New Memories I Don't Trust Them

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

The other night I had this horrible body memories mostly in my lady parts. I came to the forum and was searching threads on how to deal with them. I felt really shameful and icky about it it was really upsetting.

So I can't remember exactly what I was reading only that it was about body memories. I started to remember somthing from my childhood I know I was molested by my brother but what I remembered means it was worse than I originally thought.

When I remembered it felt more like I remembered it before at a different time and I was re-remembering it. It felt very real at the time how the bathroom was decorated was what it would've been like at the time the body memories were very intense too. Makes sense that it would've happened in the bathroom as that was the only room with a lock on it.

Now after a time to cool off and settle my nerves down a bit I really don't know if the memory is true. I've been reading about false memory's but my T and I haven't been processing traumas. We mainly talk about day to day coping and recently I've cut contact with my brother so we talk about that because it's been very stressful for me. She knows I've been sexually abused and for context I said it was my brother but she knows I'm not ready to process so she hasn't asked any questions about it.

Also my memory isn't great.

My brother also spent a lot of time and energy gaslighting me and convincing me I'm crazy and that my memory can't be trusted. I've caught him doing it by asking other people who can corroborate my memory and not his. This has been one of the main reasons it's been necessary to cut him out of my life. But with this I can't confirm this memory. I really hope it's not true as well.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Of course you guys don't know if it's true. I've been feeling really horrible about it, ranging from disgusted with myself with my brother, angry, body memories are still happening and I want to take my body off and throw it in the bin.

Is it possible it's a false memory? Is it possible it's a real memory? I guess the answer to both of those is yes. But does it matter? It's not like I have any desire to report so how do I treat this memory?

 

[watundah]

Nowhere, I understand.
I have had writings going on the past few.months with inner child or parts or whatever that are.revealing all kinds of experiences which I honestly cannot remember. I do have some CSA memories but these are throwing me. Is it true? I'll never know. It still hurts and makes me sad and that I know is real. My T tells.me that she doesnt doubt that much of it is accurate but the goal is not to determine accuracy but to tend to the wounded parts of.our selves and heal the hurt. I know it's easy to say vs do, but it's true that it's best.to acknowledge "something" happened and go.from there vs getting wrapped up in details
Hope that helps
It may be coming to light, also, because part of you is ready to share with your T

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I'm speaking to my T in the next couple of days and I was thinking I'm going to have to tell her about this.

It just feels like the self compassion I want to give myself could be ill deserved if it's not true. I feel like I could be a liar, and I really don't want to feel that way. It just sucks so much.
Thank you for replying.

 

[Snowflake]

Hi @NoWhereKnowWhere . I too was sexually abused by my brother. (Others as well at other times) Anyhow about 2 months ago I developed a UTI. Doctor said it was minor and put me on antibiotic. I thought it was horrible. 2 weeks after I developed another, or so I thought, ....it wasn't a UTI. The feelings down there was unreal. Then again it happened a few weeks ago. The pain, throbbing, cramps, pressure-was unreal. Again doctor had no answer. During this time I was journaling about my family and doing some EMDR. I finally was brave enough to tell my therapist about my discomfort. She said it sounded like body memories. Once I talked things through with my therapist-the discomfort went away.

Hang in there-I totally understand.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

@Snowflake I do get pain down there but I've also been experiencing arousal/turned on sensation I've been feeling a lot of shame about it. I just feel so disgusting. :bag::oops:

 

[Snowflake]

@Snowflake I do get pain down there but I've also been experiencing arousal...

I understand-my description was brief because I am embarrassed about what I felt, things I didn't even share with my therapist.

:(

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

@Snowflake im so sorry you're dealing with this too. :( Thank you for sharing I don't feel as abnormal now.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

@NoWhereKnowWhere I struggled for a long time with the idea that some of my memories could be false. I finally asked my Pastor about it. He said, "It doesn't really matter. The treatment is the same - exposure until it doesn't cause so much distress, analysis to figure out how it did and still is impacting, and finding a way to reconcile it with what is true today." That helped me a lot, to know that whether the memory is true or not, the treatment response is the same. It took the pressure off me so I don't find myself constantly worrying about if it's true or not.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Had another new "memory" last night.
Feeling really disgusting right now.

I spoke to my T about the last one and she basically said similar things that you guys were saying. That it could be happening now because it's time to deal with these things. That how I feel about it is the most important thing she never said she believed it to be true or false and I think that's the best approach.

I'm not having a very good time of it. I've been having problems sleeping due to nightmares I think. I only seem to get to sleep when I'm absolutely exhausted and that can sometimes be 6am. I've been having suicidal thoughts after the last "memory" not like I'm actively suicidal more passive. Like I'd like to not exist and imagining ways to do it. It's just old bad coping mechinisms that always seem to rear there ugly head when things get really bad.

I've very vaguely explained to my SO what's going on for me I just feel so bad because he deserves someone half normal he's such a good guy. I want better for him I wish I could contribute and work again have some purpose. Someday soon hopefully. I don't speak to T this week she's away. :confused:

Still struggling with body memories the pain I can deal with it's the other thing that's horrendous to deal with. I'm feeling so much guilt and disgust about this.

This is shitty, really f*cking shitty.

 

[NightSky]

I could've written this. I have spent the last 18 years shutting myself up and not allowing myself to extend any self-compassion because I don't know if my memories are true. If they're not true, I don't believe I have the "right" to feel the pain I do, emotionally speaking. (Yet I wouldn't believe that about someone else.) I understand it's not completely necessary for healing to know whether details are true. My logical side gets that. But when we are talking about our LIVES it would be nice to actually know. Because there's a big difference between the images and body memories being valid or not being valid. I'm so stuck there and always have been since the flashbacks started. I also experience the body memories that I imagine are like a UTI. They come and go, and disappear when the images aren't as intrusive. My T tells me the body doesn't lie. And I do believe it's true that you can't imagine shooting pain. She continually refers me to The Body Keeps the Score (an extremely validating book. If you haven't read it I highly recommend it.)
I wish I had answers. But you're not alone. I'm finally getting to the point where I see that shutting myself up and hating myself has gotten me nowhere. So for a while at least, I need to act as if it's all true so that I can heal. I would never be able to do that without constant reassurance from my T.

 

[Freedomfighter]

The other night I had this horrible body memories mostly in my lady parts. I came to the forum...

It is very easy for a PTSD sufferer to mistrust his or her own memories. However I do not always categorize them as memories. A lot of times when I remember abuse situations I actually figure out what really happened by going over those times again. So, no, I certainly do not ever mistrust new memories, because I believe that the old memories during times when I was very ill with PTSD at first simply were false memories, only to be replaced by new memories that were created because my mind finally healed a little and I can finally make sense of what really happened.

I discovered that after my mind had time to learn a little I finally figured out that my new memories were more accurate, that the new memories allowed me to see the predators that in my old memories were good people.

 

[watundah]

So for a while at least, I need to act as if it's all true so that I can heal.

I agree with this. My therapist suggested a "what if" approach and I believe you have to draw a line, accept it as truth, and move on in order to do the work.