Relationship Need Advice W Marine Ptsd What Do I Do

[ThoseNorthernLights]

Hi everyone, thank you for taking time to read this. This is my first time posting here and I'd really like some guidance and sorry if it's really long! Okay, so basically I am deeply in love with a Marine who has seen a lot of combat w multiple tours and subsequently he suffers pretty badly from ptsd. Now we met when I was 18, I am now 26. He is turning 30. I know that ours is not the typical 'boy meets girl story'.

From the first time we met we just had such a connection. It was a spiritual/mental connection as well as everything else. We have both had our emotional demons to confront in our own lives however, and thus we have never really dated steadily, mostly due to periods when he was pretty volatile ( never ever with me) and yeah I was a party girl but we have always, always been connected and really loved each other. We shared so many moments over the years, and trust is a massive thing for us both. None of my friends or family understood the whole ' well if he loves you why won't he just be with you' deal, and so I started hiding from them the times we would see each other.

Fast forward a few years though and it just became a lot of me waiting.. and being hurt. He'd show up in my life, I'd see a lot of him and then the next thing I'd not hear or see him in 6 or so months. I can hardly get much emotionally from him, and although I understand it as I have done so much research on it it still came to the point that I felt I was letting him treat me badly BECAUSE of the PTSD. I have never felt about anyone in my life as I do about this man. But I finally felt like I had no respect for myself, because he could show up in my life, and it would never matter to me who I was with, I'd just want to go back. Eventually I moved away. I needed to.

Things have been well for me in my new city, and although I still think about him every day I've entered a serious relationship with a really nice guy. However... The marine just contacted me after about 3 years of not seeing him and 8 months of not talking. We are back to messaging and skyping and I'm so confused as to what to do. He says that things are different now, that he has made progress in therapy and he is sorry for all the heartache he caused me over the years. I don't know if this is really true, if he even cares remotely the same as I do for him, because he hasn't really shown me , or if he is just a guy that wants to keep control and keep an option open, and it pisses him off that I am (really f'ing trying) to be content.
I don't know what to believe anymore. I sort of managed to move on by telling myself that he just never cared for me in the first place. It was easier then thinking that he loved me but was just troubled.

How do I know if he really loves me when he says that he does? and I know that emotional flatness and detachment and all that goes so much with ptsd. I don't understand if his love is the same as mine. Or if he is even capable of having a somewhat normal relationship. It just seems like he gets a little while of companionship and wants to bolt.

If anyone is still reading at this point lol... any advice? I'm open ears.

Thanks

 

[Flutter]

I don't want negative but look at what you have done. You moved to a new city, establishing new ties, you have a new man. Part of him reaching out to you may be to make amends and clear his conscience for finally recognizing what he put you through. I think the question you are asking is impossible to answer. There are no guarantees in love. Look at the pros and cons and think with your head not your heart. We are drawn back to certain people but that doesn't mean they are right or healthy for us.. Perhaps your past relationship stays as lessons learned and not to repeat. Good luck..

 

[HOPEFULHEART82]

If you still knew in your heart that you were waiting for Him, then my question is why did you even start a new relationship? I'm sure you knew that the next time he contacted you that you still wanted to be with him. So as for the new boyfriend, I feel sorry for him and think you should break up with him and learn to be by yourself while dating your Marine. You love him and want to be with him, so how can you focus on two men at once? My mom had a saying you can'd ride two horses at once, lol. As for him, you'll know if he's better. You've known him for years. Have you tried couples therapy?

 

[Barconian]

There are no guarantees in love. Look at the pros and cons and think with your head not your heart.

Totally agree!

 

[nursenurse]

You have moved on. Some things are best left as is, but too, I feel for your current boyfriend. After not hearing from Guy number 1 for three years, he now tells you what you want to hear, and you are ready to run back. Three years he left you for, not a word about how he was working on himself etc. Guilt, control, whatever, something is driving him, not sure that it is true love. You need to get a grip on yourself, decide what you want for yourself. No matter how much help he has gotten, he will never be 100% free, and what drove you apart in the beginning can drive you apart again. You have worked very hard to establish a new life, one with peace and stability. Those things are hard fought for and well earned. Do you really want to give it up for a dream that may be just that, a dream? Personally, I would wish him well. The old paper and pencil thing, are you better off with him or without him, pros and cons. Do that for the guy you are with now as well, he does not deserve to be in the middle of a triangle that should never have occurred. Make a decision, and stick with it. You might decide that being on your own is okay as well.

 

[ThoseNorthernLights]

Thank you all for your advice. I know that having correspondence w him is basically emotionally cheating on my boyfriend, and in a lot of ways I really feel like it's worse then physical. All this, the Skype conversation and everything has been in the last few days, so im still reeling and trying to grasp hold of something.

If you still knew in your heart that you were waiting for Him, then my question is why did you even start a new relationship?

I really felt that I was in a place to give someone else a chance. I did stay single for the 3 years and only have started this relationship about 5 months ago.

The thing is, is that I know that I will never feel anything close to what I feel for this marine. In my life, if I could honestly find someone that I loved even a quarter as much, Id consider myself very lucky. I just don't know how to let go of that. But I also can't trust him. A lot of the time I really just think that he has a narcissistic personality or something, and that scares me. One of my biggest fears is to be that woman that has just this one guy who spans decades with her, and comes and goes. I don't want that for myself. I hate that I sound so weak!

 

[nursenurse]

It's not weak. But you have to get the romanticized thought of your relationship out of your head. Maybe some short term counselling for you. Find out why would you want to put yourself back into that relationship in the first place. I think sometimes we are in love with what we thought could have been, not with what truly is. And it is a typical "boy meets girl" story. We all think we have that "connection", and on some levels you did have a connection, but it sounds like it wasn't healthy or sustainable. Trust. That is a whole issue unto itself. After 3 years, after what he did the first time, I would never trust him again. Better off with him or without him. If I had to move on the way you did, relocate etc because of this one guy, and he made his way back, he would be out that door so fast his head would spin. He is also banking on the fact that you waited for him. It's all about him. Tell him goodbye, block him, and move on. You and your current guy deserve better than this.

 

[Snowangel1225]

You and your current guy deserve better than this.

I agree with nursenurse on this with the except I think you need to be honest with the new guy and tell him what is going on. You are emotionally cheating on him and it isn't fair to him to be putting his all into this relationship if you are only giving a percentage. He deserves better than that. Seek some counseling for yourself to help you understand why you allow yourself to be treated like this and to help you sort through your confusion.