MissSunshine
New Here
Hi there, I'm new here and am in great need of some advice. My husband is a combat veteran. We've been married almost 9 months. He told me about his PTSD early on in our relationship, but it didn't seem to affect him much. Things changed very soon after we got married, when he started intensive PTSD therapy. He was still in the Army then but instead of a regular workday, he went to day long group therapy sessions and such. Once his med board was processed and he got out of the Army in December, he wasn't able to attend the therapy and stopped. Things have been gradually getting worse now. It's like they brought up all of these things to the surface, and since he had to stop the therapy, he is just left alone trying to sort through all of this stuff brought up by the therapy.
He said he changed so much after starting therapy because previously he "ignored" all of those negative thoughts and emotions and buried them deep inside, so he wasn't really dealing with them. Once therapy started it brought all of that stuff he had hidden out of the darkness and now he is so full of anger. He went from being this lovey dovey, ambitious, "I won't let anything bring be down" mentality, to a cold angry man with a victim mentality. I mean, he was a victim of many different things ranging from a horrible childhood to war, but his outlook on things was always much more positive and he refused to be a victim and refused to let his past hold him back from a good life. Now he tells me he feels like giving up, and he seems depressed, among other things.
He gets triggered very easily, and once he is mad he yells and lashes out verbally. It often turns into emotional/verbal abuse. He says he gets so mad he literally sees red and he doesn't really care what comes out of his mouth. Then it is hard for him to calm down because his adrenaline stays up for hours or days after the fact, and he's triggered even more easily then. Everything is always my fault. He says he's unhappy because I've "changed" and I don't make him feel loved and appreciated anymore. But I am trying, and he doesn't think that I am.
There are many other things, but it is getting really hard on me. I was never a depressed person, I'm usually pretty optimistic and happy. But this is really bringing me down and honestly making me feel crazy at times. I've started having emotional breakdowns. I will be my normal, calm, positive, mature self, then another fight or something mean he says is like the straw that breaks my back and I snap. I have a bit of an anxiety attack and just shake and cry and sometimes think of suicide in those moments. It's scary because I see myself becoming this person I don't want to be, and in those moments I feel like I have no control over it. I know this is not good for me, and it's especially not good for my husband. I know the way I react to things are bad sometimes and that it can make a bad situation even worse. I know I need to get a grip on this. And I know that my husband is suffering infinitely more than I am, which makes me even more sad because I wish I could take his pain away. More than anything, I want him to be happy. I want us to be happy, and have a good life together. I know he is a good man and is trying to fight this.
Now that I am done venting, my main question is, how can I support him and be there for him, and do that without losing myself in the process? I want to be able to better understand what he is going through and why he does the things he does. I want to know how I can best support him and be there for him and stay strong. Are there some good books I can read? He is starting therapy by himself in a few weeks; would therapy for me be good as well? Divorce isn't an option in my book and I will do anything in my power to get through this together. Any advice is welcome!
Thank you. :)
He said he changed so much after starting therapy because previously he "ignored" all of those negative thoughts and emotions and buried them deep inside, so he wasn't really dealing with them. Once therapy started it brought all of that stuff he had hidden out of the darkness and now he is so full of anger. He went from being this lovey dovey, ambitious, "I won't let anything bring be down" mentality, to a cold angry man with a victim mentality. I mean, he was a victim of many different things ranging from a horrible childhood to war, but his outlook on things was always much more positive and he refused to be a victim and refused to let his past hold him back from a good life. Now he tells me he feels like giving up, and he seems depressed, among other things.
He gets triggered very easily, and once he is mad he yells and lashes out verbally. It often turns into emotional/verbal abuse. He says he gets so mad he literally sees red and he doesn't really care what comes out of his mouth. Then it is hard for him to calm down because his adrenaline stays up for hours or days after the fact, and he's triggered even more easily then. Everything is always my fault. He says he's unhappy because I've "changed" and I don't make him feel loved and appreciated anymore. But I am trying, and he doesn't think that I am.
There are many other things, but it is getting really hard on me. I was never a depressed person, I'm usually pretty optimistic and happy. But this is really bringing me down and honestly making me feel crazy at times. I've started having emotional breakdowns. I will be my normal, calm, positive, mature self, then another fight or something mean he says is like the straw that breaks my back and I snap. I have a bit of an anxiety attack and just shake and cry and sometimes think of suicide in those moments. It's scary because I see myself becoming this person I don't want to be, and in those moments I feel like I have no control over it. I know this is not good for me, and it's especially not good for my husband. I know the way I react to things are bad sometimes and that it can make a bad situation even worse. I know I need to get a grip on this. And I know that my husband is suffering infinitely more than I am, which makes me even more sad because I wish I could take his pain away. More than anything, I want him to be happy. I want us to be happy, and have a good life together. I know he is a good man and is trying to fight this.
Now that I am done venting, my main question is, how can I support him and be there for him, and do that without losing myself in the process? I want to be able to better understand what he is going through and why he does the things he does. I want to know how I can best support him and be there for him and stay strong. Are there some good books I can read? He is starting therapy by himself in a few weeks; would therapy for me be good as well? Divorce isn't an option in my book and I will do anything in my power to get through this together. Any advice is welcome!
Thank you. :)
