Need Some Advice, Please

[safenow]

I know I'm usually a very upbeat person, but today I'm really down. I went from an all time high to a fast dip when I realized how much pain I'm still in and I have no pain meds to speak of. It's Sunday, so even if I could get my doc to write a scrip, my pharmacy is closed. Sigh.

Anyway, my alternate personalities are all trying to help me, but now that I have people I can talk to about this stuff, I'd rather not use them. I hope this makes sense to who ever reads this.

Let me introduce myself to those whom I have not spoken to before. I am a 67 year old female with PTSD, multiple personality disorder (MPD) which no is called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). I have had multiple traumas in my life, starting at age 2 when my mother died. So I have been in therapy of one type or another since I was about 6-7 years old. Mentally, I am considered crazy since I'm so different than most people. However, since you are here, you know that PTSD is not insanity, it's intensity.

The only people I've ever been able to really talk to are those who were in the mental hospitals or therapists or those who are in crisis due to trauma that I've worked with one on one. I tried to talk to others about my PTSD but most of them couldn't handle it, so I stopped talking. I don't want to burden you with all my crap, but lets just say right now I am considered terminal and have hospice care. I'll probably live til I'm 110, since i've outlived most of the doctor's who keep putting time limits on my life.

Anyway, so many people have been saying nice things about me, and it is throwing me into a tail spin. I'm not used to people really hearing what I say, so now that they are, I don't know how to handle it.

Do any of you have any suggestions on how I can handle this without feeling this way? This is a new feeling for me. I thought I'd felt every feeling there was, but now I know you can teach an old dog new feeling.

 

[p-no]

safenow, have you ever purchased something, for example for decoration, because you had to have it and didn't know where to put it? Like, maybe putting it on the window sill but not really thinking that was the perfect place? Then trying somewhere else and it still not 'fitting'?

What you're experiencing reminded me of that as it often happens to me, buying something that attracts my attention and then not finding the perfect spot for it.

I know situations like the one you described in your post. Experiencing something completely new can leave an odd feeling sticking around, maybe a bit like a foul taste after food that was actually still good but still something was off or so it seemed. It's not a good feeling, despite the experience being good. (This all goes for me only, of course.)

So, what I do in such a case is I let it be. I feel the feeling and the sensation, whatever it is. I do not try to distract myself and I do not try to focus on it. I let it linger around as long as it needs to. I have found that this is the only thing I could do.

It was a bit like buying something and then finding a spot for it. Once I bought a stuffed animal and I am not really too much of a person who actually uses them. One or the other needs to be around, but not necessarily visible. Just be there in the case that I want to use it. So, when I buy one, I will maybe put in on my bed. But then, a day later or so, realize that's not where it 'belongs'. So I'll put it in a box. Also doesn't work. Etc. It can take a while, but sooner or later it will sort itself out, or rather, it will find its spot among the rest.

Maybe you can look at it this way. There's no need to hurry to classify this feeling or put it into the 'right' drawer, I would think. Get aquainted with it.

 

[safenow]

Thank you, prime-no. That makes a lot of sense to me. Really do appreciate your input.

 

[Spiderallis]

HI safenow- I didn't know your background until this thread, but from seeing you around the forums you come across as a very kind and smart person. It's not surprising to me that other people see that as well, it's what's really there. The past built up some mirages, those images linger. It took me a lot of work to get past seeing what I was told was there and look at what's really there.

Have you heard the old fable about the Emperor's New Clothes? I think of it as the opposite of that, while everyone spoke of what a fine suit the emperor had, he was naked. In our case, they may have said we were wearing rags. Some bit of reason chimes in and says "Oh my, you look lovely." and wondering what they mean, we can look within and see that it's right, there's something really beautiful there. It's always been there, it's just hard to see when we're looking for the illusions others have told us were there. I wish I could lend you my eyes to see yourself through.

 

[Abstract]

so many people have been saying nice things about me, and it is throwing me into a tail spin.

Hi SN,

I certainly don't think you are alone (from what I am understanding here). I hear many people discussing similar feelings and have done a version of them myself I believe. It might be even more intense for you because of your history and because it is happening at this age for you.

For me I would describe it as feeling very uncomfortable and I sometimes find myself feeling very angry at myself. I am ashamed to say I feel unbelieving of what is said often and even find myself blocking it. I almost feel I want to rage that it isn't true and to describe what I am instead; or even attack myself. It just all feels wrong and uncomfortable.


I read somewhere that we have an internal map of the world and others and ourselves and how it all fits together and that when anything about that map changes it causes stress. For example even a happy marriage or a new house does this too an extent. So maybe getting new input about ourselves and the way we interact with others is a very normal reason to cause us disruption.

I don't know what is right or if that sounds similar or not but the way I approach is pretty much like prime - no said. I just try to carry on and label it as discomfort and my own internal sense of myself being challenged and finding that uncomfortable. I am able to see that with my rational side and hope that with time the rest will catch up. I say to myself that it is good for me even if it doesn't feel like it. And i try to accept it.

I have noticed it gets much worse when I am feeling destabilised in general.

Anyway, my alternate personalities are all trying to help me, but now that I have people I can talk to about this stuff, I'd rather not use them.

I understand this totally. How do you feel about it? Positive? Negative? Or a bit of both.


Please ignore if I have the wrong end of the stick!

 

[safenow]

I wish I could lend you my eyes to see yourself through.

Thank you for your kind words, Spiderallis.

How do you feel about it? Positive? Negative? Or a bit of both.

I'm assuming your asking about the use of the alters. I'm getting lots of input from them. I'm journalling what is going on today, and it's all beginning to make sense to me. I've never even had a break through like this while in therapy. My goodness. I think this is all a very positive experience. It's just rather overwhelming. I'm so glad you all know what I mean. I was afraid I'd come across as a stupid old lady who is probably senile or something.

 

[Abstract]

Oh I am so glad you are making such progress! :) You don't sound stupid or senile at all! As you go along I am sure you will see others alluding to this issue.

I have had very little trauma in my life and obviously a totally different history to you but I never talked to anyone or even acknowledged things to myself (and still often don't) but when I started on online support sites not that long ago I was astounded and found it very healing and affirming. So many things that I thought were just me were not and that helped enormously. Talking has been really hard but very helpful.

I still have those moments and they still shock me. I think we human beings need other human beings. I never thought that.

Big progress or realisations are always a bit overwhelming I find.

 

[who am i kim]

No way are you senile or old. I was once with a group of women with Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) and got to see it first hand.:):):) I have PTSD - Complex. Was trying to figure the other me's inside of me. I think I have structural disassociation now. Well still working on it. T's do not like labeling you, well mine does not and that does not help.

I am sure you are greatly :angelic: appreciated here on this forum. :hug:

 

[safenow]

I never talked to anyone or even acknowledged things to myself (and still often don't)

I have found, It is difficult to face our past. But face it we must in order to heal and be able to go forward. The sharing it is the hard part. Because the majority of people in this world either don't believe it's possible, or they feel we should just "get over it". That's part of why I'm so grateful for this site. Here, everyone "gets it".

Was trying to figure the other me's inside of me.

I hope you are keeping a journal and allowing all your thoughts and the thoughts of the others to be recorded. And if your handwriting changes, or your thoughts begin to make sense to you, know that you are all working together to become whole. You might even find that sometimes the way you can communicate is to draw what you trying to share. That's the little of the littlest inside you. I hope I don't sound preachy to you.

 

[Sailorgal]

(((Safenow)))

I am sorry I didn't see your post earlier!

You know something came to mind...this is the first time you've really felt comfortable in a group. I believe "all" of you are feeling that and sensing a new found release of comfort. Healing always continues and I'm glad the parts are all cooperating. What a relief to have such a breakthrough!

You are a courageous woman! You've cone a long ways. I hope this is a start of many wonderful moments of peace. Start believing those kind words and compliments because they are true. :)

 

[99Phoenix99]

Anyway, so many people have been saying nice things about me, and it is throwing me into a tail spin. I'm not used to people really hearing what I say, so now that they are, I don't know how to handle it.

Oftentimes when I get a compliment I brush it off. Especially when I'm bombarded by them. To me they feel insincere. I take criticism better because when that person who criticises me finally gives me a compliment... that to me means something. Like I earned it.

But when I'm just being myself and I get compliments? It doesn't make sense to me. How could I be complimented for something I didn't even try to do?

For instance I've either been hospitalized, on bed rest, or severely limited in my physical capabilities for the past 7.5 years due to health problems. And I get compliments of people saying "You are so strong" "I'm so impressed by you!" .... and to me it doesn't make sense. All I did was NOT die. It's not anything that I did that kept me alive. I just so happened to not die in the OR or the ER.

I struggle with that.

It makes no sense to me.

So I guess I don't really have much input to say... except for the fact that on some level I can connect to you about this feeling. I don't know how to handle either. But I thank you all the same for sharing, it makes me feel less lonely.

 

[safenow]

All I did was NOT die. It's not anything that I did that kept me alive.

I feel that same way. Physically, I got sick in 2000 and have been in and out of the hospital since that time. People have been trying to kill me since before I was born and all I did was NOT die through every attempt on my life since that time.

I think most people heed that old saying about "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." If that is true, then I guess we are strong, but I feel as though I'm the weakest one in the world.