Need To Vent...

[atthree]

He does sound like he had PTSD as well. My father was also loud, my mother moved out and we followed after school ended the same year. Remembered my father had us pray mom would come back.

This Forum is moving..
God Bless

 

[macca]

@atthree You are right, my father had PTSD, and he was frightening and emotionally abusive as well. My husband doesn't, though I think he has some other issues going on. Other than anger outbursts, he doesn't have any symptoms, or any trauma in his background.

 

[Abstract]

What concerns me macca is that so much of what you describe is narcissistic. If he has significant tendencies or has a serious personality disorder of this type then he is going to find it near impossible to take any responsibility for his actions or believe that anyone else having difficulties is not some sort of plot to spoil his life.

It seems to me you need as much intervention and support as possible. It may be that with the right input he could get these problematic tendencies under control. It is possible for those with these issues to improve. If they are able to hear what is being said to them.

I wonder if it would be worthwhile reading up on the best way to deal with someone with serious ego issues (if you agree that this is likely). Initially I think the most likely means of getting through to him (to get professional help or input) is to get him to see what losses he could have if he doesn't deal with them, or for you to set an ultimatum. It may be hard for him to truly care how all this is effecting you and your son. It probably needs to be about him to have any success. Is your t able to suggest some ways of making things better? Maybe this doesn't need to be about marriage counselling as such and rather needs to be about building boundaries and safety in the family until you can regroup and find a proper way forward. I may have it wrong of course so please feel free to ignore.

 

[macca]

I think you are right Abstract. I think he does have some narcissistic traits, though I don't think he is a full-blown narcissist. I have never been able to get through to him, but he sees me as emotional and therefore "weak" with no logic.

I am not coping. I am not getting anywhere near enough sleep, and there is just too much stress from too many different directions. I cracked up this afternoon, and lost the plot again. He showed a complete lack of empathy again. He cannot see it. I have to hang on til my T comes back from holidays, but I don't see her til the 25th. Seems like forever til then. I'm out of my mind. I just wish he knew how to care. He does when things are going well, but if they aren't running smoothly I cannot depend on him. Why would he lecture me on what I'm doing wrong, when I'm not coping and am obviously dangerously on the edge? When he knows that my family made me "wrong" about everything I said, or did, or felt - that it's triggering for me and he knows that? It's not the core trauma, but it's from the emotional abuse. The only hope I have is if a professional can get through to him I think.

Maybe he's right, and I am weak. I certainly feel useless.

 

[Barconian]

I'm wondering @macca . Do you guys have a lot on your plate within your day to day life (pressure) at the moment?

 

[macca]

@Barconian Yeah man. Things are pretty tough here. So it's tough on my husband too. Lots of stress from all sorts of directions, especially financially and with our son's troubles. Your question has been an eye-opener there. I knew there was stress, but didn't realise how much it's stirred the PTSD up. My husband is pretty sick of me though. He told me a couple of months ago that he had trouble having empathy for me anymore. Anyway, I'm starting to dissociate, and I'm wanting to stay that way. It feels safer, and it causes less trouble.

 

[Barconian]

@macca Your husband only said what he said because his own distress is rising.. Outside stresses can destroy a community! Having children that are not mainstream are emotionally difficult and it isn't deliberate on their part, it just happens. I hope you guys can get through this hurdle, soon. It sounds like your husband is the strong one in the family and as he is having difficulty, you and your son are feeling vulnerable. Maybe use your spare strength to encourage your man to work through these outside issues that you have and see if you can get some structure back? I wish you peace at the end of your journey

 

[Abstract]

It sounds like there may be hope there still macca. I do think professional help is the way to go. He may need a lot more education about both OCD and PTSD and from someone on the outside who is in the know.

I think a way to differentiate general tendencies and the effects of stress is how someone is over a long period. Stress shows up the chinks and if someone has narcissistic tendencies they can often be fine if everything is going their way and they are getting a lot of attention. If these are only tendencies he has and stress is contributing then he should be able to change his behaviour. I think a lot of people would find their empathy being challenged when they are dealing with the stress of having to deal with ongoing demands of conditions such as OCD and PTSD bt not everyone would be cruel and inappropriately angry in response to those challenges.

It sounds a little like an anger management issue to me. You don't have a tough psychiatrist do you?

 

[macca]

Thanks guys, for sticking with me. I'm really struggling. I've tried to answer several times, and just cannot think straight enough. There is an unusual amount of stress right now, our son's anxiety has increased alongside the start of school, and I didn't get paid in January, and other stuff like that. For the long-term patterns - my husband has never been good with emotions, and pushes him own down so far that he doesn't recognise his own. When he gets angry, it's intense, though he disagrees. I have thought that maybe it was me, and that could be part of it, because I am very triggered by angry men, but other people have noticed it too.

Anyway, it's really difficult for me to think right now. It's taken so long just to write this post. I'm having trouble containing my PTSD, with my symptoms running riot at the moment. I get suicidal during some of my flashbacks, and that's not good. So that has to be my priority for now, managing myself, plus helping my son.

 

[Abstract]

Can you email your t macca?

 

[macca]

No, I've never had her email. She's overseas at the moment. If things get bad, I'll ring a helpline that has been posted on here as being good. I have nobody else. I'm grateful for this forum. I just have to keep surviving. I wish I was further along in my recovery. It seems like I'll never improve, but others have, so it must be possible. I have to keep telling myself I've lived through much worse, that everything passes. I need to remember to use the coping skills I've learned in therapy. I get overwhelmed, but if I can hang on, it will pass, and I'll be ok. I just wish my husband would go a little easier on me. He just doesn't understand, but I'm not sure he ever will.