Need Some Support

[sun seeker]

I worry that it sounds manipulative to tell him I am in so much pain and need more help. I don't want to be like that. There are things I deliberately avoid saying sometimes because I don't want to be manipulative. But it feels like I am tying myself in knots in the effort not to need.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you @Junebug. I appreciate the good wishes, and the candle and the prayers. All are much appreciated. Thank you. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

We already went overtime in our session today, and I really wasn't okay to stop, but he had to go on to other things. Understandable. He has a life. A family.

And I know I'm not being fair. In reality, he goes way above and beyond the call of duty to help me. I know he'll be thinking of me and praying for me. I know he truly does care. It's just, somehow the wound of "there is never enough for me" is opened and oozing ugly infected stuff...

 

[GrayOwl]

Hi Sun.........
I logged on quickly as I have to leave in a few minutes for an overnight drive. I wish I had more time to read and see what's up but I have to hit the road.
I'm sending :hug::hug::hug:'s and best wishes.
Please take care of yourself. Sometimes just a little "break" - a day or two to take care of your needs - even if that's just R & R or a sanity break.
God knows we all need that. I wish you the best.
You sent a bushel of :hug::hug::hug:'s my way last week and it helped a TON !!!!
So I'm sending a few back at ya. :headphone::cool::p
You'll be in my prayers.

 

[Tinyflame]

I know @sun seeker , I too feel unless I were outright 'dead' it's surely out of line to ask.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

In a way @sun seeker , you have more people here who genuinely love you than 10 people put together. :inlove: :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

It's feeling like I've run out of things to try that is really scaring me. I've tried different kinds of therapy and a gazillion healing modalities for over 20 years. None have gotten me as far as I have with this therapist. He's one in a million, extremely skilled at the kinds of things I need to work on. There is no one better anywhere around here, maybe anywhere at all. He gets what is going on with me better than anyone ever has.

And still, I am one of his most challenging clients, and there are parts of what I am going through that he doesn't really understand. And I feel... if he can't get it, and help me, who can? I have to make this work.

I believe in trauma reenactment. We keep replaying our traumas looking for resolution. This is replaying "I start to trust someone and then learn that I can't after all." The resolution part would be going into the pain and finding that I actually can trust him. But the process got interrupted. It was horrible, like trying to communicate an urgent need in a fairground filled with fireworks and bands playing and people shouting, and you can't shout loud enough to make yourself heard.

 

[sun seeker]

This place again... walking doubled over, clutching at my stomach, bathed in a sense of dread... it's so familiar. It's like living in a nightmare.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @sun seeker . :( :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

@sun seeker, if it helps, so much of what you are talking about - the deep need to matter to someone, the overwhelming fear that you never will, the reality that there isn't anyone in your life you can count on to put you first, the lack of progress, the wondering how there could be anything else left to try....worrying that your therapist will brand you as 'needy' or 'dependent...you are describing so many things that I am struggling with, too. I don't know anything except to keep putting one hour behind the next and try to work on what I can, but I don't think I have any hope, which is a really dark and alone place to be.

So, I'll sit here in the dark with you, and maybe that can ease things for both of us.

I've flat-out asked my therapist if I'm becoming dependent, told him I'm afraid of overstepping that line, don't know how to combat the fear of overstaying my welcome. It always helps to bring it out in the open; I seem to need to do it every four months or so. It doesn't erase the feelings but it takes the pressure off, and gives me something to combat them with. I don't know if youve ever done something like that, I'm just sharing in case it's helpful.

Thinking of you lots.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm sorry it's like that for you too @joeylittle. I don't know if anyone can truly understand if they haven't been there. My therapist tries. At times he really does seem to get it, and at those times he marvels that I am still functioning at all, considering what I am feeling. I guess that should make me feel better.

It feels like I'm playing out some script I'm not even aware of. Last week we got through another layer of me being afraid he would give up on me and him telling me in a more assured way than he has before that he intends to stick it out. In fact, he told me it was a good thing if I could get angry, be needy, all those things that I am afraid to be lest people give up on me... because he won't give up on me anyway.

It felt like today we were both playing a role in some horrible B movie script, where the instructions are to play out my implicit belief that I am going to suffer forever. He could have been on a different planet for all the connection I could feel. Reality or skewed perception, I don't know, but it sent me into a tailspin.

We haven't talked about what to do when I don't feel safe. We need to. He can't be there all the time, and I don't have any friends I can call anymore, at all. I am really shaky about his vacation in a couple of months. I need a backup plan.

So, yes... sitting here in the dark with you. @Junebug said she was lighting a candle, though.

 

[sun seeker]

I am so desperate... I feel completely hopeless, doomed. I can barely even move. Called a coworker to take my most urgent client for the day.

My therapist hasn't answered the e-mail, and I am scared to call because I am so fragile, I'm afraid that if he still doesn't get it or offer any help I can hold on to, I will sink even deeper. It's like that would be the last straw and I can't afford that. I'm going to wait a little until he is likely to be working so I can leave a message.

Just surviving right now is my goal for today.