Neverthesame's Stupid Lessons Learned The Hard Way.

[Neverthesame]

Got a short one I just remembered out of the blue.

4. You are what you eat.

The first year I lived in Canada, my parents decided to get cable TV. As a bored 10 year old, this was of course awesome.

This was also the year that the discovery channel and TLC (which used to be called the learning channel. Before the scourge of scripted reality... grrr)

Anyways...

So I have always had a fascination with medicine. Hell, I later became an EMT. So even as a ten year old kid, the insides of people just doesn't bother me.

My favorite show on the former TLC, was called "The Operation". It was aptly named. It was actual surgical procedures performed uncut with the surgeon explaining as he/she worked. That was one of my favourite TV shows.

Now, these procedures were all elective if memory serves me. So nothing to do with trauma, or at least not recent trauma. So as opposed to an ER, everything was quite calm and clean.

Off the top of my head, I remember watching:

• Triple coronary artery bypass graft.
• Vasectomy
• Hip replacement
• Knee replacement
• Fallopian tube tie
• Hysterectomy
• Gastric lap band
• Brain surgery (can't remember what the specific procedure was for)
• Gall bladder removal
• Heart transplant
• Lung transplant
• Kidney transplant

So one evening I sat in front of the tele, with my dinner, flipped on this show and was enjoying the show. It was a cesarean section. Very interesting to see a baby born in such a way.

It was after the ob/gyn had opened the abdominal cavity, he began his incision into the uterus. Then I began to notice something, but I tried not to pay it any mind.

However, once the amniotic sack was ruptured and the abdominal cavity got a thorough rinsing out. I looked at my bowl of spaghetti and suddenly put 2 + 2 together.

Gee, this looks alot like.... :wideeyed::sick::hungover::depressed::yuck:

I learned a valuable lesson, never eat spaghetti whilst watching abdominal surgery.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I´ve fallen asleep in some bushes in Spain and woken up covered in ticks.

Those flat small ones that haven´t developed yet. Now there were a gazillion of those on the island and I had toughened anyway so I just plucked them all off with tweezers. If you have to live with those critters everyday you sort of get used to it. Still not very smart to lay down in the grass. :p

Most of those stories involving something dumb and then something painful happening were back then. Not sure whether it was because of the location or because of my age. Maybe both. @Neverthesame I have similar experiences with cacti and cactus pears haha.

I used to also be very chaotic and untidy and it so happens that I had tacks laying around on the floor (those small things used to put posters up and such). Yes. I also used to walk barefoot a lot. You can imagine what happened next.

 

[Neverthesame]

@Radise I fortunately have not had the dubious honour of being made a meal by a herd of ticks.

Though I am no stranger to the weird and wonderful world of mother nature's overabundant population of hideous bitey things.

One of the things I never expected when I began working with unusual produce items, was just how common it is for some foreign critter to find it's way across oceans and continents. Worse still, many actually survive the trip, despite the liberal amounts of pesticides, extreme cold and lack of oxygen sitting in a cargo hold at 40,000 feet for hours.

I have never been to South America, and you know what? I have absolutely no intention of ever going. I have no doubt that the weather is good, the people are nice, food probably tastes amazing and all that. But Good Lord! Have you seen the bugs they have there?!!? :nailbiting: EEEEEEK!!!!

You ever wonder why in South America, you don't find large animals like you would in Africa, despite the fact that the two hemispheres were once connected? The bugs ate them.

Once had a Brazilian wandering spider come in a bunch of bananas, thing was the size of a dinner plate, and it was still alive!

A few months later, I had some random red beetle, jump out of a box at me. I shook it off, but then it ran away. The scary part was, as I went to stomp on it, it ran away. It was faster than me!!!

I went and spoke with one of the other workers, a Colombian kid. I asked if he knew whether or not that bug was dangerous? He said "If it was red, than yes, probably."

Anyways... lol

I haven't stepped on a tack, though I once found a hob nail in my shin. I was nailing a loose bit of a shoe sole that was hanging loose. Got busy, forgot about it, kneeled over the chair to grab something. Was an hour or so later, I realized that I had nailed my trouser leg to myself. :facepalm: no idea why it took so long to notice. Haha.

 

[Changing4Best]

Speaking of a "herd of ticks" I have been bitten by deer ticks 4 times that we know of, maybe more, and I have had Lyme Disease since 1985 or so. It went undiagnosed for at least 5 years, and went into my heart. I had an infection in that heart and was in the Hospital on IV antibiotics for 2 weeks there. Since then they have found some antibiotics that work against it that are oral, so the IV is a thing of the past. I've taken the orals so many times I have lost count. Lymes reoccurs even when one has not had a bite, so I have had recently a bout of pleurisy with it, in which I had to take 28 days of high doses of antibiotics and I am still sick, but not in my lungs. Now it is in another area of my body that I am sick, but this time it is e coli! I am mostly over it, so I am no longer suffering. More and more antibiotics....

None the less, you cannot get me to into the grass any longer. I walk on sidewalks only, no more ticks for this kid! I just hope I do not have another relapse, because I have been sick for 2-3 months now, most of this winter. This is for the birds!

 

[Neverthesame]

@SheilaKathy Ooh, that's rough.

The worst infection I've ever had to deal with was bronchitis.

I also caught whooping cough when I was 18. That was unpleasant, though more annoying than anything.

Never anything as serious as Lyme disease, or E-coli for that matter. Hopefully your body is just trying to get everything out of the way now while the weather is cold, so you can take full advantage of the coming summer. ;)

 

[Heather]

You don't pay your bills...they shut things off, things get repossessed, evictions notices get handed out. Don't take care of maintenance on car, things begin to break. Which reminds me, due for an oil change.

I'm not the most responsible person but I'm getting better i.e. pay rent every month on time.

 

[Neverthesame]

5. Don't Stare At Your Feet, Or You May Find One In Your Mouth.

(Before I begin, I swear this actually happened, I'm not bullshitting.)

One of the skills I learned working in a retail environment is to always look someone in the eyes when speaking to them. This particular lesson I had to learn twice before I finally got it.

As a 15 year old trolly boy, I was still fairly shy and timid about talking to people. So I had a tendency to look down when I spoke to people. This store I worked at had a policy stating that I must ask the customers which type of bag they want their shopping packed. Plastic or paper (Yeah paper, remember those?).

After doing the same thing over and over, you can become a tad complacent. Now being near the end of my shift, I was tired, busy, I was just ready to go home. A customer walks up to the till, cashier starts ringing stuff through, while I begin bagging. I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to ask about their bag preference.

So while still looking down at what I was doing, I asked the customer " Oh, I'm sorry I forgot to ask you, did you want paper or plastic sir?

Suddenly the cashier gasps, the beeping of her till stops, she is jusr frozen with a horrified look on her face. I look up to see what was happening.
Then, then.... I saw it...

:eek:...:nailbiting:...:facepalm:...:bag: - "Oh. Shit."

"I'm so sorry ma'am!" Yup *sigh* It was a woman.

When this lady had walked up, I saw her clothes and shape, but not her face. This woman was wearing a flannel jacket, was quite tall, broad shoulders, narrow hips and was somewhat barrel chested. She looked like a man from over top of my glasses, she also hadn't said anything at this point. I am now profusely apologising to this woman who I was certain was about to break me into 7 pieces, one for each day of the week.

She shook her head, and said "Oh, don't worry about it, this isn't the first time this has happened." I then helped her to her car, still profusely apologising. She took it very well, but still ---:bag:

About a year later:

I was at a different job now, working as a gas jockey. Not sure if it was a step up or down from trolly boy. Not much fun either way. The station I worked at, was full service. Usually whoever I was working with would just sort of float around to each pump as the customers needed.

One of the fills was full so I walked over, hung the pump up and while looking at something else, told the customer the total. As I'm taking the money handed to me from the driver. I asked "Is there anything else you need today sir?"

"No, thank you." she replied. :facepalm:...:arghh;...:sorry:...:bag:

"Oh god, not again!" I said out loud to myself.

I look up to start profusely apologising to this woman. Then..... :eek:

It was the same woman. :bag:

I'm not kidding, it was the same woman. I misgendered the same woman twice. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open unable to speak. She starts laughing and said "Oh, it's you again. Can I get a receipt please?"

I went to the register, got her receipt then brought out one of every item we use to placate angry customers with when we screw up orders. She took it really well.... again.
What are the odds? :bag:

 

[ladee]

What are the odds @Neverthesame !!!! I have a deep voice for a woman. Some call it sultry others call it 'sir'.... so have also had that happen a lot . I am used to it... I always laugh, but others get so uncomfortable it makes me sad for them....I am trying to reassure them as they are assuring me they meant no harm.... it just gets funny most of the time.

 

[Neverthesame]

I debated whether I should post this one or not for some time now.

While I did learn a lesson here, I really wasn't the one who had it worse, not by a long shot.

A slight warning, this story contains a depiction of an injury to the male sexual anatomy. (Not horrible by any means, no permanent damage caused.)
This story also contains one of the rare times I have used an illigal recreational drug.

6. In the future, maybe you should consider personal lubricant.

This took place when I was about 19-20. I just started my EMT course. A good friend of mine from highschool was dating one of my supervisors from the gas jockey job I mentioned in the last story. They met through me, still a bit awkward but, what can you do?

At this time we all lived at home, so like all 19 year old kids, when someone's parents are out of the house for the night, mischief isn't far behind.

I was never a terrible kid, so the parties I threw on these occasions were just a few friends and some drinks, nothing crazy. This night should have been no exception. (Oh boy, I had no idea...)

Evening started out simple enough, just the three of us, some drinks, card game. There was one thing that was really annoying me though. The lovely couple I was entertaining were still very much in the early honeymoon stage of their relationship. And were going at each other like a pair of horny teenagers, which they were.

Being the third wheel was getting a bit awkward, so I thought, why not compromise?

So I pitched an offer. I said "why don't you two go borrow the guest bedroom, I'll f*ck off upstairs for a bit. Get me when you're done."

They agreed. I went upstairs pleased with my diplomacy skills. I was also a closet pot smoker at the time, so I was also pleased with my devious ability to secretly go for a joint. (This turned into a mixed blessing)

So, off they went and up I went. Rolled a joint, went outside, smoked it, came back in and was making horrid screeching noises (what I call guitar practice).

(Pretty boring so far huh? Wait for it....)

I go out to the kitchen to grab a cup of tea, when I see my friend K (the girl) charging up the stairs in just a shirt. This seemed a bit odd. The look on her face, told me something was wrong.

Of course being a bit stoned, I thought immediately that they must have broken the bed or something, nope...

She runs up to me and I notice something rather alarming, she had blood all over her thighs. Again, I thought maybe she was just surprised by her menstrual cycle. (I was naive, and high).

Nope.

She grabs me, starts pulling me down the stairs, I am trying to ask if she's ok?

She said "I'm fine, but G (boyfriend) is not. "This isn't my blood!" she exclaimed.

I walk through the basement which is finished, white walls, light grey carpets. I am staggered at the sight laid out before me.

There is blood splattered on the floor, walls and yes, even a bit on the ceiling. All leading to a puddle on the guest bed. Good lord, what a mess.

I would like to say that the first thing through my mind was, "Ok. Emergency scene management. Find the patient, assess condition" all that cool medic stuff.

Nope. All I could think was "I'm too stoned for this shit man."

Then it came back to me. I followed the blood trail back to the downstairs toilet. I banged on the door. "Hey G you ok?"
His answer was something like "The f*ck do you think?". Fair enough.

He wasn't letting me in, so I managed to get K to go in and tell me what she saw. She impressed the hell out of me with how she handled this. She was the kind of person who usually freaks out in a crisis. This time however, she was calm, observant, and followed my instructions. Had the bleed under control in no time.

Turned out what had happened, was he was not circumcised, I don't fully understand what he did, other than tear his foreskin. OOWW!!

That also explains the horrific blood splatter pattern all over the basement. I guess he took off running when he realised how bad he was bleeding. So it was sort of a semi flaccid red firehose thing, flopping around spraying blood all the way down the hall to the toilet. Poor guy.

So now that we had the medical crisis under control, it was time for cleanup.

You ever try to get copious amounts of blood out of a grey carpet? Not easy.

I did however discover that my mum, at some point, had made an amazing investment in a carpet shampoo attachment for the vacuum cleaner. OMG! That works so well. Couple hours later, done. You never know I had someone perform an accidental briss in the basement.

Parents none the wiser, or at least didn't mention it, ever.

Now lesson learnt for me.
Don't use your basement as a bordello.
Also invest in a carpet shampooing machine, totally worth it. Oh and pot also is quite useful for making something like shampooing blood out of a carpet, rather entertaining.

As for G. He was OK, didn't even need stitches. I still feel soo bad for him though.

K. Hell of an assistant.

 

[ladee]

Don't know if I'm not supposed to laugh out loud,but it never stopped me before... sorry for the guy but the telling of the story is priceless... thanks for the visuals and the laughter !!!!:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Sorry if stupid question but how did he tear it?

 

[Neverthesame]

@ladee Oh, you most certainly are allowed to laugh. I've never been able to tell this story without laughing. You try saying semi-flaccid floppy firehose with a straight face. :p

@Cj77 I had wondered this myself, so after he had seen a doctor, I asked K what had happened. She told me that apparently where the foreskin attaches to the glans on the underside, his was a attached a bit too far forwards. Not enough to cause him any problems with urination, cleanliness or intercourse (untill that night anyway).

She told me that because there were no pesky parents about to embarrass with sex noises, they had been more umm... Vigorous, than they had been previously. It was something that was bound to happen to him one day.

Lucky me...:grumpy: