Never Good Enough - In My Head That Is

[Monarch]

So today I am hearing (in my head) "You are not good enough". It is hard to block that out when it is playing so loud and I have heard it for so long. I don't want to hear it anymore but I don't know how to make it go away. It makes me want to cry and throw things. I hate never being good enough.

All of this bad stuff goes through my head, everything I have done wrong, I can see it, smell it, hear it and live it all over again and it shows me that I am absolutely right " I am not good enough". But I don't want to hear it anymore, I don't want to see it or smell, or taste or any of that anymore. I am just so beat down by it I don't know how to stop it, I just don't know.

Monarch

 

[Deleted member 93]

I would suggest trying one thing I do at times. Post it notes. Write out the negative and then on another color post it next to it write out a positive spin.

I do not know the details so if you want to give a couple generic examples lets me show you how to counter it with another thought. In essence you retrain your brain to think the positive over time and leaving you in a better place. We can all get through this and why we are here. I see you participating and seeking help as a major positive.

 

[hodge]

I've been there, Monarch, so often. I have to fight to stop that voice. I'm no expert, but when I get in this mode, it helps me to try to get a different perspective on myself. Sort of like the slogan at the bottom of this page - add some color to the black and white thinking. Like, okay, I'll ask myself, good enough for what exactly? Pleasing someone else's standards of how I should be? (In my case, my mom's, mostly.) Or trying to be perfect in order to cover up how damaged I feel? How realistic is that? How healing is that?? These are the times I have to fight to find my own small voice that says what I should care about, what's really important, is what kind of person am I being right now? How am I treating others, and how am I treating myself? When I find myself beating myself up, I have to try to remind myself that I'm just taking over where the abuser(s) left off and continuing the cycle. If there's nothing else I accomplish in this world, I can work to break that cycle of abuse. That starts with me. And in a lot of ways there may be nothing more important I can do with my life.

I hope this helps. Believe me, I know how hard it is when I get stuck in a rut like this, but I have to remind myself that my job now is to make new ruts, healthier ruts, ruts I can live better with!

 

[Monarch]

I think I am just really depressed about what is happening at work, I thought I was over all this crap, I don't have anger issues but I don't like being treated like crap and I don't take it very well so when people give it to me I dish it right back and I can't do that in a corp. environment. But if I don't dish it right back then I cut and I want to hurt myself and I hate myself and all that other negative crap. I don't know what to do, can't quit my job, the money is too good and we need it. I am looking for a new job but I will probably run into the same thing any place else. *Sigh*

 

[candy]

"Or trying to be perfect in order to cover up how damaged I feel?"

Yes, that's it exactly! Thank you for putting into words exactly what I try to do. I couldn't really figure out how to express it. But then I read that... and there it is. That's exactly it.

Sigh...

 

[Monarch]

i hate myself.

 

[hodge]

You're very welcome, Candy. It took me a long, long time to figure out--and, mostly, admit--that one. I'm glad it helped.

Monarch, you are going through a major work stress. Standing up for ourselves is a big part of this healing, so when you get negative consequences for doing that, it is so hard to deal with. I just hope you can find your way to being kinder to yourself.

 

[Monarch]

Thanks hodge, I just have to treat this as a situation that I have to "just get through". Hopefully I can learn something from this and grow to understand how I can stand up for myself without looking like I am angry.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I don't know if these 2 are connected, but I'm sick of the voice in my head that keeps telling me how stupid I am. The voice that tells me what a quitter I am is always there too. If anyone even ventures close to either one of these triggers I go nuts. My temper takes over and off I go! All over some poor unsuspecting idiot that said the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person.. Questioning my intelligence is the biggest trigger I have that will send me into full blown anxiety and a wave of uncontrolable tears. It is almost impossible to console me. So the triggers may be different but the feelings and the pain are the same. It basically sucks, doesn't it? I would love to know how to shgut up the dam voices. Anyone got any good-healthy ideas?

 

[Monarch]

Herc....sounds like what I do for sure. I actually brought this up in therapy on sat. and it was amazing where my " I am not good enough" comes from. basically my parents, it was really hard to talk about, and I actually don't remember word for word what was said, I went into my scared self. Basically I am told that things like that, "I am not good enough", "I am stupid", " I can't do anything right", comes from stuff that people told us while we were growing up, usually our parents. They either said it with their voice or actions, over and over so much that we actually belive it. As you get older, you want to fight those horrible words, that is when the anxiety or anger comes in and takes over, you are trying to fight the crap that someone else did or said to you. I actually came close to crying at one point during therapy which is something I haven't done yet. it was pretty amazing to see where that came from and to being up the particular instances and to greive, because all I wanted was the be loved as a child and I wasn't, instead I was told that I couldn't do anything right and that sets me up to fail everytime.

Anyway, it was a good learning day for me. I have had terrible nightmares and been on edge since but that is starting to taper off now. I hate that the most, I open up about one thing and here we go, away on the rollercoaster.

 

[Grama-Herc]

Monarch. Congrats on a good therapy session. They are, however, rough at times and extremely draining. I never plan anything for "after" a session. My mother often tells me that she wished the "'info"' available today was around when she was raising her family. Maybe I wouldn't be so screwed up if it had been. But at least we both know she did the best she could. It was my Dad who always called me names and put me down. He actually use to tell me that he wished I was a boy. This was a statement I heard my whole young childhood. OH WOW a memory, all be it a crappy one it is still a memory. Anyway, hang in there. We are good people no matter what anybody says! Have a good one HERC