General My Sufferer Is In The Hospital, I Feel Guilty

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hello everyone,

This is my first thread on this board so I'm a bit nervous...forgive me if I end up omitting the few things

My sufferer is my best friend of about 10 years. She and I have a long distance friendship, and we live in seperate countries, yet despite this, she affects my life so much. She struggles to make friends and the fact that I have other friends makes her believe that she's a failure. She is triggered by the mere realization that I have people other than her to talk to, and she recently got severely triggered by an innocent facebook post I made, mentioning a friend of mine. Of course, I decided to draw the line and convinced her to go to the hospital, which she did, and has been for around 4 days now.

Thing is, they've held her since Friday and are going to release her on Tuesday. I feel so, so guilty, but is it wrong of me to wish that they would keep her there longer? For about a year now, whenever I mention to her that I'm going to be out for a day or so (regardless of whether I say I'll be with friends or not, it won't make a difference), she responds with self-depricating or guilty feelings. She has told me in her moments of 'clarity' that no matter what she feels, I should go and hang out with friends, and I do, but I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Many times at my boyfriend's house I've had to text or call her for about an hour because she's having a panic attack (which I don't really care or mind, it's the fact that my absence CAUSES this that bugs me), and so many times I've had to talk her out of suicide when I'm supposed to be with friends and...gah.

Long story short, I took a MASSIVE advantage this weekend since she couldn't contact me, and I've been out and having a blast and feeling unchained from her. Now that she's coming back I just feel chained again because now whenever I go out, she'll feel inferior to me and suicidal again.

I just hate feeling guilty for enjoying myself. I hate seeing my best friend in so much pain. I just want her to heal, and my presence WILL NOT fix her traumas. I love her, but I just want her to get better. Anyone that can relate? Any advice? I just don't know what to do or feel at this point...

 

[Sweetpea76]

I just feel chained again because now whenever I go out, she'll feel inferior to me and suicidal again.

Unless you are specifically and purposely triggering her with something related to her trauma, she is the only one responsible for her emotions and triggers. If she is making you feel responsible for them, that is emotional manipulation.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Unless you are specifically and purposely triggering her with something related to her trauma, she is...

No, no, I would never, ever purposefully trigger her. To be honest...I think the reason why may be because she has some kind of seperation anxiety...you see, when I was 15 and rather stupid, I started to be with more people A LOT MORE than I should have. Like, I dissmissed her feelings and existence sort of thing. She thought that she was losing me, and that was a big deal because I was (and still am apparently) her only 'true' friend. Apparently I got angry and snapped at her once during that time, but for the love of god I can't remember what I snapped at her for or what I said, and I feel absolutely horrible that I don't. I made up for that a LONG time ago and have never ever done that again, it was an accident and I was a teenager. Unfortunately PTSD is...well, a gigantic asshole and makes her "live" in that time and so constantly thinks that when I'm with other people, I'll 'abandon' her and get angry at her again, which by god, no, I am never making that same mistake again. She's my best friend and I love her so much.

See, it's why I wish she was in the hospital more...it's awful because she tells me she KNOWS it's not my fault and I am not responsible for making her feel that way and yet she just DOES and I just...ugh. Her PTSD is just so, so bad, especially with the fact that she has Depression and Social Anxiety and her PSYCHIATRIST IS STUPID AND PUT HER OFF ANTIDEPRESSANTS FOR A WHILE and that is the most terrible f*cking decision I've ever seen in my life and UGH

Sorry if I'm ranting or saying too much, I'm just so stressed out. I remember once mentioning to her that someone thought she was emotionally manipulating me and oh my Christ, she spiralled and hated herself so much and thought she was a horrible person that didn't deserve to live and I just...man, I don't care about me at this point, I just want my poor friend to stop hating herself like this...

 

[Sweetpea76]

so many times I've had to talk her out of suicide

She is triggered by the mere realization that I have people other than her to talk to

I don't care about me at this point, I just want my poor friend to stop hating herself like this...

It sounds like there is some serious codependency going on in your friendship. You can't hold yourself responsible for how she is doing mentally. You cannot make her better or worse. In turn she is keeping you from living your life and seems to have some kind of abandonment issues that she is wrapping around you.

You honestly need to step back and look at what is good for your life. You guys sound very young. You can't live your whole life like this.

 

[Casey_03]

I have to be honest, I don't think this behavior has anything to do with PTSD. It's codependency, pure and simple -- on your side and hers. You are enabling her codependency by putting up with this sort of behavior, and it's only harmful to the both of you. She will never deal with her issues if you constantly allow her to behave this way. It will only get worse. You shouldn't have to feel guilty because she has serious emotional problems that she has yet to adequately deal with -- in fact, that's called emotional abuse. If someone is calling you and telling you that your absence has driven them to be suicidal, that's emotional abuse, and any further contact between the two of you is only going to be further damaging -- unless you set clear boundaries now and stop enabling her.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I have been in the same situation, with a close friend who was so dependent on me that she would flip out if I didn't answer the phone. I enabled her for a long time because I didn't want to abandon her. Guess what happened? She slit her wrists when I failed to call her back promptly. So, that's what I mean about the enabling only further damaging her emotional health. You are essentially postponing her recovery. In this case, she needs tough love.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Yes, I am 20 and she is 21...we are both extremely young and I can already predict that if something isn't done soon, we'll break apart...It's why I just wish she'd stay in the hospital more...I want to tell her that there is serious co-dependancy issue and she has several cognitive distortions, but I don't know how.

There's good in my life. In fact, there's a lot of good in it! I appreciate it tons. I just find it seriously confining that whenever I mention the good in my life to her, she starts comparing how my life is better than hers (not aloud mind you...I just sort of /know/ that she mentally does this because whenever I mention things that are good in my life, her voice and tone kinda just...drops).

Man...I wish there was an easy solution to this problem, but it's never that easy...thank you for talking to me though, Sweatpea. It's nice to be reminded that I'm a person who deserves to be happy and shouldn't be confined by anyone, even if this person is my best friend or is mentally ill. I really, really appreciate your words

 

[KwanYingirl]

I have PTSD-complex. I'm mentally ill in several realms of thinking and being. I get suicidal. I have a best friend of 33 years. I am an introvert who is prone to isolation. She is an extrovert and has many friends and a busy social life. I would NEVER EVER accuse her of abandoning me or hold her responsible for my life. And I am not jealous of her either. That's just f*cked up thinking. Sounds more borderline than PTSD. She is manipulating you. I'm sure there are a bevy of social workers where she lives and group therapy opportunities. You are in no way required to narrow your social life just because she's jealous. Very immature of her and so unfair to you. It wouldn't hurt for you to get some therapy around this. I'm certainly not skilled to be able to specifically advise you to not be available unless you happen to be. She is being selfish. I agree it's time for tough love but still... maybe get an experts opinion as to how to pull it off without abandoning her. She sounds like that's her go-to threat to keep you on her hook. Good luck and have fun. Live your life fully. My friends have been there for me but only if I can't reach my therapist. Good luck!

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

I have PTSD-complex. I'm mentally ill in several realms of thinking and being. I get suicidal. I hav...

I have to be honest, I don't think this behavior has anything to do with PTSD. It's codependency, pure...

The both of you are right...my friend has been damaged, and I guess I, as a person, also have a shitton of issues myself. I have Asperger's Disorder and ADHD, I have issues regarding suicide or sudden disappearances (due to my mother having a brain anneurism abruplty when I was 14) and I feel like I might have really made countless mistakes as a kid by constantly catering to her and doing everything I can to calm her down even when I was away from home because I was a teenager with control issues and I daresay maybe a messiah complex.

Me and a friend of hers actually discussed and figured that she may, also, have borderline personality disorder, but we're really not sure. She most definitely has PTSD, she has all of the symptoms for it and was officially diagnosed with it.

Also, she's not DIRECTLY telling me per se that my absence is driving her to be this way. It just appears that whenever I'm away, she isn't distracted enough and gets "alone with her thoughts" and she starts thinking really, really negatively, and since she is used to me being her go-to, she calls to me for help. For anyone suffering of PTSD, do you think encouraging her to talk to her therapist or to call a hotline or go to a counselor first and furthermost, and only coming to me should they be unreachable would help? I've been considering maybe encouraging to contact professional sources first before contacting me might seriously help her, and help me have more liberties.


POST EDIT: Also I should probably note that Casey I appreciate your brutal honesty because my gut feeling tells me that constantly catering to her actually stops her from growing up and actually reclaiming control of her independancy and her life, but then of course there's a part of me that's always afraid because when people tell me they feel suicidal I take that shit OVERLY seriously and am constantly afraid that they'll actually carry out their ideations so I end up shoving that rationality away in favor of making sure that she's 'okay' and meanwhile internally I'm like...Moonlight, no. Moonlight please. You're not actually helping. Stop that. Eh, I just need to learn to be brave and trust that she won't actually hurt herself...if she seems like she actually will, I'll probably have to call the police on that. I have the right to be happy too, and she needs to get help.

 

[Anarchy]

@RecedingMoonlight sorry that you are finding yourself in such a difficult and distressing situation.

The experts in co-dependency, and how to overcome it, are the 12 step groups, especially those who have a family member who is an addict, such as Al-Anon and Al-Ateen.

Please do not take anything in the posts in this thread to imply that your friend is in anyway a "bad person". she has likely learned her behaviours as an attempt to cope with her emotions and the environment that she has grown up in.

Just from your posts, your friend appears to have at least three "borderline" traits; Suicidality, extreme low mood and abandonment issues. That doesn't necessarily mean she has BPD (if it exists).

Those traits should be sufficeint to get her into Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT).

For the professionals treating her at the moment, a case can easily be made that her repeated hospitalizations are far more costly for whatever healthcare system she is in, than funding her to join a DBT program would be.

DBT is ideally administered by a team of trained professionals, who administer therapy to each other as part of the programme, because the low mood and feelings of hopelessness that chronically suicidal individuals experience, can easily result in the professionals themselves becoming burnt out, jaded and judgemental, or even attempt a co-dependant "rescue" of a client. With that in mind, don't beat yourself up over your feelings towards your friend.

If your friend does get to do DBT, she will have telephone access to her personal therapist on the program, for emergencies, for coaching to help her apply her newly learned skills, and to share good news - not just bad news.

If you are near a big urban area, you yourself, may be able to get into a DBT skills training group for family members and supporters.

It will almost certainly become easier to discuss your friendship, after she gets a start at DBT, and has some distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness skills, and a professional therapist at her disposal, than it would be to broach the subject right now, when neither of you have support.