Relationship New To This... Need Help

[Mckinzie13]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this and I need any advice you can give me. I started seeing my boyfriend 9 months ago. I knew about his ptsd and have seen many things that clearly stem from that but recently things have gotten bad.

Back story, he is a combat veteran who came home in 09. Medically retired. He has almost evey symptom in the book but up till now the most I've seen is his moodiness, not being able to sleep, nightmares, the basics.

Recently he has been taken off his meds because he got a DUI back in May so he has to finish his alcohol classes before the VA will give them back to him. We are looking at him finishing by the new year. It's been 2 weeks without meds and things keep getting worse. At this point he has slept maybe a total of 10 hours this week, his patience is paper thin, he's isolating from me and our kids ( his daughter and my kids) and he's reacting irrationally. He's also known to take off for extended periods of time but has not done that since I've been with him accept to go missing for a few hours. Then after all that he acts as if nothing has happened and is back to normal until it starts again.

I realize that with the stress of his DUI and losing his meds, that this is not entirely about me but it's hard not to take things personally.

This morning he completely misunderstood something I said and flew off the handle. He's not violent with me but he snaps at me and then ignores me for hours. Then he made plans to play football tomorrow during the time that we are supposed to be with family for thanksgiving. I haven't spoken to him since he snapped at me this morning and I don't intend to press the issue.

My questions are what do I do to help this? Is there a way to respond to him when he does snap at me that is best. Why do I do when he loses it about something else? Do I just listen or is he looking for more? Help me please. I love him and I want to be there for him but it is starting to feel like he's intentionally pushing me away and doesn't trust me and that's scary. Thank you!

 

[Sighs]

Take deep breaths and try really hard to focus on the fact that he is simply venting. It can be really difficult when the anger and frustration is aimed squarely at you - despite the fact that the reason for it has nothing to do with you. If my vet is actually yelling and swearing I say nothing in response because arguing will only make it worse. If he is making snide remarks and being nasty I will say something like "I understand you are upset about x but I did not cause x so I don't understand why you are being so nasty to me." Sometimes that makes him stop and think. Othertimes I just have to wait til the storm blows over.

One thing I have learnt is to give him as much space as he needs. If he is taking 'time out' outside or in his study I wait for him to seek me out. Given enough time he will call out and ask me to join him. Offering to join him just results in being told to bugger off.

 

[Mckinzie13]

Thank you. I'm doing my best to learn what he needs and doesn't need. So far the hardest thing is his detachment. Sometimes it's like he's here but he's not. I appreciate the advice.

 

[Sighs]

At the risk of sounding like I have some form of Stockholm Syndrome - if he is detached then he is not venting his anger. Try to see the silence as calm rather than icy. Hugs!

 

[Mckinzie13]

Lol no I understand.