Sexual Assault Never Thought It Would Happen To Me

[a.z]

I still don't believe it happened to me. I don't want to believe it happened to me. It's been almost 48 hours and I've choked down multiple panic attacks and tears at work so feel like it's time to talk.
My husband and I visited out of town friends who we've known for over a year. We drank a lot. My husband and I both passed out on adjacent couches. The next morning my friend reported that she and her husband tried repeatedly to wake us up to go to bed, but neither of us were responding. This is what happened hours earlier.
I woke up three times, for seconds each time. The first time there was a man's weight on me and he had his hands all over me and in me. I vaguely thought it was my husband, told him no and tried to roll over. The second time I woke up his hand was still inside of me and he has recording me on his cellphone, I remember seeing the light. This feels more like a nightmare, I blacked out almost instantly, I don't know if I was even capable of saying no or screaming. The third time I heard him whispering "let's go upstairs" as he was trying to enter me. I remember saying no and feeling scared, I rolled away and fell in and out of consciousness for a few minutes. It's like I was trying to wake up but couldn't. I remember calling my husbands' name and reaching for his hand before I fell asleep for the last time.
We left very early in the morning, I was trying to convince myself that it had been a very bad dream. I know it wasn't a dream because my vagina was sore. I was still a little bit drunk and was in denial, thinking I could just pretend it was consensual with my husband. But as I sobered up I knew I was lying to myself.
My husband had to leave for business for a few days so I'm trying to get my head straight before he gets home.
If I tell my husband, he'll want to kill the guy. And that's if he doesn't think that I cheated on him. Which is exactly what this guy will say happened. It will tear apart our circle of friends. My husband may think I'm dirty or damaged. I've read the stories online about marriages falling apart. If I never say anything I'll have to see this guy again someday (but not often, maybe once or twice a year). I can just pretend I have no memory of anything happening (he may believe this because I told his wife I don't remember a thing from midnight on). Or I can tell him in private that I know what he did and that I'll keep his secret if he promises never to do it again or tell anybody what happened. The guy is an asshole but I truly don't believe he would do this sort of thing again, he was very drunk and high. And if I wait too long to tell anybody, will they just think I actually did cheat and am feeling guilty?
I have one friend in mind that I think I can talk to. But I really need advice from others with similar experiences. I'm afraid to say the words out loud because once I do, I will forever be the girl that was sexually assaulted by her friend. Maybe I can keep it inside and not go completely insane.
Thank you for listening.

 

[Venusian]

I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I wish I could say something that would make it easier but I know there just isn't right now. If you can find it where you are call a crisis line. The one that is here is staffed by great people that are great at listening and at being there with advice or resources for whatever you decide to do. If you are up to it can you see a doctor or a clinic that can make sure that you are okay? I know that right now your emotions are all over the place but if you want to have any proof it is vital that you try and get it as soon as possible. If you were drugged there may still be some in your system. If you go to a clinic it is possible they do some tests. I don't know if they would have to involve the police if they do that or if they can do the tests and you could decide later. That is something that the crisis center could help you with.

Just know that none of this is your fault. You were with your husband and with people that you thought you could trust. You should have been safe. No one has the right to do what he did. Treat yourself very gently right now. Take the time to take care of yourself. You did nothing wrong. It is a very scary place to be but you don't have to be alone through this. Keep writing, keep reaching out if you can. Believe me, it will get better but maybe not for a while. I don't know if you want a virtual hug but I will give you one:hug:, ignore it if you don't.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi a.z, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. Venusian has some great advice about getting medical help and crisis lines.

I just want to add to that with what I've learnt from my own experience, and from others here. Secrets eat away at you. As much as you want this to go away, it won't. And the longer you leave it, the harder it is to deal with it. I would urge you to tell your husband. This is too big an experience to hide from him. It will only get harder to tell him the longer you leave it, and as much as you want to forget about it, you will remember and it will likely affect your relationship in others ways if you don't open up to him. While your husband may want to kill the guy, do you think he would act on that?

As for the other guy, what happens next time he's drunk and high? - he could do it again. And whilst that's not your responsibility, it might give you some peace of mind to report the incident to the Police. They may not be able to act on the information you give, but it could be that he's done it before or does it again. Sometimes, it takes multiple incidents for the Police to gain enough evidence to prosecute.

Honestly, if you decide not to speak out, I really wouldn't talk to the guy who did it. Asking him to keep quiet is a bad idea, because he will have a hold over you.

You are going through a whole load of emotions right now. It would be good for you to talk to somebody, (a friend or crisis line).

I bottled up being raped for years and years, and in many ways keeping quiet is my biggest regret in life. It ate away, and affected every aspect of my life for many years, until everything completely fell apart.

It's not your fault, and you have nothing to feel ashamed about. Take very good care of yourself, and keep reaching out.

 

[Fighting back]

I would strongly advice you to tel, your husband. The pre thought / anxiety is always worse than the actual event. I think you also need to ask yourself, what and how your husband would feel that your sharing it with us and not him? Of course I'm not putting you off from being on here, I'm on here for the same reasons, but would he be upset that your sharing this situation with us and not him,
I really hope you manage to come to a decision on this and I'm very sorry that you are in this situation.
Sending hope and strength your way xxx