Death My Son Passed Away

[LittleBigFoot]

I am struggling again today. I just feel so hopeless and like I don't want to go on. I know I must though.

I hope I will be eligible for free or reduced therapy. I will know something about it in 2 weeks.

I am the one that found my son. I knew he was gone by how he looked. I am having a hard time with that image in my mind.

I was sexually abused for 17 years straight. I would gladly go through that again than go through this,if given the choice.

My PTSD symptoms are not as bad as they were when I started this thread. Now I am completely feeling this loss and it's a kind of hurt/pain I've never experienced before.

Are you getting professional help?

 

[ladee]

I am so so so sorry @JadeB. I know what this feels like. The pain has no words. It washes over us with a huge wave that knocks us to our knees. Our whole body feels the loss of a child we carried in our womb.

I am so very sorry you found him and that picture is burned into your mind. I am so very sorry. Holding you close if that's ok. Wish I was there so you could just lean into me and cry with someone who would have given most anything to have had someone to hold me. To anchor me to the earth.

I agree. I would go thru all the trauma again just to not have had my son die. It was nothing compared to losing him. Nothing else can compare.

There are no magic words. I promise, if I knew any I would share them with you. Please, even tho we don't know each other, I don't know where you live, nothing about your life, But I DO understand this pain.

You are not alone. Our worlds explode and we are changed forever. No one, absolutely no one understands unless they have lost a child. And we even don't want our worst enemies to feel this pain.

I am sending a listening ear. A broken heart that understands yours. You do feel alone no matter what I say. I get that too. In my heart and and thoughts. I'm glad you shared. It's important to let others know how you feel, how crazy your thinking is, the wanting to die and knowing it won't change anything.

Something to think about when you can catch your breath. You might want to start a diary here. To have a safe place to put all of it out here. So many here supported me thru the beginning and still support me now tho only one has lost a child.

I HEAR you. I FEEL you. I understand. You are not alone. Gentle hugs and a shoulder. That's all I have besides understanding. but it's real and it's yours when and if you need it. Heart hugs.

 

[Jade-]

You're right @ladee ,the pain washes over me in huge waves. It makes me feel like I can't breathe,like I will die.

But then it goes away and I'm ok again for awhile,like right now.

I am just trying to allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel. It's strange though because those waves happen so unexpectedly. I don't even have to be thinking about my son or anything and then I just start crying out of the blue.

This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I'm sorry you understand exactly what it's like and what I'm going through.

 

[ladee]

It is so hard to ride it out but that's the only real choice we have. I understand about feeling like you can't breathe. I tell people I survived the first year (It's been a year and 7 months, so I'm still very new to this part too) by reminding myself to breathe.

I'm sorry for both of us JadeB. No one should ever have to feel this kind of pain and still be living and breathing waiting for the next hit. I still get those feelings and cry out of nowhere.

Just take care of yourself. And only do what you can do. I tried to push my way thru at first and it only caused more problems.

Sending hugs of understanding.

 

[Starfire]

Got to be the worst pain. Take care of yourself

 

[Jade-]

The nightmares have started again. I am so exhausted from lack of sleep,and it just makes everything worse.

I don't feel strong enough to continue on but somehow I am.

Hopefully by the end of this week I will find out about the free/discounted therapy. I wish I could afford my regular T but even with a discount, I simply can't manage it right now.

 

[Jade-]

There's nothing that will ever make the loss of my son ok.

It doesn't matter what I do or how much therapy I get,it's not going to change what is.

 

[Friday]

There's nothing that will ever make the loss of my son ok.

For the love of god, I would f*cking hope not!!!

It’s not f*cking okay, and never will be. Full stop.

What DOES happen, however, as grief flows it’s course? We get the people we love “back”. Not really, I’m not delusional, or anything. But the memories of them, and of happiness? Are no longer the most brutally painful things in existence. And I’m someone who has been tortured to death over, and over, and over, and brought back, and back, and bad. Just to die all over again. So I’m not talking about pain glibly, or lightly.

Instead? We remember them, and are filled with love. With the joy we felt in. that. moment. of the memory; instead of with pain that drops us to our knees and leaves us screaming.

It takes years. At least in my experience. YEARS to be able to remember them and not want to burn the world down, or kill myself to end the impossibleness of it, or to buy a few moments of sanity with sleep (read: knocked the hell out). Whether it happens slowly over time, or between one heart beat and the next, or there are glimpses of them and love/joy/right only to plunged back into hell, again after. And more glimpses later. Or not. Until slowly? Or with an impossible kind of speed? They return. THEY do. Not our pain. But our everything.

It’s an impossible pain, from an impossible loss. But living through all that pain? Was the only way to remember WHO he was. Himself. All of himself. And his life. And delight in it. Revel in it. LOVE him, in every molecule of my body and the furthest reaches of my soul… Rather than feel like I just drank acid whilst lighting myself on fire and stepping into traffic… at even the barest flicker of thought.

I didn’t know that would happen. I wasn’t smart enough to work with a grief therapist, or anything. And I was rather busy attempting to get myself killed whenever I had the energy to lift a toothbrush. It just happened. And then AFTER? I met people. Who’d lived through this. Who devoted their lives to helping others live through this. And found out? Yeah. That’s why living is worth it. To get. them. back. And, a rather distant second; to get ourselves back.

To me? Being able to remember who I LOVE. Not loved, not past tense, but very present f*cking LOVE? Is the only thing worth living through that pain. At the other end of it? There. They. Are.

 

[Jade-]

Wow @Friday

I'm truly speechless.

Thank you for that.