New colleague looks like abuser

[Ice_Fire]

As the title says; a new start at work resembles the pedophile who abused me just enough that I’m struggling with it and don’t know what to do?

I can spot the differences when I am talking to him directly. But when he passes by or is just in my peripheral vision; I’m really struggling with it. My internal alarm bells are ringing all day long.

It doesn’t help that he’s not a very nice guy either anyway. Which I’ve had verified by other colleagues because I didn’t trust my own judgement.

I know I’ve got to find a way to get over this and work with him?

 

[arfie]

empathy, ice. as a child prostitute, i formed more of these kinds of prejudices than i care to count. people who remind me of the janes, johns and industry supporters are plentiful. the ones who sprinkled plenty of sugar and spice were often the scariest. when i have no good alternative but to be around someone who reminds me, i treat it like exposure therapy, leaning as much as possible on my therapy support network while i sort and process the yaddahs of the blahs. i am happy to report that the vast majority have been innocent of the evils i survived as a child. in one case, it was her choice of perfume. another it was political stands, etc., etc. the ones i never was able to relax around i kept at a safe social distance. nobody elected me sheriff. i don't want the job.

no, you don't HAVE to find a way around this, nor do you have to work with him. there are always choices. steadying support while you find the right choice for you. for sure, i feel more emotionally stable every time i work through one of these ptsd conundrums, whichever option i choose.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I have no reasonable excuse not to work with him. And I probably will have to, quite regularly and closely. As in sat alone in a car with him for extended periods.

I’ll have to raise it with my T, which is irritating because I’ve plenty other stuff to be focusing on.

Did you find it got better over time? I’m hoping you did.

 

[Friday]

ONE: It’s okay to dislike people.

Because that’s a difficult byproduct of dealing with triggers and stressors… the impulse/learned behavior to STRETCH past the trigger/stressor to treat a person fairly, based on who they are, instead of someone from our past.

Key point : FAIRLY.

TWO : Which means sometimes? We’re going to have triggers/stressors around assholes/idiots/people we simply dislike. That our feelings of them are ALSO fair, in the present, not simply aftershocks of the past.

I consider it to be “the advanced class” of dealing with triggers & stressors. The subtleties & grey areas of overlap.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Yeah that’s the thing; I’m trying so hard to be ‘fair’. But I’ve had to pull him up for stuff and he is so arrogant/misogynistic and doesn’t like being told. So he doesn’t listen and then f*cks up. Everyone thinks he’s an asshole.

But I don’t know if I’m being unfairly negatively biased. I don’t know how much of it is he’s an asshole and how much of it is me projecting.

Whether I am or not; I still have to be around him.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hmm... maybe this is my nasty streak talking... If he's such an a*hole and making so many mistakes... Maybe *let* him make the mistakes and stop calling him out and correcting him... The sooner he gets fired and moves on to a more suitable line of work for him... The sooner you're rid of this trigger...?

 

[Friday]

Everyone thinks he’s an asshole.

But I don’t know if I’m being unfairly negatively biased. I don’t know how much of it is he’s an asshole and how much of it is me projecting.

You’re not the only one. That’s a relatively good barometer, in sorting out stressor vs reality. The perverse of looking for the good in someone “everyone” despises? Does dovetail. Try not to let it.

Just because he’s a stressor doesn’t mean he’s an amazing bloke.
Just because everyone hates him, doesn’t mean he’s being railroaded.
Assholes? Happen.

Reality checking. Has a lot of facets & shades of grey sometimes. Other times it’s easy/brutal. This is one of those, you’ve checked every which way, and he’s still… someone best not trusted. Nor relied upon. That’s fair. More than fair. Exceptionally KIND, to benefit of the doubt. Which? He’s lost. Painting the Saint on him? Probably unwise. In the extreme. So go with your gut, in the here & now.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Well he f*cked up something major over the weekend and the regional manager had to be informed. He’s on probation so hopefully that’ll be that?! Doubt it though knowing my place. I’ve had to work with him this morning. I put him in the limo rather than hearse driver because I just can’t deal with being trapped in a car with him.

He is an asshole. One that looks a lot like another one. Joy.