General New Parents, Ptsd Husband Yells At Our Baby

[MarriedtoArmyPTSD]

My husband and I have only known each other a little over a year and have been married since September 2014. He's been in the army for just over 16 years now and we just had our first baby, a boy. Like many, my husband suffers from PTSD. Only recently did he open up about why our son's crying affects him so badly. He explained, in brief, that one of his experiences on one of his tours involved crying/screaming infants. Needless to say, I knew exactly what he meant and naturally, it concerned me. I trust him with our son, but when the little guy starts crying, my husband gets aggravated very quickly, to the point of yelling "ah!" in our son's face if he's holding him.

It seriously scares me the way he gets so angry when our baby cries, so I only trust him with our son when the little guy is calm and content. I know PTSD isn't something he can just get over and deal with, but I do feel like he can put in more of an effort to try differentiating our son's crying from his traumatic experience. He also just gives up on even holding him most times because he believes our son hates him and that's why he cries.

I've expressed to him that he cries with me too, and that he's just a baby, it's what babies do. I just don't know what else to do... I'm feeling helpless. I don't want to make him feel like he's a bad parent when he is already feeling like that, nor do I want him to distance himself so much that our son grows up to resent him or display the same signs of PTSD. Any advice??

 

[Neverthesame]

I am very sorry you are having to deal with a situation such as this. Please don't take what I am going to say as judgemental or condescending, you have enough on your plate without having a guilt trip laid on you.

While it is no surprise that being witness to horrible things happening to children will cause psychological damage. I know that from experience. I have no doubt that he is also a nice man. However, his behaviour when your baby cries is a bit worrying though.

As I can see from your post that you know that yelling at a baby is an abusive behaviour. One which will most likely not go away on it's own. You are quite correct when you say that he needs to work harder on this. While PTSD is not curable, it is also not an excuse for what he's doing.

My advice to you would be to sit down with him, and tell him how much what he is doing is frightening you. Tell him you do not feel safe having him around the baby when he is triggered. That you feel he needs to seek help about this. You may also want to consider finding somewhere you and the baby can go for a little while, untill he begins showing improvement and maintains the improvement. If nothing else he needs to find a better way to vent his anxiety/anger. For example he could go out for a little while, just get out of earshot of the baby crying. If the anxiety too much to bear going out into public, he could maybe get an ipod or something as well as a set of earbud headphones or noise cancelling ones. He can't be triggered by crying he can't hear.

I hope you find some of this helpful.

 

[Recovery4Me]

:hug:http://www.ptsd.va.gov/
You may already know of the site, but it is worth placing here.

Darling, he needs to get help...fast with a trauma therapist that can work also in marriage therapy in order to set up healthy boundaries for him (to keep him from flash backs and possible sequential DV concern), for all concerned.

It only makes sense to be preventive. No amount of minimization of his part will undo the damage to the child, himself or you if this continues. I lived on a base, am a x-service wife and this is not a shame based issue but unfortunately a closely guarded and hidden common secret.

If more were opened about it, then perhaps many families might be mentored by the elders or older set. Perhaps there are groups for the family now (as for me it was a long time ago). For instance this board would have been a dream come true back then!!! ;)

If he does not elect to go, then you go to start the ball rolling and put in place what needs to be done for safety and a happy family. Honestly, I have seen this situation go from drama to smiles in a short time with cooperation from both parties, T and sometimes additional meds. :hug:

 

[Kintsugi]

I just wanted to respond to sort of piggyback off what others have said. You are right to be concerned, he could do more, and this is something he needs to seek help for.

While he looks for a therapist/psychiatrist, maybe he could consider learning about grounding techniques (which remind him he is in the present with his beautiful son, not out in the field) and getting some noise-canceling headphones/earmuffs for the house.

Until he gets help, while it may not be a fair distribution of parenting, it sounds like when the baby's crying gets to him, he needs to have the presence of mind to get himself out of the house/engage in something different to take his mind off of it.

I can only imagine that he is really struggling with this, too, as you state he already sees himself as a bad parent. Hopefully he can come to realize that no parent is perfect and that he just needs to commit to working on himself to ensure his son has the best experience possible as he grows. Certainly, there is no shame in working hard to make improvements. If he likes to exercise, perhaps you can frame it thusly: he needs to commit to working on his inner demons by getting a trainer (therapist) to help him become stronger in this area. There is no magical, instant way for him to overcome his symptoms, but if he is willing to put in the work, just like exercise, he will see improvements as he begins to heal, which is a win for everyone in the family.

 

[shimmerz]

but I do feel like he can put in more of an effort to try differentiating our son's crying from his traumatic experience. He also just gives up on even holding him most times because he believes our son hates him and that's why he cries.

I have had this trigger and know how severe it can be. That being said, I was responsible at all times for my behaviour. I wanted to be around my grandchildren so I 'giddy-upped' the therapy so I could deal. I think it is important for you to come to be able to articulate what kind of effort you want him to put in. Do you want him to acknowledge the problem? Do you want him in therapy? Do you want him to 'want' to hold your son instead of giving up?

It is counter productive imho to speak to him about this when he is triggered - and suggest that you catch him (with a pre-determined list of your expectations which should be highlighting your son's well being first and foremost) when he and you are both calm.

 

[MarriedtoArmyPTSD]

Thank you all for the suggestions and advice this far! Therapy or some form of counseling either for him or for the both of us is something im considering. However, I didn't just learn yesterday that his PCM prescribed him some antidepressants and a sleep aid to help calm his anxiety a bit, so I plan to first see how the meds help, if at all. Thankfully he had opened up about his crying trigger to his PCM and his VA Mental Health doc (he's currently going through the med board process), and without my telling him to do so, so that's reassuring that he realizes on his own that it is an issue that he needs help with. One thing we do anytime he starts feeling that anxiety/anger is if he happens to be holding our son, he will pass him off to me and leave the room for a bit to chill out. Unfortunately the working out idea only works for a short period as he can't really do much exercise due to all his injuries for which he's being put out of the Army. It's all a work in progress, and again, he does realize the issue at hand. But some days are just particularly bad, and those are the days when I get really concerned for him and our baby. If the meds don't seem to do much, I will be having a sit down discussion with him to be sure we're on the same page and see what he'd be open to try.

 

[MomOfTwo]

Maybe he should be wearing noise cancelling headphones and listen to music while he interacts with the baby. That way he could drown out the crying sound. I would just worry that long term the baby is going to pickup on your husbands fear and develop some attachment issues as well later on in life.

 

[Sweetpea76]

His PCM and the VA are going to be quick to throw meds at him and slow to get him any kind of decent therapy. My vet had the most luck with a impatient program ran by a vet, for combat vets, but not run by the VA. He may have to look into something like that. Don't be afraid to look outside the military and VA.

 

[lexana]

He needs to get therapy immediately. You clearly understand why he has the trigger, and that's awesome that your are so understanding and proactive, so all I want to do is make sure you also understand how urgent the issue is.

The situation is harmful to your husband until he gets treatment, on top of the fact that baby misses out when your husband is triggered. Plus your husband being triggered over time can make his PTSD worse if he is not getting therapy, so that could be bad for your whole family, and even friends.

I am female, and have PTSD from child abuse. Although I am now an adult approaching 30, I doubt I will ever want to have a baby for the exact reason you are discussing --- babies' cries are one of my absolute worst PTSD triggers. I have been in therapy for almost a year, and maybe one day after much more therapy I might change my mind. But for now, I can tell you that every single day I think about the fact that there is no way I would be able to care for a child, because it's hard enough to even care for myself with PTSD, and there is no space in my brain for crying babies, sleepless nights due to crying babies, and round-the-clock care. I will try to explain to you what it's like for me, in case it may help you understand the urgency of your husband's situation.

Hearing babies cry/scream for me is like nails on chalkboard scratching my brain, ripping my organs apart, being burned alive. The trigger can become so intense if the screaming goes on for more than a short time frame... it's a level of fear and rage (and probably everything else "negative") all at once, it is beyond words. It is like experiencing a horror movie of only the most gruesome kind, and being so angry about it that, at moments, you too are ready to inflict horror on others. It triggers something so deep, it's like you can feel your life is the edge of ending, so you just want everything to stop, now. And I mean everything. I also get angry when a dog barks for more than a short time period if the bark is loud. I also can't handle any loud noise in "home" -- meaning I can handle a loud announcement at a big airport terminal, but someone listening to a television too loudly inside a middle class house makes me want to rip walls down. This is all very damaging to the PTSD brain -- which is already very damaged. So, quite literally, every day that your husband is so triggered by these noises and does not get professional help, his PTSD is very likely to get worse. The intensity of the triggers can drive anyone into a rage, and when it builds up like that, violence and/or self harm become inevitable. Like many people, I tend to keep this to myself and try not to burden anyone else with the details of how angry these triggers make me, but thats my point --- your husband may try to keep it to himself to a degree, and although he is open with you, he may not even realize if he is on the edge of a really bad outburst/escalation of aggression. As you probably assume, men are much more likely to turn to aggression in order to release such intense emotion. You don't want him to have an escalation of symptoms, and take it from me --- it can happen in no time at all. There are crisis centers for immediate PTSD evaluations and professionals who will assess the situation and align a whole team of people to help him and your family move through this situation. You and your husband both sound like good people, and I know you both love your child, but with untreated* PTSD your husband will have to limit certain interactions with the baby, because your husband is essentially fighting for his own life, scrambling to cope with the intensity of trigger. The great thing is that with treatment, your husband can get to a point where he is barely triggered at all, he may even be able to completely* overcome the trigger.

 

[holdenmonty]

I would say see if one of his buddies might be able to ask him how things are going with the baby and if his buddy has a kid he can explain to him how all babies tend to cry more when their dad is holding them then the mom. I have two boys and both wanted mom more then me about 90% of the time until they were over the age of one then they started to like me a little bit better and my oldest is three and just now has started to want me more then his mom.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think @lexana hit the nail on the head........I should quote what she said into that screaming kid in public thread as it backs up what I was trying to say in regards to children's screams being the worst of the worst triggers for me, and it not getting any better over time. Actually, it just gets worse even though I'm well on my way toward healing.....go figure.

I agree with the noise cancelling headphones. I have a lot of headphones that I wear to block out noise. I'm taking a long flight next month and my carry on will have ear plugs, 2 pairs of headphones, and over ear noise protection muffs. I can't risk being triggered by a screaming baby on a plane.

 

[Neverthesame]

I don't want to go too off topic on this, or come off as insensitive but. I really don't see how @Lexana painting us all as violent time bombs is really appropriate, or helpful. The sound of a baby crying cuts through me like a knife. Immediately takes me back to a place I don't want to be. It's truly horrible. That being said I have great sympathy for her and everyone else who has suffered from child abuse. As someone who has Ptsd as well as anger problems, outside of the schoolyard as a kid I have never committed a violent act on another person, nor can I ever imagine doing so. Not now, not ever.

Back on topic. @MarriedtoArmyPTSD I am glad to hear that your husband is open to getting help. Medication is a good start to be sure. Therapy is also extremely helpful, but for it to be effective, your husband has to be ready to go into it. What you may want to do in the meantime while he makes up his mind on what to do. You could look into the different types of therapy available for treating PTSD. There are lots of good resources available on this site for both of you to learn from. There is also a sister site run by @anthony specifically for veterans. Your husband may wish to make an account there. It may be helpful to be able to talk with people who have better understanding of what he's been through.