Need Help Understanding Episodes

[all_akimbo]

I had a pretty serious flashback on Sunday, but it was very different from previous episodes. I saw something that triggered a memory that I still cannot access fully and all of my previous flashbacks were body memories, this one is like watching a movie... Here's what I know:

I was triggered and irritated before the flashback occurred for at least an hour or two. I felt exhausted by the time it happened. I saw the trigger on my steps at home. I pushed hard against the memory and did not allow it to surface for two reasons:

1. I am very afraid of this memory
2. I was alone with my child at the time

After this occurred I was "unwell" and trying everything to distract myself from what had happened and maintain relative stability for my child. I redirected my focus elsewhere and waited for my supporter to arrive. I made it far enough to tuck my child in for the night and went into meltdown mode shortly there after.

My supporter knows when I am melting down better than I do. He is quick to have me sit or lay down so he can hold me and reassure me while I am in that 'not asleep/kinda asleep' state. Usually, I cry very very hard and have moderately violent tremors, then after I know which trauma the meltdown is associated with and can sometimes even discuss the sensations I had with my supporter.

This time was different. I didn't cry. I shook my head and clawed at the back of it pretty hard (it still hurts today) and was 'seeing' the memory like I was there watching it happen to me. I saw the room and I saw what had triggered me on my steps in the room. I knew I had been hurt by what I saw, but couldn't remember where on my body I was hurt. As the picture became more clear and I realized I was going to see more, I jerked my body hard and started trying to push it away from me with my hands and feet - I repeatedly stated - "I don't want to remember. I don't want to know. Please, I don't want to." I don't know how many times I said that before I heard my supporter say, "You don't have to, it's ok. You don't have to remember anything you don't want to remember. You are safe now."

I 'woke up'. Since then the picture has become more clear, yet more messy at the same time and I am not sure what is coming up. This is really freaking me out and making me physically ill. My vision is blurry, my stomach hurts and I just want to go to sleep. I felt that way all day yesterday and after another episode like the one on Sunday (only for a longer time) I passed out and slept hard. This morning I felt like crap AGAIN and cried until I got to work.

None of what I have visually remembered seems all that 'bad' at this point - I just feel an overwhelming sense that what is to come is horrific and that I should be terrified. I am terrified. But I am questioning myself at the same time - like what if it isn't that bad? What if I am just afraid because I don't remember and therefore I don't really know?

I am stuck. I need to figure out how to either let this stuff come out or stop obsessing over it, but I don't know how. I would like some advice from anyone who has any ideas.

:(

-aa

 

[BlueOrange]

One of my most painful memories is of a happy event. It hurts extremely badly to remember how happy I was that day. I repressed it because my survival depended on staying angry with the person who hurt me - remembering kindness was something my memory-management decided was unsafe.

I've had shifts in the ways my flashbacks work a couple of times now. Came up hard against something very difficult 2 days ago, and have been sore and exhausted since.

It sounds like your support is awesome, and that there is a part of you that is determined to face this. In my case, I now trust myself not to bite off too much more than I can handle, although I've largely stopped doing 'active excavation' these days. I do find that shoving things back down quickly makes them hurt worse the next time. Whatever you do next, I suggest you do it gently.