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New Relationship stuff

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Hi Everyone,

So there's been a new factor in my marriage. I always forget where I left off last, so I apologize if I'm repeating myself. My wife now identifies as pansexual, demisexual (a varient of asexuality where the person in question can only be sexually attracted to people they feel a deep connection) and also now considers us polyamorous with a woman she's formed a connection with who lives in Australia. I'm all for learning more about one's self, and exploring new aspects of one's sexuality in general. (on a side note I now identify as gender non-binary, they/them/their pronouns and all. I'll answer to Abby or Jeff equally). My wife is now constantly on facetime with this woman, even when they're both at work, or both asleep, and can't talk, they'll have each other on mute. I talk to her here and there, and she seems nice. I've been given the ok (at least tentatively) to form relationships with other people as well. Part of me feels like I should be jealous, or have more pause about this, but the truth is I'm just relieved that she seems to be happier, and is being a lot less harsh/emotionally abusive toward me since this woman came into her life. She's coming to visit in January for a couple weeks. Aside from the relief I really don't know how to feel about this. Part of me is worried that she is getting fixated on this woman the way she got fixated on me when we were first dating, and that things are going to go south somehow. At the same time, she's finally in individual therapy, and has been going for a number of weeks, and says she likes her therapist, and it's helpful.

This is what's going on. I really don't know what else to say about it at the moment, or the extent of how I really feel about it. I could just say I'm not ok with this, and I'd have a socially acceptable "out" of the relationship, but that wouldn't be the truth.

Anybody feel free to weigh in on this, or not. I'd love to hear peoples thoughts though.

Jeff/Abby
 
This was the stage in my abusive marriage where I drew the line.

My abusive wife met another guy and started to claim that she was naturally polyamorous. After everything that had happened, that was the last straw for me and then a lot of shit happened that ended with the ending of our relationship. It took me years to realize that I had actually escaped - until then I felt horrible.

I hope you can use this opportunity to finally free yourself.
 
You know, I always liked the idea of polyamory. I remember this book called the "Ethical Slut" and there was a comment that if there is any problem in a relationship poly is sure to bring it to the surface in a big bad way. And so it does...

I have found adventures into poly are a cover for cheat and/or explore for a future partner then cheat/leave. It may not start that way but someone usually seems to be leaning that way sooner or later. Poly sure doesn't mean folks can't be "cheating" so to speak.

The only poly I have seen work were those already in the community and then creating semi stable partnerships but even they tend to be shorter term. I deeply regret one of my own as I was in a committed partnership and what was a minor issue was exacerbated into a huge problem. And poly served as a way to avoid and it exacerbated past the point of return. My former partner is of the same opinion, had we not gone down that road we would probably still be together. Deep regret for both of us.

My experience is my own but poly is a fix for nothing, believe me. If an easier way to move on so be it but I think it prolongs the pain.

My experience was very sad but again, just my limited experience. I still like the idea but not sure if it can really work in my/our? culture.
 
I hope you can use this opportunity to finally free yourself.
Absolutely! And the wife would say yes and agree to divorce.

Anybody feel free to weigh in on this, or not. I'd love to hear peoples thoughts though.
Take your son and move. I don't have a problem with same-sex relationships but where do you stand? Take a stand, is what is important to teach your son. With 3 people in relationships, going on in one house, is not an ideal situation for your child.
 
I’ve never seen it work when it hasn’t been a part of the relationship from the very beginning... because it entirely changes the dynamics of a relationship to add more people to it.

That’s the attraction for a lot of people in broken marriages to try open, semi-open, & polyamourous relationships, for the same reason a lot of people in broken relationships have another baby, or have an affair.

The problem with trying to shove another human being into the hole created by 2 other human beings? People rarely like to be put in boxes, and they’re almost never the shape of the missing piece. So -at best- all it ends up doing is creating a bigger break, and at worst people end up taking sides, and the whole thing shatters. Badly.

I am absolutely positive there are exceptions to that. It’s simply what I’ve seen happen when being open, semi-open, or poly isn’t the foundation, nor the convention, but something added on later against local culture/convention. The kind of people who are dynamic enough to make these relationships work? Are very rarely married to each other monogamously in the first place. I HAVE seen tigers change their stripes; just never both at the same time.
 
Oh, In general I have absolutely no problem with same sex relationships, or anything LGBT related. Most of my closer friends are LGBT in some way, and some family members too. Just, a lot of things about the beginning of her relationship with this woman seem kind of familiar. Like wanting to be in constant communication, and trying to lock in relationship terms, so there's nothing ambiguous about the relationship. Whether she's currently treating me like crap or not, its still doesn't seem like much of a marriage. She says a lot of the same things like she doesn't feel close to me, but now she's saying she wants to work on it with her therapist and all. She keeps trying to push conversations with the woman she's infatuated with onto me and her. Nice as this woman seems, I definitely don't feel that way about her. I'm still relieved to have her in our lives just because my wife is being much nicer and understanding with me at the moment. If patterns persist she'll start to see real or imagined faults with this woman eventually, and she will become all good or all bad depending on the day. I'm really just kind of free associating at this point, I'm really kind of tired. Thanks everyone for listening and responding.

Jeff/Abby
 
I've thought she might have bpd, but she's only started seeing a therapist now. She's avoided all clinicians including doctor's (with the exception of prenatal care, child birth, and kidney stones) until just recently. She only really started seeing the therapist cause this woman kept telling her to. In answer to your question, I think the only psych diagnosis she has is post partum depression, maybe something with anxiety.
 
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