Need To Be Heard

[ja145]

Recently, a relationship of mine fell apart and I didn't handle it well when it did. I became accusing, mad, and irrational toward the person who ended things. The unfortunate thing is that in doing this I hurt him... and not surprisingly, he didn't give me the chance to explain my actions once all was said and done. I tried apologizing over text again - I had asked to see him in person, but he said I needed to learn when to just stop talking to people.

Here I am 3 weeks later and I just want to be heard. I just want a chance to explain all the hurt inside and what that reaction was all about. It took so much of me to put myself out there after the physically and emotionally abusive relationship in my past. I know my past affects me, I know my PTSD can control my life sometimes, and I know it's not an excuse but it is an explanation. I feel like a failure, and I felt like a social idiot when he told me I needed to learn when to stop talking to people... I have a degree in communications & psychology, I know I didn't handle things well. I see him all the time at his work (unfortunately a store I go to often) and I just want to be heard. I just want to be understood.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well.... Unfortunately he has told you how he feels and you should probably accept it. You have a need to be heard, but at the same time he has a right to refuse to see you or listen to you. In this case, his desire to be left alone trumps your desire to be heard by him. You're going to have to find another way to get through this, without him.

Have you tried using the skill known as radical acceptance? Sometimes when we can't change things, this skill can really help. It allows us to accept the reality of the situation so that we can move forward.

 

[Justmehere]

Hi, welcome to the forums!

I'm sorry about your break-up. Everyone makes mistakes - be kind to yourself and keep learning from the experience.

How do you feel when you are not heard? I am wondering if not being heard triggers you because of the PTSD. I wasn't heard when I tried to tell someone about trauma as a child and now at times, I can here very anxiously stuck on needing to be heard.

Even without being triggered, not being heard can be very painful.

Are you in therapy?

 

[arfie]

Triple ouch. I know it was agony when I was in this position. Acceptance got me through. It hurt, but here I am to tell about it.

He has the right to boundaries, ja. We all want to be understood, but that desire is not a civil right.

When I have been in this painful position, I found that less is better. An apology and let the rest go.

I am so sorry for your pain.

 

[Healing Reins]

I think it's hard- what your going through. But I do think as @Solara has said Radical Acceptance can help you. I just had to look up radical acceptance to refresh my memory and this is what I found; "There are three parts to radical acceptance. The first part is accepting that reality is what it is. The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause. The third part is accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it."

So for instance the first part would be in your case; accepting that he isn't talking to you.
The second could possibly be: That maybe you pushed him to far, and he pushed you too far. Both of you played equal roles in this situation.
The third would be: Even though this has happened, and even though you have PTSD, you are still able to survive.

We as humans are built to survive. This is a struggle and a really hard and shitty one. But I have complete faith in you that you will be able to come through this a better person. And learning that what you say does have an impact.

As for the desire to be heard, have you thought about Journaling? There are trauma diaries on here that are really helpful to those who use them. I have a trauma diary, and I've been using mine a lot lately and it's been helping me a lot. I also receive feedback in my journal and that helps me a lot too when people give me different point of views to look at things from. It just in general really helps me a lot.

I hope I didn't sound too harsh! And I might not be correct on all the steps, I could infect be very wrong, but if I were you I would look into radical acceptance. :) I hope this all works out of you! I have faith in you!! :)

 

[ja145]

Hi All,

I should have put some background info - I am all too familiar with journaling, acceptance, etc. as I've struggled with OCD my entire life, and panic disorder for about 10 years. I'm on medication and in therapy.

@Justmehere when I'm not heard, I feel like I don't matter...like I'm nothing and that I'm worthless. It is so hard to see him so often and not be able to tell him I'm not crazy and there's a reason I reacted like I did..but his opinion is already formed about me and I already hurt him. But I just feel like saying "I'm human too" when I'm not heard.

The OCD does not help the matter either.

 

[arfie]

I believe that, "I'm human, too" is a fair feeling to get out of these dilemmas. Completely fair and valid. This is a very appropriate place to gain that validation. You are very human and we care.

Dealing with all of this is very hard. You don't have to do it alone.

 

[Go Hungry]

I've been in that sort of situation too, where I acted way out of line and fundamentally hurt a friend. A group of them actually. Once they made it known that I was no longer welcome, I just had to accept that sometimes the best apology is to just stay away. It sucks, but sometimes it's all you can do. :(

 

[ja145]

Thank you so much @arfie I really do appreciate it...and need it. I just can't help but stop thinking...what if he knew? And that if he did know I wouldn't worry so much. I've always said that the people in my life are the most important and my top priority. I always put my family and friends first no matter what. To see him all the time and to have him think that I could hurt him on purpose or just the fact that he doesn't know the whole story is breaking my heart. I care to an extreme when I care for others and so I'm just having a really hard time with this.

 

[arfie]

"What if" is a phrase I used to drive myself over so many cliffs that I declared I.F. to be to be my personal acronym for "Idiot Factor." I do not wish to judge how other people use the word, "If" but it can definitely turn me into a blathering idiot, 165 IQ notwithstanding. Beating myself up never helped my cause, so I gently try to "get the if out of it." An apology and respect for the boundary which has been drawn are about as far as this one can go.

As for the breaking heart... Another triple ouch and ouch again. I be crying with you. Healing happens. Hope it happens to you. Gentle support while you find the way.

 

[NovemberStar]

I agree with @Solara - just as you have the right to be heard, he too has the right to put distance between the two of you. HOWEVER - that does not make your pain any less ouchie, nor does it mean you are 'wrong'. It just means that you have identified a need here, you have needed to FEEL heard, and you don't feel you were. This is differently to not BEING heard though - I imagine, for you to feel heard in this situation, you would have needed him to be understanding and to accept your apology, and not to keep blocking you out? Perhaps he DID 'hear you' - and his response was what it was; his having a different response to the one you wanted / needed, does not mean he did not hear you / you were not heard. Hope that makes sense!

It might be that if he knew the 'whole story' it would not change how he thinks or feels. He has his own past experiences and it might very well be he is not wanting to be treated like that, no matter the reason (valid or not). It might be your behavior (unintentional) bought up past stuff for him, and he has made the decision he just does not want to be exposed to hurt like that again. Trying to work out why he is responding the way he is probably won't help you - you cannot know 'why' he has reacted the way he has - what is important is he has expressed his boundary, and you probably do need to respect that, and focus on what you need to do to heal YOU.

I understand how much it hurts you, and how unhappy you are, and how much you just WANT him to 'hear' you in the way you want him too. As the others have said, you cannot change his response. What this does give you, is the opportunity to explore your reaction to the situation. Does it remind you of other times in your life where you have not been heard? What does it bring up for you? What past hurt does it trigger?

 

[TryinToHeal]

Stop stalking him and let it go. You're only hurting yourself more. Every time you show up at his store or text him you are throwing away another piece of your Power.

We have to learn to sit with pain. We have to learn to forgive ourselves and stop trying to be perfect.

Everyone gets rejected. I know guys who have killed over that. Did you kill anyone? Okay. Then let it go.

But as always, I suggest getting a program of recovery to work through all this stuff. The method that works the best for me is something called Big Book Step Study. People really do get well.