General My Son Brian

[Jim]

Thanks all for the messages. Agreed Lisa and Anthony. Dates aren't important. Especially unhappy ones. Myself, would rather remember his birthday than the day he died. In any event. Kathleen is unwell over this. Nothing anyone said. Just unwell over forgetting. She won't be here for a couple of days. Take care all.

Jim.

 

[becvan]

I do hope she pulls through okay and is not too sick. Remind her of her self-care (just as important for her as it is for us!)

Thinking of you guys,
bec

 

[Kathy]

I realized today, I believe Brian's death is a public reflection of my mothering skills. I am worried what others think of me as a mother. Perhaps they believe I didn't love him enough, if I had, he wouldn't have killed himself in this fashion. His death was ruled an accident but when it comes right down to it he destroyed his own life with his drinking and so on, which is like a suicide. I can't help feeling over and over again, that I should have done something. On the flipside, whilst I am blaming myself for being a bad mother I am also incredibly angry with Brian in the same instance. I gave him life and he destroyed it.

I am sorry we gave Evie a car. I regret that she is going to drive it soon. I get ill everytime she speaks about driving it with such excitement. Since Brian's death I have not wanted Colin, Jacob or Evie driving (though of course I would not go so far as to prevent them). Frankly every time they leave the house I worry it's the last I'm going to see of any of them alive. Colin took Evie out for a drive yesterday and when they were 20 minutes late I screamed at them. I felt horrible afterwards for overreacting however those 20 minutes seemed like the longest of my life. I do hope this is not how I will feel forever, it's not the kind of mother I was previously and not the sort of mother I want to be, ever. They have a right to their own lives. However I simply do not think I could bear it if another one of them were to die.

 

[Kathy]

Oh how rude of me, I do appreciate all your thoughts. I simply cannot comment right now, I haven't the words. I am having a break as Jim mentioned. I will comment more once I have rested.

 

[Nicolette]

From my knowledge Kathy, you are an amazing, kind, caring, loving and compassionate mother.

I cannot appreciate what you are going through however my thoughts are with you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Kathy,

As long as there are people, there will always be opinions. That's a fact that no one can change. There will always be those that "Think" what they want to think and nothing or no one can change that fact. They didn't live in your house, they weren't privy to your mothering skills, and therefore will make assumptions based on what they THINK they know. These people are closed minded, self absorbed, ignorant, and downright mean...Mean people suck!!!!!

IMO I don't care what kind of a mother you are, or you think that you are. Your parenting skills have nothing to do with the fact that you lost your son. You lost your son!!!!!!!!!!

You have every right to grieve in whatever way that you want, and your parenting skills should not even be a topic of discussion IMO.

Kathy, As I have said before, I am so sorry that you, Jim, Evie and the rest of your family are going through this. Do what you need to do. Grieve for as long as it takes...... You lost your son, and that should be the only issue on the table....

Wendy

 

[Kathy]

Of course you are quite correct Wendy, in that people lose their children regardless of the sort of parents they are. I was in quite a bad space yesterday when I posted. I do have my moments since Brian's death where I fear I am going insane. Thankfully those moments rarely last long.

Today I am feeling somewhat better again, however struggling with the realization that I have been quite harsh with my other children lately. Losing my temper, shouting at them over nothing and being far too overprotective - especially Evie, I admit I am much too protective of her. I like to tell myself it's the cancer making me so protective, however if I'm honest, the fact that she shares the same illness as Brian (PTSD) is a major factor.

I do very much appreciate everyone's input in this thread, it does assist me though I am not always able to comment, sometimes it is simply too painful. Lisa and Anthony I agree, I should not be concerned about dates, especially the sad ones. Jim is correct that Brian's birthday in December would be a far more pleasant memory for us.

 

[Marlene]

Kathy,

When my oldest daughter was going through a rough time and hurting herself (by cutting) and talking about killing herself, I felt, too, like it was a public indictment of my mothering skills. After all, I was her mother, I lived with her, I took care of her and I felt like her mental and emotional issues at that moment were my fault because I should have been good enough, strong enough...SOMETHING enough to help her and to stop it. I was her mother, for piss sake, and I couldn't find a way to make it all better! That's part of our job as mothers...protecting and making it better for our children.

It took me years (and going through my traumas) to understand that it wasn't my fault that she went through this. It was combination of circumstances, her mental state, her age, and her maturity level to all contributed to what happened. Her father and I put her in therapy, we helped and supported her. Basically we did everything we could think of. But what took me the longest to understand is that there comes a point when, although they are still our children, they are not children and we cannot protect them like when they were little. All we can do is be there, love, support and hope that that's enough. It comes down to their choices, not ours anymore.

Kathy, I read what you're saying and I hear the same words and thoughts that I used to beat myself up for not being enough to make it right, make it better. I also understand that incredible anger and rage for our children taking the life that we gave them and treating it with such disregard.

It's so tough not to take the fears from one child and transfer them to another. Or to another family member. All of what we went through with my daughter happened in the same time frame that I lost my father and sister. I was scared for anyone I loved to be out of my sight. Unfortunately it lead to a lot of resentment from other loved ones when I would bawl them out for being later than expected or didn't get a call, etc. I've learned that explaining why I was afraid to let anyone go helped the rest of my loved ones to understand why I reacted like I did.

Keep talking, keep writing. It does help to get it out of yourself and to stop the fear from becoming bigger by keeping it to yourself.

Hugs
Lisa

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Lisa, it is comforting to read I am not the only one experiencing such feelings. I do hope your daughter is fairing better these days. Thank you also for giving me "permission" to write here as I like. Sometimes I wrongly believe that I should only be recording positive feelings.

My children do understand what is going on, and have been most generous and kind with me. Though lately I have noticed they hide from me at times, and than saddens me. Though can I really blame them when I am shouting and overreacting? Last night I thought, I am likely making their own grief over Brian worse in some respects. And in Evie's case, no doubt I am making her PTSD worse, as she does not deal well with shouting. Before Brian's death I prided myself on the fact that I rarely if ever shouted at any of them, I was always the calm presence in the family. Now Jim seems calmer than myself at times. I must admit it does hurt my pride.

 

[batgirl]

Sorry in advance Mum if this bothers you, but I did want to say for everyone's information, Mum is painting this picture of herself as a really horrible mother, which is so totally untrue. Yes she is yelling at us more than she used to, but it's not all day every day sort of thing, more I would say, 2-3 times a week at the most, and she always feels super bad about it and apologizes! And for myself, I really don't think it's making my PTSD worse because I know where it's coming from. I know Mum is hurting about Brian and I understand that. I really don't feel upset or offended by it much, mostly just sad that Mum feels bad and I wish I could help her.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Evie,

Spoken like an adult defending someone that you love very much!!!!!!! Good job!

I'm just not sure if Kathy needs to be defended. At least in my opinion, she is one hell of a lady, that loves her kids, and hubby, and is going through some very rough waters right now. Her behavior is not unusual for someone that is grieving for the loss of a loved one. Her emotions must be in overdrive......

Hugs to all of you for the sure hell that you all have and continue to go through. I pray for more peaceful and calm days ahead for all of you....

 

[Kathy]

Thank you once again all, I do appreciate the input always. Evie is being very generous, however I was touched by her words. I have felt like a bad mother lately, however if she doesn't think so I suppose I am being too hard on myself. I'm delighted she and my other children are so understanding, it certainly does help me on my bad days.

I appear to be feeling better again for the time being. I am getting used to the idea of Evie's trip up north this week. I was quite anxious, however she will be with Travis and several others, so it's irrational of me to worry. It has been quite helpful to write here, though I must admit, somewhat embarrassing also. I have a new respect for Evie and all of you who share so openly here. I always encouraged my clients to be open with others however personally I am finding it is a challenge. Whilst Evie was away up north, Jim and I were planning a short holiday of our own, however we decided against it. Since it's only the two of us, we may just as easily relax at home. I'm looking forward to sleeping! Once I hear Evie and Travis have reached the station safely I believe I shall retire to my bed for a few days.