Relationship Need to Vent

[Rollercoaster4]

Just need a safe space to vent and not be judged because (hence the username) who knows if I'll be back in the rollercoaster tomorrow and well my own supporters are quite tired of my stubbornness and support of my SO.

Years I have spent being supportive pushing aside my wants and needs (first mistake I know) because I knew you weren't in an ok place and you desperately wanted the help. You got the help and you say you are still getting help but you have faded very quickly back into Dr. Jekyll. Actually I know you arent getting the additional amount of help you need, but there is no telling you different. All I asked for this one year was to have one stable fall and winter part of the year so as to not have the usual mental and emotional stress from your anniversary periods and get to enjoy the holidays. But here we are again, the anger, the irrationality, the depression, the isolation, the ghosting, the self loathing, the negative self beliefs, the projection...

Man oh man do I find it so easy to justify all of this for him and "wait" for the isolation to be over, but darn it he knows how much hurt it causes and how much of a negative impact it has had and has on our relationship and little ones. Darn it I know I have to stick to the hard boundary I set because I deserve better and I respect myself and this is far from the first go around. We were doing ok then damn you November 1st and whatever demons that go along with it have once again entered our lives and won. Once again I got the brunt of your anger and head games and you have caused a barrier that very well could be permenant this time. All the what if and should of or could of, but when it comes down to it, you the man I love, not Dr. Jekyll, had the choice to get a better handle on this and behave differently, this is not my fault.

I flipping hate the PTSD. I hate the trauma. I hate watching this all unfold every flipping year; every anniverssary or flare up. I hate living with ghosts I dont know and those ghosts having a foothold in the present.

I hate explaining to my children what it means to be sick so they dont personalize Dr. Jeklly's isolation and let down. So they dont feel like it's their fault or that they did something wrong or are not loved.

I pray this isnt the year you give up and you lock Dr. Jekyll back up, but I think this is the year we cant walk this journey together anymore.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Just need a safe space to vent and not be judged because (hence the username) who knows if I'll be back in the rollercoaster tomorrow and well my own supporters are quite tired of my stubbornness and support of my SO.

Years I have spent being supportive pushing aside my wants and needs (first mistake I know) because I knew you weren't in an ok place and you desperately wanted the help. You got the help and you say you are still getting help but you have faded very quickly back into Dr. Jekyll. Actually I know you arent getting the additional amount of help you need, but there is no telling you different. All I asked for this one year was to have one stable fall and winter part of the year so as to not have the usual mental and emotional stress from your anniversary periods and get to enjoy the holidays. But here we are again, the anger, the irrationality, the depression, the isolation, the ghosting, the self loathing, the negative self beliefs, the projection...

Man oh man do I find it so easy to justify all of this for him and "wait" for the isolation to be over, but darn it he knows how much hurt it causes and how much of a negative impact it has had and has on our relationship and little ones. Darn it I know I have to stick to the hard boundary I set because I deserve better and I respect myself and this is far from the first go around. We were doing ok then damn you November 1st and whatever demons that go along with it have once again entered our lives and won. Once again I got the brunt of your anger and head games and you have caused a barrier that very well could be permenant this time. All the what if and should of or could of, but when it comes down to it, you the man I love, not Dr. Jekyll, had the choice to get a better handle on this and behave differently, this is not my fault.

I flipping hate the PTSD. I hate the trauma. I hate watching this all unfold every flipping year; every anniverssary or flare up. I hate living with ghosts I dont know and those ghosts having a foothold in the present.

I hate explaining to my children what it means to be sick so they dont personalize Dr. Jeklly's isolation and let down. So they dont feel like it's their fault or that they did something wrong or are not loved.

I pray this isnt the year you give up and you lock Dr. Jekyll back up, but I think this is the year we cant walk this journey together anymore.

You are responsible. You want something different for your children. If you can't fix it, or it isn't in your control, or you are trying to belong to a relationship that doesn't really fit you, isn't respectful, isn't compassionate.....then it is in your control to take care of the kids. You give them your attention.....for now, make a plan, and move forward. Whatever your plan, make sure your kids are emotionally and physically safe, as well as yourself. Nothing worthwhile is easy....I have found. I walked away.....I'm much happier and so much more grounded in my own values....Good luck.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is the supporter area... and a vent. Keep that in mind before commenting.

@Rollercoaster4 I’m sorry you’re having such a rough go of it. It’s hard to shelter your kids and never have happy holidays with your family. It sounds like you’re very supportive of your partner... and it is totally normal to get frustrated at times. Caregiver burnout is a real thing.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Thank you to both of you. The vent wasn't meant to be mean or negate what the sufferer goes through by any means. I get it... I see and hear the pain he is in, it's very real. I see the person I love and care for falling. Supporting isnt for the faint of hearts and yes burn out is very real. I use to hold so much hope and optimism but through the years and continued pattern it was depleted. I wish I could go back to having that hope and optimistic fuel. I wish I could go back to where I dont feel differently.

I really thought we were making head way in couples therapy and I felt I was finally getting close to being validated and getting answers but at the drop of a hat the tables turned quick. It flipping sucks when it goes south that you are viewed as the evil one and there is no rationalizing it. That is what I cant cope with, the unknown of when the other shoe is going to drop, when the isolation is going to hit, it's the worst feeling when it does even when I can logically say it's the illness not him.

I'm just grieving and I'm preparing myself for the days to come that consist of hurt and tears. I just needed a space to unload my thoughts and feelings with others who know and understand because I feel like I'm going to explode. We have been at this for awhile and it hasn't changed much so I know that it wont change anytime soon.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The vent wasn't meant to be mean or negate what the sufferer goes through by any means.

Don’t worry about that here. This is the supporter section, and exactly the place to vent. We’re more concerned with supporting YOU in this little corner of the forum. Your partner is not the most important person in the relationship just because he has PTSD, even if it seems like it a lot of the time.

You are allowed to feel anyway you feel... angry, frustrated, sad, whatever. Never feel guilty for having human emotions.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thank you to both of you. The vent wasn't meant to be mean or negate what the sufferer goes through by any means. I get it... I see and hear the pain he is in, it's very real. I see the person I love and care for falling. Supporting isnt for the faint of hearts and yes burn out is very real. I use to hold so much hope and optimism but through the years and continued pattern it was depleted. I wish I could go back to having that hope and optimistic fuel. I wish I could go back to where I dont feel differently.

I really thought we were making head way in couples therapy and I felt I was finally getting close to being validated and getting answers but at the drop of a hat the tables turned quick. It flipping sucks when it goes south that you are viewed as the evil one and there is no rationalizing it. That is what I cant cope with, the unknown of when the other shoe is going to drop, when the isolation is going to hit, it's the worst feeling when it does even when I can logically say it's the illness not him.

I'm just grieving and I'm preparing myself for the days to come that consist of hurt and tears. I just needed a space to unload my thoughts and feelings with others who know and understand because I feel like I'm going to explode. We have been at this for awhile and it hasn't changed much so I know that it wont change anytime soon.

@Rollercoaster4 It's really hard, and it sounds like you are working towards a solution-working hard to make good choices for yourself and your family. Glad you reached out.... good luck.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Oddly this go around I hurt but I'm more calm and at peace. Someone asked me, do you really think this is it? Before... I'd say I hope not, but this time I dont have an answer. I no longer make excuses and say "oh its PTSD we will move forward". We never moved forward from each event and learned from it. I would try to find resolution and solutions but I wasnt met with the same so I just shoved it away and I think it has now just made me accept and find some form of sickening peace with I cant control this outcome, maybe we arent meant to be together, maybe he preferences acting this way, maybe he is as stable as he can be and it doesnt match what my needs are. As much as he says he wanted the same as I, his actions hardly matched his words. I have given myself closure this go around. Although I still very much worry that he is in a dark place and it brings back those times I knew he was at the point of ending it all for himself. I read in another post how one accepts their sufferers two realities, I dont think I can accept his symptomatic reality because it is so negative towards me. That reality is known as me who caused all his distress. Definetly have learned that there is something much more deeper than the PTSD occurring and I cant be blind to it anymore. Maybe my hang up right now is it hurts to feel be rejected and be thrown away as if you were nothing which leads me to think that my choice in the participation of this relationship for so long and the dynamics has caused my own set of insecurities. Thank you for all your kind words and positive reinforcements.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

So if someone could give me insight, I heard from him after I had to do a welfare check because he hadn't returned home and he made a comment that wasnt very clear and given historical behaviors I was concerned. His response stated he was fine and then shot back with a snarky comment blaming me for the current because the day prior to his isolation and antics I had asked to table a discussion with stressors I'm dealing with and he left angrily, well more explosively with anger. I asked to table it because he would have gotten angry at the discussion resulting in the same outcome. I can read him pretty good after all this time. I'm not sure if this is him deflecting or he literally could not tolerate my desire to table a discussion. This is not how he would normally handle things on good days so I'm trying to figure out if Im getting a head game going on here. Or if this is just pure irrationality at its finest. I then told him well since you are fine you can either communicate about this with me and a joint decision is made or you can decide it's a no go and we move forward with no discussion....oh and just wait... no response to that.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Nobody is responsible for his mental health except him. You are not triggering him, he is being triggered. Personal accountability is a thing. He needs to manage himself.

You are allowed to discuss or not discuss anything you’d like.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Thank you. Yes I know logically that he needs to be managing himself and I am allowed to have boundaries. I found out from his family he has been isolating from them as well again. Im not sure what is going on and Im trying to be mindful and calm this year as to not upset myself or irritate the situation, but he has sent odd messages and I'll reply but then he wont respond which leads to me beleive off past experiences he is back in a bad head space. Now I find myself upset at my own self and I dont know why. This go around I am not reaching out, not doing in person check-in, not apologizing, and not dropping food off. I know I cant support in this way anymore, I cant deal with this type of isolation. It would be one thing if he said hey I'm in a bad place instead its like a blow up...dissappear... send weird messages...then no responses which usually follows with major depressive messages from him then the cycle continues. It makes me upset that this is my career realm and he and I have spoken in depth about this being lifelong and he may need additional treatment, but he thinks what he has done thus far is enough. This could have been managed. I know he has to want to change and I know he has to do the work. It's just two completely different people so it is literally trying to figure out for myself what direction to go because I know I'm going to either never hear from him again or I'm going to hear from him after all is said and done and I am afraid at that point I will have fully gave up. I just wish it werent this way and I wish he could just flat out say "peace out move on" instead of this cryptic messaging.

 

[blackemerald1]

I just wish it werent this way and I wish he could just flat out say "peace out move on" instead of this cryptic messaging.

^Sufferer here. Not wanting to butt in, and sorry if this is unhelpful. Have you asked him ^ straight out to tell you in plain speak? Rather than you trying to mind or mood read him because you sound like you are going through hell and not just you either. Your children too.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

^Sufferer here. Not wanting to butt in, and sorry if this is unhelpful. Have you asked him ^ straight out to tell you in plain speak? Rather than you trying to mind or mood read him because you sound like you are going through hell and not just you either. Your children too.

Butting in is quite welcome especially from a sufferer stand point. Yes I have multiple times with the response only needing to be yes or no. He wont answer. The only difference this year is I'm not blocked. I know not to inquire about if he is in a dark place because that one was provided with a response of "I dont f*ing need intensive help". I dont know I guess in this situation it's a no win either way. After that not nice response I stopped contact and he tried reaching me several times on Veterans day but I was so spent with work and kids then he sent a message this morning asking if he was allowed to pick up something and then I didn't hear from him again nor did he pick the stuff up. I'm not angry. I'm hurt. And I would of thought after the discussion we had in couples therapy months back and his agreement to not do this again we wouldn't be right back here. He is a good guy, stubborn as hell, but when not like this a genuinely good guy, it is just sad. I guess if I knew he wasnt being mean versus he is really in an episode then I'd maybe be able to know better how to approach especially if he were hitting crisis point.