WillowMarie
Silver Member
I just need to vent. Hope if I type this out it will calm me and I can fall asleep before my mind starts going over things again or what not.
Work has been a big stressor for me this week. Tonight I had an argument with another associate in the department. We both can get irritated about things and tend to argue, so it is not a good mix...
I was in another aisle and start hearing her and another associate calling my name multiple times. Already the tone in her voice has me on edge and I am getting a bit nervous. I round the corner and see her standing with two other associates talking and she asks me to help a customer. I don't remember how I phrased it, but I asked her why she wasn't getting it/why she wasn't helping the customer. She said she was on break right now, which I replied, well, if you can let me know next time you are taking a break, please.
Which is something normally you do, and I always make sure to tell another person because it is respectful and so that the area is covered. And since we were the only two associates there, (Chris left at 9) I know she didn't tell another associate to cover. After I helped the customer she was badgering me about why she had to tell me and that she had been pulled to another department. Which no one had told me. I was seeing her pop in and out of the department every other half hour and half the time when I saw her she was walking around talking to her associate friend. (I didn't mention this last bit to her.)
She was telling me that Chris knew, and I was like, Chris is not here, and he didn't update me on this. She said it was one of the assistant managers who was standing right there. I was sooo confused because the new assistant never introduced himself to me and I haven't asked him for his name yet. And the worst part was through this whole thing was I trying to stay calm, but I was feeling so dissociated and worked up. I could feel myself trembling. My brain was fried and there was no way I could rationally explain what I was thinking because words were not coming well at all. She was just kept coming at me in her irritated voice.
I probably sounded like an idiot and the other associate she was talking to was getting a kick out of the whole thing and had put her head down and looked away because I am pretty sure she was starting to laugh. The loss prevention guy had also walked up halfway through this and was standing there. (he is buddies with the girl I was arguing with, UGH) Plus, it is embarrassing because this guy witnessed my other freak out this week where I started to cry and had to say excuse me and walked away from who was talking to me to go calm down before I burst out in tears. (So he has just seen me being an emotional wreck this week...)
I decided since it was only five minutes until I had to leave, I decided to go turn in my keys and leave a couple minutes early because I was so worked up and didn't want to be around the associate I had argued with anymore. So I went to turn in my keys and one of the managers asked me who was in the department. I said, the other girl associate is here until ten (it was almost ten), but she is technically on break right now (I guess I was trying to say no one was covering the department). Then I decided it was a good idea for some reason to ramble and I don't even know how coherent I sounded... it was embarrassing.
I had said something about being frustrated because I was just arguing with the other associate. That she had called me over to help a customer, but she was standing there talking with two other associates and so I questioned her about it. That she said she was on break and then was upset with me for questioning her, so we were arguing. The manager was saying how she always tells associates to not take breaks on the floor so things like this doesn't happen. Especially because it doesn't look good to customers. I replied, that I agreed.
I was still kind of emotional and dissociated, so I could feel myself talking a bit faster and didn't know how coherent I was the whole time or how well I was able to communicate. So at the end, I felt awkward and spouted out that I need to just remember to breathe, I will be alright... like I was trying to reassure her, or maybe myself, that I was going to be okay. I hope the manager didn't think I was crazy at that point...
Then I went to my car and the emotions and thoughts were still creeping around and got more intense.I started to think of what I needed to do next time it happens to not get so worked up. How I would remember to breathe, or maybe just walk away instead of engaging.
Then I had a thought, I have a habit of automatically thinking of what I should do next time in a situation if it is with a person who is frustrated at me and we start to bicker. I thought of when I went to my dad after stepping on a toy in my room and told him I hurt my food. He yelled at me, it was my own fault, maybe I should clean my damn room. I thought maybe that relates to why I start thinking of what I should have done and make a note for next time. Maybe I am off base on that, maybe my brain just wanted to try to obsess and analyze something to forget about the emotions I was feeling. I tried to make a note of my revelation and tell my brain to stop so I could just try to feel the emotions and focus on grounding and not pushing things away.
My mind also started to tell me I did something wrong and that I was going to get in trouble. I felt the tears coming up and I still felt shaky. I tried to remind myself that everything was going to be okay. I tried to remind myself I can talk to my assistant manager when I see him next and see if it is something he wants to mention to her. I tried to focus on the ice cold steering wheel on my hands in case I was in need of grounding, and turned up my music to concentrate on that as well.
I am just trying to shake the feelings/thoughts that are coming up that I am in trouble. I am feeling scared and alone. Ashamed where I am having thoughts that I can't tell anyone because they are going to tell me I was in the wrong, that I should have stayed calm, that I knew better. I am trying to imagine the stop sign my therapist told me to imagine when my brain starts running like this.
I just really need some sleep and for my brain and emotions to stop bringing the evening event back up so I can fall asleep.
Work has been a big stressor for me this week. Tonight I had an argument with another associate in the department. We both can get irritated about things and tend to argue, so it is not a good mix...
I was in another aisle and start hearing her and another associate calling my name multiple times. Already the tone in her voice has me on edge and I am getting a bit nervous. I round the corner and see her standing with two other associates talking and she asks me to help a customer. I don't remember how I phrased it, but I asked her why she wasn't getting it/why she wasn't helping the customer. She said she was on break right now, which I replied, well, if you can let me know next time you are taking a break, please.
Which is something normally you do, and I always make sure to tell another person because it is respectful and so that the area is covered. And since we were the only two associates there, (Chris left at 9) I know she didn't tell another associate to cover. After I helped the customer she was badgering me about why she had to tell me and that she had been pulled to another department. Which no one had told me. I was seeing her pop in and out of the department every other half hour and half the time when I saw her she was walking around talking to her associate friend. (I didn't mention this last bit to her.)
She was telling me that Chris knew, and I was like, Chris is not here, and he didn't update me on this. She said it was one of the assistant managers who was standing right there. I was sooo confused because the new assistant never introduced himself to me and I haven't asked him for his name yet. And the worst part was through this whole thing was I trying to stay calm, but I was feeling so dissociated and worked up. I could feel myself trembling. My brain was fried and there was no way I could rationally explain what I was thinking because words were not coming well at all. She was just kept coming at me in her irritated voice.
I probably sounded like an idiot and the other associate she was talking to was getting a kick out of the whole thing and had put her head down and looked away because I am pretty sure she was starting to laugh. The loss prevention guy had also walked up halfway through this and was standing there. (he is buddies with the girl I was arguing with, UGH) Plus, it is embarrassing because this guy witnessed my other freak out this week where I started to cry and had to say excuse me and walked away from who was talking to me to go calm down before I burst out in tears. (So he has just seen me being an emotional wreck this week...)
I decided since it was only five minutes until I had to leave, I decided to go turn in my keys and leave a couple minutes early because I was so worked up and didn't want to be around the associate I had argued with anymore. So I went to turn in my keys and one of the managers asked me who was in the department. I said, the other girl associate is here until ten (it was almost ten), but she is technically on break right now (I guess I was trying to say no one was covering the department). Then I decided it was a good idea for some reason to ramble and I don't even know how coherent I sounded... it was embarrassing.
I had said something about being frustrated because I was just arguing with the other associate. That she had called me over to help a customer, but she was standing there talking with two other associates and so I questioned her about it. That she said she was on break and then was upset with me for questioning her, so we were arguing. The manager was saying how she always tells associates to not take breaks on the floor so things like this doesn't happen. Especially because it doesn't look good to customers. I replied, that I agreed.
I was still kind of emotional and dissociated, so I could feel myself talking a bit faster and didn't know how coherent I was the whole time or how well I was able to communicate. So at the end, I felt awkward and spouted out that I need to just remember to breathe, I will be alright... like I was trying to reassure her, or maybe myself, that I was going to be okay. I hope the manager didn't think I was crazy at that point...
Then I went to my car and the emotions and thoughts were still creeping around and got more intense.I started to think of what I needed to do next time it happens to not get so worked up. How I would remember to breathe, or maybe just walk away instead of engaging.
Then I had a thought, I have a habit of automatically thinking of what I should do next time in a situation if it is with a person who is frustrated at me and we start to bicker. I thought of when I went to my dad after stepping on a toy in my room and told him I hurt my food. He yelled at me, it was my own fault, maybe I should clean my damn room. I thought maybe that relates to why I start thinking of what I should have done and make a note for next time. Maybe I am off base on that, maybe my brain just wanted to try to obsess and analyze something to forget about the emotions I was feeling. I tried to make a note of my revelation and tell my brain to stop so I could just try to feel the emotions and focus on grounding and not pushing things away.
My mind also started to tell me I did something wrong and that I was going to get in trouble. I felt the tears coming up and I still felt shaky. I tried to remind myself that everything was going to be okay. I tried to remind myself I can talk to my assistant manager when I see him next and see if it is something he wants to mention to her. I tried to focus on the ice cold steering wheel on my hands in case I was in need of grounding, and turned up my music to concentrate on that as well.
I am just trying to shake the feelings/thoughts that are coming up that I am in trouble. I am feeling scared and alone. Ashamed where I am having thoughts that I can't tell anyone because they are going to tell me I was in the wrong, that I should have stayed calm, that I knew better. I am trying to imagine the stop sign my therapist told me to imagine when my brain starts running like this.
I just really need some sleep and for my brain and emotions to stop bringing the evening event back up so I can fall asleep.
