Need Outside Perspective!

[I am .....]

*Trigger Warning*

Ok, so a little background to help with my question(s).

I grew up knowing I was different. I wasn't like most kids I knew, I was a "foster kid". I went back and forth between my bio parents and foster parents between the ages of 18 months and 2 1/2 yrs. my bio parents were far from fit parents - neglect and abuse of nearly every form. Including sexual abuse from my father. At 2 1/2 yrs I was removed from my parents with my baby sister and placed in long term foster care where I was fortunate to remain with my sister in the one home til I turned 18. I used to say it was my saving grace being too young to remember and because of this I had a relatively "normal" childhood, or so I thought.

Last year I was beat and raped while out jogging which resulted in my having PTSD. Which led to me seeking a Trauma Therapist and having EMDR. I was there to "process" my assault but my mind had other ideas. only my second session in and I was 'seeing things' I couldn't believe. I started recalling events that were too horrific, too unbelievable to comprehend. I was so little but "it" happened and not just once a number of times. My bio father raped me earliest memory at 5yrs old and last I've recalled at age 7yrs. But it didn't just stop there. My father "shared" me with my uncle. It's just too much for me to deal with. So with all this information it is easy to see how I've gone from being a high functioning adult to a "risk" to myself.

It's not like people haven't tried to help me because they have and my T continually tries to help me. But the details of what happened to me are so terrifying and disgusting and too unbelievable for me, why would I then subject that on others? Part of the reason I can't bring myself to tell my story, apart from the shock value, is 1) I just can't physically bring myself to say the words and 2) I don't want to see the disgust or looks of pity in their faces. I feel bad enough I don't want to feel worse.

So I've written it out- it's in words. How do I take it a step further and tell my counsellor or my doctor and/or my T the Whole story? Will it make me feel better? - I doubt it. Will it help the healing process ??? That's the million dollar question. Could it potentially make things worse??? How do I remedy this ?? I feel like I'm so "Stuck" atm. Please help, need advise!!

 

[FindingMyself88]

First off, I am sorry this happened to you! I know you don't want pity and thats not what I want to give you, I want to give you understanding and empathy. Though a little different, our stories are similar. Growing up I was sexually molested by my cousin, my stepmom, my stepmom's adult son, and a cousin by marriage. One of those I do believe was rape, though the memories around it are extremely foggy and discombobulated. Then in November I was raped by a guy who was a friend of my roommate's boyfriend that stayed with us one night. He came in to rape me while I was asleep and woke me up. I had PTSD before this due to other forms of abuse I have endured, but this ensued all the other memories coming up and a suicide attempt in March.

I was seeing a T when this happened, but I couldn't tell her what happened. In fact, I only opened up about this to anyone about a month ago and that was to my new T whom I feel safer with and started seeing after the suicide attempt. I like you, found it extremely to put into words what had happened. She knew there was sexual abuse in my past, though not the details. I basically set up the "scene" the night I was raped and then I could say no more, so my T said it for me.

Maybe you could show this post to your T? Or journal it and take it with you? At first, I was terrified that it was going to make my triggers even worse and make the event seem more real. It did, but over the past few weeks it has been a relief that someone knows and that same person is taking steps to help me heal. My T also encouraged me to tell my old church pastors about this, as I consider them like parents to me and I did. Their intense response to what had happened shocked me. After all, the statistics say 1 in 5 girls will be raped.

My T says that I minimize the events that happened to me externally, while internally the memories wage wars in my body. Maybe this is the case for you too? She said by sharing with her and my pastors, I am giving myself some power over them.

Anyways, I hope you find the courage to talk to your T. You are SO very strong to have come through what you have and I know you can find the strength in you to share what has happened. And believe it or not, your T and other people are willing to handle the pain of knowing what you've been through and want to help you carry it until you can find a place to bury it. This is the analogy my T gave me… :hug:s if you want them!

 

[I am .....]

Thank you @FindingMyself88 soooo much for your reply. I feel like I'm going crazy! Logically I know I need to talk but physically have problems with it. I too am sorry you've been through what you have it really is the worst experience. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I think I might email my therapist before my next session so she "knows" and I don't have to spend the session unsuccessfully bringing it up. I just really struggle with believing it happened let alone saying the words. Idk... We'll see what happens.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Well stated @FindingMyself88
@I am ..... You are very courageous to reach out for help. I also struggled for many years and still to this day, to talk about sexual abuse. I was physically abused and bullied and strangled and kidnapped as a 24 year old. I've 'conveniently' borrowed my non-sexual traumas to explain away my PTSD. It wasn't til I started working with a trauma specialist that I have been able to verbalized that part of my story.

From my experience, it has been a relief to find words to describe what happened to me. I never think any good would come from disgusting anyone with my story. That was just shame placed directly into me by my step grandfather. I always thought that I'd take what he did to me to my grave.

I have tried to do workbooks, but much of my abuse happened before I had the vocabulary to store the info in my brain. Most of my childhood stuff is stored in my body. Now I am learning what feelings and emotions are. I get overwhelmed and terrified and I am trusting my therapist to take it easy on me.

I am interested in EMDR. I am not stable enough yet to have it. A year ago I could only tremble and shiver and now I can write words. It is a relief. It is the weight of the world off my back. My only advice would be to go easy, take as long as you want or need to tell your story, your truth. We're here to lend an ear.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Logically I know I need to talk but physically have problems with it.

This was my issue too, but eventually the need for release won out, although I wasn't able to make the actual statement of "I was raped." I think you are making a GREAT first step in emailing your T! Sending healing thoughts your way, If you ever need to talk just send me a PM!

 

[Marf]

Thank you for sharing, my trauma diary is available for you to read. My story is similar, but I left out the foster family.

You will find the words when you are ready, and YES it will help to talk about it.

We have nothing to hide or be ashamed of because it is our abusers who should be ashamed. I was always afraid that people would treat me differently if they knew, but it has not been the case.

 

[I am .....]

Thank you everyone for sharing it really helps. Sorry at a loss for words right now.

 

[joeylittle]

How do I take it a step further and tell my counsellor or my doctor and/or my T the Whole story?

Write it down (as you've done here) and give it to them; read it to them if you'd rather, or sit there while they read it, or email it (if that's an option)

Will it make me feel better? - I doubt it.

Actually, it might, because you've got so much stress built up around it. Every time I've hit one of these walls where I feel like I cannot tell my therapist about something, and I get more and more stressed, when I do tell him there is a sense of relief. Not happiness, but relief.

Will it help the healing process ??? That's the million dollar question.

Yes. Disclosure is essential to productive therapy. If there is one thing I feel like I can say as though I'm an actual authority (bearing in mind, I am not) - it is that you have to let your therapist know all the things they need to know about your trauma. And that includes disclosing the events. You don't have to be graphic, you don't have to be detailed, even; they can ask for the detail they need. But you must tell them your trauma in order for them to work with you on it. And, more importantly: you cannot begin to process it until you have given words to it. I believe that 100% and feel like I've learned it not only from my experience, but from reading about it time and time again on this forum.

Could it potentially make things worse??? How do I remedy this ??

Yes, it will likely make things feel worse for a period of time. You'll fee vulnerable, ashamed, exposed, confused, anxious, the list goes on and on. But that is a fairly normal part of the healing process. Your therapist can help you work through those strong emotions, and they are only feelings - feelings pass along, the same way thoughts do. Unfortunately it is not a pleasant thing to heal, but once you start, it does get better.

I feel like I'm so "Stuck" atm.

You've got the power to unstick yourself; disclose. I know it's easy for me to say that, way over here behind some keyboard. I'm only sharing with you many of the thoughts I went through before I was able to tell my therapist the true extent of what my trauma was.

Have courage. You've obviously had so much already. Keep going.