My Sister Is Emotionally Abusing Her Partner And I Cannot Stand To Watch It Anymore

[Tashaclay18]

Hi all,

I was wondering if any of you could help and give me some advice on this matter.. My sister is emotionally abusing her partner and obviously because he's a male and there's not much awareness/coverage/help available for him, he hasn't even came to the realisation that he's being abused or if he has, it's likely that he feels too embarrassed to tell anyone - it doesn't help he hasn't got friends anymore and is distant from his foster family - mostly because my sister has isolated him and doesn't allow him to see them. It's very sad and stressful for me to see this because she's my sister and i don't really want to admit this to be true, I almost feel like i'm betraying her.. She feels like a victim and I've tried nicely putting it to her that she's not treating him well at all and shouldn't be doing the things she is to him but every time i've tried this, she attacks me, gets extremely defensive and quotes that I should be on her side as i'm her sister.. Family or not, how am I supposed to be on the side of an abuser, i know that sounds awful of me but it's true.. What makes this matter worse is that i too have been very very severely abused, emotionally and physically and so I'm very sensitive to the subject and cannot stand to see it in front of me. I really don't know what to do here, I know it's emotional abuse, it's very very very clear and she's doing mostly all of the things my ex used to do to me, i know how it feels and it hurts that my sister is doing this to someone. And what's worse is that she doesn't even realise it. i understand why she's turned out this way, we've had a very tough childhood - my mum over the past couple of years has got extremely sick, she is severely disabled, cannot walk, talk, eat through her mouth and can barely move. My father on the other hand looks after her but has in a way, understandably neglected us and doesn't provide us with any sort of support, he also has bullied us too when my mum was too sick to parent - for example, he'd knock our confidence down by name calling all the time and he'd do this over really silly things and it would literally crush us... He destroyed my sister's self- esteem, she felt well feels very very low about herself intellectually as he's made her feel stupid, emotionally as he mades her feel weak and appearance wise too as he's made her feel ugly and hate her appearance.. She has no friends and very little family - just me in theory and her boyfriend that she lives with. i feel like my sister is now reflecting my dad's actions and behaviour and projecting it onto her boyfriend.. It's so sad to see... He's so good to her, literally does everything you can think of for her and she's crushed him basically, i see everyday when they come round his confidence becoming lower and lower, he doesn't ever stand up for himself, he just follows orders and still gets shouted at. I hate it! What can I do??? Please help, it's getting dangerous now and I'm scared he'll one day lose it and flip out/hurt her as she's always getting up in his face and never ever gives him alone time or space....

 

[Deleted member 541]

Quite honestly, I don't think there is anything that you can do. It's apparent that your sister is a bully and has issues, and her husband has decided to become a doormat. You've brought up the subject and your sister verbally attacked you.

You came from a dysfunctional home life, where it affected your sister, and probably you too in some way. Abuse, is abuse, whether it's verbal, emotional or physical.

My advice to you.... Take care of yourself.

 

[Abstract]

I have been in a similar situation. Its very painful. I ended up insisting my sister get therapy. I didn't say it was because of the relationship as she wouldst have gone then. Unfortunately some people come out of abuse thinking that their pain is the only pain. In truth no matter how we have suffered or are suffering we have no right to harm others. Can it be understandable? Yes of course but not excusable. Family or not family - that doesn't change.

I will add that my brother in law started off a very healthy assertive and well adjusted confident guy and ended up having a breakdown and eggshell stepping around her. It was horrible to watch. It was also educational. I had always thought it was our vulnerabilities that allowed it but after seeing this I also know the erosive nature of abuse and how it can change people. Thats a little validating and at the same time quite frightening.

Could you take her aside and say to her that you can see she is in a lot of pain, and you think she is taking it out in her relationship. That you love her and want the best for her - a happy life - and think some therapy could be helpful. Maybe have a list of resources for her. If he gives you an in you could suggest therapy and give him resources too. This is not yours to fix though. At the end of the day it is going to be up to them. I know for me a little practical help may have been useful. Since I struggle to get started when overwhelmed.

 

[EveHarrington]

They say that abusers pick their victims. I'd say this is true with your sister. She picked a guy who comes from a foster family and was able to isolate him as many abusers do.

Maybe say your piece-----encourage her to get counseling, and then let it go. You can't force her to heal but you shouldn't stay silent.

I wonder if responses would be different if it was your brother abusing his wife?

 

[Tashaclay18]

Thank you all for being so helpful!
I certainly understand where you're coming from, there's so many angles to look at this. I feel like it's much more difficult to solve because unfortunately how society works, men do not feel comfortable to flag up that they're getting abused and it's quite frowned upon, and guys are seen as weak and pathetic. Sad really. But I feel like that really plays a part here, I know that if things were different in society, he'd probably have opened up to someone by now.. I am off to university next month, well almost this month and I don't want to leave this be, I know it would be dangerous to leave them be given how severe it's got. I have tried so so so many times to tell her in the nicest possible phrased way that she's taking her stressing out on him but she is incredibly sensitive and instantly attacks. I am thinking of approaching this differently and insisting to my sister that she gets therapy for their relationship but not mentioning or implying in any way that it's actually help because she's an abuser.. Do you think this will work? It's the best idea I've thought of, I feel like it would help but probably wouldn't stop her abusing completely as that real underlining issue in their relationship isn't being addressed..

 

[Deleted member 541]

I doubt that your sister will take kindly to you telling, insisting or suggesting that she gets help. She will verbally attack you most likely. Besides, you have no right really to "insist" she gets therapy. She is an adult capable of making her own decisions and choices.

Until your sister decides that she has a problem she will do nothing. Talking with her might help, but INSISTING will only incite her anger.... Bad idea...

 

[Thizette]

Repeat after me: I cannot control the actions of others.

You've brought it up to your sister. That's all you can do. You can tell your brother in law that you think she's being abusive and if he wants help you are here to support him, but you can't make him get help or even see that he's being abused. All you can do is make your feelings known and remove yourself from the situation until one of them wants help. If that means you see them less or not at all, that's ok. You have to do what is healthy for you.

 

[Naoru]

Not to excuse your sister's actions at all, but what do you know of his behavior when no one is around? Could it be possible that from the outside, it appears he's great and would do everything for her, but on the inside, he's saying or doing things to provoke this defense or action from your sister? It's often we only see the one who's the loudest and most obviously aggressive, but we don't recognize the quieter passive aggressive one who's not any less to blame. I could be way off the mark, but I thought I'd offer another perspective.

Regardless, I full-heartedly agree with @Thizette

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I am your sister in some ways and other ways (other family member) I am you.

I will say that for the one that has blind rage (verbal) explosions that has no control over it (though getting much better), if one "insisted" I do something Id tell them where to put their nose! Though I was forced into therapy due to it, it was under much different circumstances.

In this circumstance, Id not even talk to your sister about it since she went off when you advised her. Advised, check, done. Id gently advise the boyfriend, give him good reasources and back off.

Truth is, they both are adults and they both are responsible to make their own decisions.

If it were a man abusing a girlfriend/wife thats all we can do as well. Why do you think so many people say battered woman never leave? It is up to them to gather any children, make the call to the batter's women shelter, make an exit plan and leave.

Yes, its wrong but you cannot control either one and you cant pull her by the ear to the therapist.

So advise him and if its triggering or affecting you negitively, back away from them.

My neice does this to her husband, whom was in the military so he changed a lot. Before I cut her off completely, Id ask her to not speak to him like that in front of me or Id leave. Thats my own personal boundry. Other then that i kept all comments to myself. Thats their releationship and i cant tell either one how to be inside of their personal relationship.

 

[Sideways]

I'm just going to briefly echo the above: you are entitled to your opinion, and your sister is so lucky to have someone who clearly cares about her (despite her behaviour) the way you do, but you can't force her to change. You can't even force him to appreciate he's being abused.

As painful as it is, sometimes the best we can do for our loved ones is keep being there. When we have to stand back and watch them screw up the good shit they have in their lives, we can want to save them with the best of intentions, but we can't actually do much more than just keep being there for them.

You've raised the issue, which takes more courage than a lot of others would have in your shoes. But now? It's actually up to them. And it's shitty and frustrating as hell, but it's just how it works.

Have you thought about how you're going to handle it when you go to uni? There is a good chance that this will still be an unresolved issue in a month from now - how are you doing with that? Are you going to be okay when you have to walk away?

 

[Friday]

To me the argument of "But we're family!" is even more of a reason to stand up and do the right thing, not less.

Having someone's back doesn't mean I cheer them on -or turn a blind eye- as they hurt people; other people or themselves. It means I pull them aside and go "Yo! You are f*cking up, here, hardcore."

 

[Abstract]

I agree that responses would likely be different if it was your brother abusing his wife.

I don;t agree with standing aside and giving people space when it comes to abuse - and for the sake of all concerned. I'm all for minding peoples personal space (a little obsessed by it) but I think that changes if we see someone abusing or being abused. I try not to enable these days. To eggshell step when someone is behaving badly. As long as it is safe to do. I used to be overly worried about hurting peoples feelings to the extent that I did enable in the past. I now know that what is helpful and kind sometimes hurts and feels uncomfortable.

Personally, I think it would be fine to suggest she gets therapy. I used the word insist before in my last post but probably should have said "strongly suggested". You are concerned about her as well as being concerned about him. Or I know I was in my situation. It hurt to see my sister hurt herself by behaving like that. And it hurt seeing what happened to him. It was very uncomfortable for me to have that talk with her. She did go to therapy and it did help her behaviour. It also helped her in general. Being abusive only feels good if you are a psychopath, If she goes into therapy at all regardless of the reason then there is at least some increased hope she may start looking at her behaviour.

There is a limit to how much you can do and you likely won't be thanked for doing it. If you feel able then it would be worth a shot though. If you see an opening with him then maybe you can suggest therapy for him in a matter of fact way. For stress maybe? There are websites specifically dedicated to abuse for men so giving him a link may be an option. You don't have to run down your sister to him or to her. You can do it softly or directly or not at all. It isn't your job to save them and you can only do what you are able to do but if you are able then I think it is good. Take care of your well being and what you can cope with too, After that its up to them,

Men's Advice Line - support for male victims of domestic violence · Respect
Mankind Initiative | 01823 334244