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Supporter Newbie With A Story....and Your Help.

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JClarke

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Hi all,

All of you may have noticed that I am pretty much a brand new member of this forum, so I’m JClarke which represents who I am. I am deaf and that’s the uniqueness of me. I am from Australia, in fact.

The reason I came across this forum, is because the story below will explain it all, and I am expressing my concern for the sake of my current wife, who is deaf too and I would love to get as much help and resource to save this.

Me and my wife, are currently separated, and it has been since early August, and my wife (not yet divorced) are involved in a new relationship with a new guy, who is hearing but that is another story.

The story behind this separation – we both got married last October, and we split on the 4th of August 2013, which has been a huge blow for me, because we both, as a couple have been wonderful. However, for the last 6 weeks so we both have gone through very rough time, especially for myself. We both have been very sad lately – we both are going through counselling sessions with a particular psychologist/counsellor from interstate who knows sign language. We both communicate entirely in sign language.

I just want to let you all know, I love my wife very much, my wife knows this but however, I have learnt something big which I have suspected it for a little while but I didn’t know how to express or tell to my wife what I have suspected and how she would react to this… with her first counselling session over the last weekend, she has realised what she have….and she told me last night when I visited her for coffee and dinner. She said that she have a bad case of PTSD and she showed me the symptoms and I read with her, and everything made sense to me, because I know her history with her family (and this affected our marriage) but know this, I am fighting to save our marriage, because I love her, and I love my wife for who she is, and she needs to remember that, and I do not want to throw out the marriage we have, at all. This PTSD is making her avoid trying to work this out, and I am hoping for the best that the counsellor will help the both of us, realise and I have and still am been there for her, whenever she needs it.

With this PTSD, this case has been affected her early age and has been for the last 16 years – my wife is 24 years old, I am 26. We both have been in the relationship for more than 2 years, and I have no intention to throw it out, because of this – I thought that she was cheating on me, but this PTSD discovery has made me realise what has affected us – and I want to save this, and show her that I am here for her and will always be on her side, for whatever reason.

How can I get this through together and make her realise, she can see me being the biggest supporter? I am the only person in her life right now; who knows about the certain truth….not even her ‘boyfriend’ that she is involved with. A lot of things in our relationship has triggered the PTSD of her own, and it was so hard for me to understand but I have been reading a lot about PTSD since I learned the specifics of it last night, and I now, realise and the other thing, I cannot afford to lose her and her family – who I am very fond of and especially the marriage that I am committed in.

There is also one thing – I am trying to understand, since we are currently separated, every time I visit her, at my house (which she lives there now) whenever I head home to my parents (temporary) she told me last night, that happens to her EVERY time I leave, she breaks down and cry. Does this show the love she have to me, or the PTSD?

Help?
 
She has to go and get some treatment for her PTSD. You can't help her if she won't help herself first. She has to want to be in the marriage too, you can't save it all by yourself.

There is a great supporter section on this forum with lots of good information. Plus there are others in your shoes who can answers questions and give support.

Welcome to the forum.
 
Welcome to the forum. It sounds like she is having a very rough time. I know sometimes I will cry when something is over because it was emotionally intense. Not necessarily a good or bad thing, but a release.

So she worked out with her counselor that she has PTSD just this last weekend, so that is very new. As Sweetpea said there is a great supporter section here. It sounds like you are doing all you can to learn about what she is dealing with. I can understand so badly wanting to save your marriage. What does she want? Best wishes.
 
I am new to the forum, also, JClarke. In fact, this is my very first response.

Long term relationships have been one of the greater challenges of my own PTSD recovery. Fear of entrapment is one of my greater phobias. It is all my husband's fault that I have been married for 33 years. I have offered him a divorce for every one of those anniversaries and the masochist keeps refusing. He gives me enough room for healing and I keep coming home when I have healed another layer of my PTSD onion.

I am currently not living with my husband, but he remains the stabilizing force of my life. Healing all the residuals of my past is not a predictable project. My future is even harder to predict than most. I need lots of room to follow my healing instincts. I am eternally grateful to my husband for giving me that room.
 
Arfie - are you still married to your husband? Just wanted to clear it up from what I am reading here.... living seperately but still married?
 
Hi JClarke,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

You have received a lot of good advice from the other members. Your wife does need to get healthy before she can really have a healthy relationship. It is also important that you take care of yourself.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie
 
Yes, JClarke, my husband and I are still married. If he decides to take me up on that divorce offer, I give it blame free. My cPTSD has some divorce-worthy side effects. Some days I believe my husband understands that I am not enduring these symptoms for his inconvenience. Other days...

Instead of divorce, we have decided to let our family be bigger than an address. So far, anyway. We take it or leave it a day at a time. The same set of folks call us Mom and Pop. We are hoping to attend the same weddings and births.

Healing the layers of my amnesia, etc., is an inside job. Nobody can do it for me. The space to heal is possibly the greatest gift my husband has given me. Possibly. The steadying presence of his open hand is a great gift, also.
 
Arfie, your post inspires me, and with the 'divorce' I dont really want to see that happen at all, but it is rather difficult, and my wife is saying that she is leaning on the 'D' but I can see with her behaviour which has to do with the PTSD symptoms and I am learning not to be angry with her anymore, because it affects her big time, and now, I am showing her how calm I am and being reasonable with her whenever she feels angry or upset. I'd just like her to understand that I am here for her, all the way, regardless.

Since I have been reading a lot here on the myPTSD forum, it just makes me cry just because after learning about my wife's condition and the status of our marriage - separation, after reading these resources here, it makes me realize I want to be there for her and support through the rough time, where she knows I will be here, for her and for us.

It is difficult at this stage due to the marriage status we are in, I have read one section that the separation is a bad idea due to the PTSD, however, she asked for the split before she learnt about the condition just last weekend and like, presentjoy, it is all very new to her, the marriage is an huge commitment and the issue right now, my wife doesn't want to talk about 'us' because it causes her to break down and very upset when she sees me, like I said in earlier post - she breaks down and cries when I leave.

I have the gut feeling that the separation is going to be short-lived and we can go through this together, and so on. She needs someone that she can trust and be aware of her condition and that's me, I just want to restore my husbandary title and be on her side, through rough times.

I just have a gut feeling that she needs me when she does but she doesn't know that the PTSD is interfering it, which I am starting to notice. For example - one of the relation of the PTSD is 'Avoiding and numbing' and I asked if she still loves me, (which I can see through her eyes, she does) but her response was "i feel numb" which makes me suspect it has to do with the PTSD she is suffering at this stage - I am just trying to learn to understand the status of us despite her being 'involved' with another guy, which I feel is a 'rebound' but I am starting to understand that, this guy is now irrelevant and this guy doesn't know the full story. My wife only shared with me, and everyday, I worry about her despite we are apart at the moment.
 
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Yes, JClarke, my husband and I are still married...

Instead of divorce, we have decided to let our family be bigger than an address....

..The space to heal is possibly the greatest gift my husband has given me. Possibly. The steadying presence of his open hand is a great gift, also.


Don't mind me asking - being married, but do you both live seperately?
Or how does your husband manage well with your condition of PTSD?

Sorry, I am all new to this, and I am keen to learn as much as I can! :)
 
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It is dangerous territory, speaking for one's spouse on emotional matters. Even -perhaps especially- after 33 years together, the man is still a mystery to me. So is the love which keeps us bonded even when I feel him as an adversary or jailer. Ask away, but please forgive me when I cannot speak his piece of the mystery. I barely understand my part, much less his.

I am not at all clear how only one of us can live separately. At present, my husband lives with our eldest son (33) in the family homestead. Back in July I moved to a little two-room apartment less than a mile away. I have dreams of this apartment as a graphics studio. So far, I still mostly feel like a runaway housewife abusing The Perfect Husband. I so want to believe I am an artist of instead of the fix-it project that keeps my husband feeling perfect. I often feel like my diagnosed condition is the cover he uses to avoid looking at his own issues. Several of my shrinks called it, "Identified Patient Syndrome." Apparently it is fairly common.
 
Wow, thats hard - right now, between my wife and I, in the seperation mode. I am unable to talk to her at all, she has asked me to give her the space she needs since Sunday, today is Wednesday and the last text I got from her when I attempted to ask if she would like to have coffee and chat with me but she responded with this as I think it sounded very blunt – “Maybe not today sorry”

*sigh* since I have read in the supporter area, I have noticed a lot of couple in the same shoes I am in being separated or broken up due to the PTSD reason, and I am worried about her, and she is involved with another guy which I am aware of.

I read a lot of resources of PTSD and it just makes me want to see her and let her know, I am here for her to help go through it together, I know I can’t help but I want to encourage her and be there as a husband for her - learn her PTSD episodes etc. I Have received an email from a friend who she has been talking to him about ME, which upsets me but it is wrong information and I have noticed few things in the email which I believe it is related to the PTSD she is in at the moment. She needs to be alone, and the time to herself, she wants to put herself first, before anyone else.

Question: what about me as the husband she needs? He told me that she told him that she still worries and cares about me, but what does this tell me? It confuses me and what position does that stand to me, for my wife? I just feel I have no say in this…

Today is the most hardest of all, because I have to attend a friend’s funeral whom is known in the community very well, and It is very sad for all of us.
 
It is an ongoing struggle, JClarke. I do not believe PTSD sufferers and the folks who love us have a corner on the struggle market. The whole "fix the wife" logic has been a major issue between my husband and I. No, my husband doesn't get a say in it. There are things we simply have to work out for ourselves. I already have a therapy network and need to trust it. Votes of confidence from the man I love are far more helpful than a Super Man following me around with brochures and superior knowledge. I need his love, not his superiority.

Small steps, my friend. Take care your own, personal hurts and trust love to find itself.

Sorry to hear about your friend. Are you doing okay with the grief? Hard stuff! Be gentle with yourself.
 
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