Sufferer New to these forums, struggling with negative self talk / self judgements

[mumstheword]

Mine are mostly young adults now. I have a 27 year old son, a 25 year old son who is autistic (medium-functioning) and has a psychotic illness, a nearly 24 year old daughter, she has just, recently, started to treat me with kindness and respect after a 10 year stint of not, a 22 year old son, who although not really talking to me, has started to soften and forgive me for leaving his father and him by virtue of being so ill and homeless I couldn't get them all out, a 19 year old son, who I've been having lunch with only this past six months after an extended estrangement (their father was very active in this) a 16 year old daughter, who until recently, we have been close, with no estrangement, her father got her hooked on a pot and tobacco habit and now we are moving further apart, and a 12 year old son, who is still with me and doesn't want to join the rest of them in drugs and separation from me. He does say to me though, "mum, I'd be a sociopath if it wasn't for you." He struggles with feeling any sense of empathy, has violent fantasies but also has morals and "doesn't want to be a dick" (his words). I think this could be related to the genes inherited by his Dad and early trauma of witnessing me being abused and when left him with his Dad due to being too ill and/or homeless after I left.
I left when my oldest was 20 and my youngest was 4.5.
I have a lot of challenges in parenting but I also believe I'm a good mum, although I've struggled with this wretched condition my whole life. Like you I was determined to be kind and loving, and honest with my children as I grew up without that from my mother and didn't want them to suffer and become ill like I did.

 

[mumstheword]

I am the same way, in that I am much less than confident in pretty much every situation... I don't...

Thank you! I didn't even thank you for saying that about me! I'm sure you will come to discover and develop much inner strength too. I already know you too are stronger than you give yourself credit for, because you are a good and kind mother and that takes loads of inner strength, especially when.struggling with these kinds of brain injury/stress disorder type illnesses.

If you were less strong and honest you might have developed a personality disorder instead, so it's a testament to your integrity and strength of character that you parent your child with love and due diligence.

 

[Freida]

Hi and welcome!

I am a horrible person, and everyone who sees me seems to just be able to tell.

nope. and guess how I know.....??

I want to be better. I want to start being normal.

Because of this. Horrible people don't give a crapola about being better. They enjoy being horrible.

I am so happy that everyone is being so nice to me but it is super overwhelming!

Yea - they freaked me out at first too. Ok - who am I kidding - they still freak me out. But you will get used to it.....:)

 

[New]

Haha, you guys are going to think this is funny... or pathetic, maybe... I am so happy that everyo...

I felt the same way and cried too. Welcome. You have come to the right place.
You are not pathetic but strong and fighting hard.
You will see many people on here feel as you do. We will not judge you but accept you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and welcome Joey. I can relate to your fears so much it is part and parcel of PTSD and trauma. It sounds like you have had a very rough time of it for a very long time.

I was in therapy while being a stay at home mom and understand some of your struggles there. I am so glad that you found this place. As you get to know people you will find us very human with so many daily struggles of our own.

I think you are normal for what you have experienced and you will find that you fit in here very well. I am so glad to get to know you and do hope that that you will take the risk to get back and try therapy again and keep on trying until you find a good therapist that you can learn to trust.

I have experienced a very rough year and kept on putting off therapy until I finally went and am now sorry I did not go sooner. Sending healing hugs.

I am sorry that you had such a bad therapist and lost all of your things. I would be crying and falling apart too.

 

[Butterflies2023]

I recall checking the stove and furnace temperature and lights so many times before leaving my home. Or after parking my car - frequently checking the locks of the door before going into the store. etc...

Things that totally got rid of reoccurring flashbacks and nightmares and hypervigilance was:
1. seeing a therapist 1-2 times a week and telling my story of abuses over and over and over again. I had to share it until my mind could process and understand that humans do nasty things without the abusers taking notice because they were mistreated and never got help

2. EXERCISE - you got to find something you love doing. Anything and do it every day. For me it wasn’t walking my neighborhood but finding natural trails and hiking every day

3. You know when you start thinking negatively - for a while I wore a rubberband on my wrist and snapped it when I felt negative feelings come - it was a distraction. Force yourself to change the talk in your head - STOP - I AM JUST NOT GOING THERE TODAY and just look at your immediate surroundings and begin to wonder about other things - even if you are in a doctor office waiting to be seen - count tiles on the ceiling or read a magazine or do some side bends while waiting.

Honestly it is a conscience effort but the more you practice it the more it becomes automatic

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe start by not hating yourself so much?

Hugs.

 

[katz]

hello. I am new to these forums. I am 30, female, and have been suffering for about 14 years now....

Hi, Joey. Welcome to the forum.

I recall checking the stove and furnace temperature and lights so many times before leaving my...

SherlocktoWatson,
I know that this is out of place. But, I have to compliment you on your forum name! I'm a collector of Sherlock Holmes (everything!), so it really made me smile to see your name in the forum. Thanks for the happy moment.