No Control

[Jimmy1]

Feeling helpless.... Well last week or the week before they changed my medication as it was not doing its job. I am still trying to work out whether its working.

At the moment I feel totally out of control with my head; therefor, everyone else is copping it and I f*cking hate myself for it. I tore shreds off everyone this morning, all because I am feeling bad.
Tiny shit like wasting a bit of food (maybe because I have seen what true starvation is). Teenagers untidy rooms. Dirty dishes. You name it, its open fire. Maybe I should have stayed on the reef.

f*ck this.

So I gather you have all noticed with yourself that when your feeling low and down and stressed and don't have full control over your life you try to control everyone else. But they are not in the military and either am I at the moment so why should they.

 

[EOD96]

Oh, hell yeah that is familiar territory for me! Always keep in mind that your PTSD is no excuse for hurting your loved ones. Once you know you have it, you know how it works and how you work, you have a couple of choices: You can say f*ck it, and have a pity party for yourself.
You can recognize that you are about to lose control and just leave the room. I usually do this if stress mitigation doesnt seem to be effective.
You can recognize that your medication is providing unexpected results and tell your family this, let them know you are on the ragged edge that you are liable to say some crappy things which you will try to avoid. If you cant avoid them, rehearse some apologies in advance.
If you just know you are going to be a rat bastard today, explain to your wife/gf whats going on and take off or hole up away from your family for a day. Its better than damaging the folks who love you. And they will recognize you really do care for them.

My strats, hope this helps.

 

[EOD96]

Sorry, but re-read above and wanted to add something else: Because you really do have choices, you can regain some control which helps all by itself. Like any battle plan, you have a plan A, B,C,D, etc, and especially a E&E plan (escape and evasion/extraction). You would never go out on a mission with a plan. This is no different. Also, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse. I have post-it notes all over my computer, which allow me to pause and mentally rehearse pre-planned actions on contact. This has saved me and my family a ton of grief. So instead of getting defensive when my wife points out I've been an ass, I have a basic load of apologies in my ruck (or bergen in your case) that I can whip out. Get up in the morning and do your mental 5s and 25s, and be ready with a plan. My dad (a vet himself) always used to tell me to remember the five Ps: Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

 

[Jimmy1]

Yeah I understand mate and say probably Yes to all of the above, but you also have to remember what PTSD is too.

Its no excuse to hurt your family, but unless you have full control sometimes it gets out of control. Yes I was Major Arsehole yesterday and its 'Not' my fault. There are coping strategies, but when things get on top of you sometimes you can't see the 'Outs' until things have been said.

I used to be good at self awareness, but of late ins all hindsight.

You have to admit yourself mate, that if you had all that foresight and knew when things were heading in the wrong direction, half your problems would not exist.

Realistically I am only a baby when it comes to the recovery cycle. I have only been diagnosed for 4 years. Yes I did the PTSD course here, but wipe of 2 of those for self pity and substance/alcohol abuse.
So in realistically I have only been managing my symptoms for the last 2 years.

 

[humptynugget]

Feeling helpless.... Well last week or the week before they changed my medication as it was not doing its job. I am still trying to work out whether its working.

At the moment I feel totally out of control with my head; therefor, everyone else is copping it and I f*cking hate myself for it. I tore shreds off everyone this morning, all because I am feeling bad.
Tiny shit like wasting a bit of food (maybe because I have seen what true starvation is). Teenagers untidy rooms. Dirty dishes. You name it, its open fire. Maybe I should have stayed on the reef.

f*ck this.

So I gather you have all noticed with yourself that when your feeling low and down and stressed and don't have full control over your life you try to control everyone else. But they are not in the military and either am I at the moment so why should they.

In time ive learned to recognise when im being a twat...well more so than is normal , my wife and kids have been put through hell and that adds another dimension of guilt , but when im feeling like shit i write the day off as a PTSD day and dissapear with my meds off to bed , tommorows another day and i try to look foreward to then as i might be feeling a bit better and havent unloaded on anyone either.
Im not the fittest of people but i find going for a run and throwing a few weights around blows away a few demons and have been doing martial arts to deal with my anger and to keep a lid on it and its worked so far , helps to keep my mind active learning new stuff and has got me out of the house , i spent two years living in the downstairs room like a bloody stinking , looney prisoner / hermit, my poor missus had to give me bed baths as i wouldnt leave the room.
Its a slow learning process , you learning about the new, f*cked up you,learning from your mistakes and what works and doesnt work and trying not to hate your self any more than you already do , and its only natural to take it out on the ones who are closest to you , we all do it mate its just a matter of educating yourself to adapt.

 

[EOD96]

Yeah, Jimmy, maybe I went off a bit half cocked on the advice thing, sorry bud. My PTSD is not the same as yours, and my recovery/adjustment plan may sound like a lot of shoulda-coulda-woulda bs to someone else. You've given me some really truly helpful advice and perspective, I went all manic trying to help out. Really, I just started working on this a month ago, so... who's the newbie now, huh?

You'll get through today.

 

[Jimmy1]

Maybe I should have written 'VENTING' at the start of my post.

Once you new guys get the hang of it you will know when to comment, when to shake your head, and when to tell someone to 'Harden the f*ck Up'. Because, if you do it the wrong way, the wrath might rain down.

 

[humptynugget]

Maybe I should have written 'VENTING' at the start of my post.

Once you new guys get the hang of it you will know when to comment, when to shake your head, and when to tell someone to 'Harden the f*ck Up'. Because, if you do it the wrong way, the wrath might rain down.

Just give it time jimmy , you will learn to recognise the warning signs and take steps to avoid unleashing your anger onto others , its taken me ten years and i do have the odd spas attack , but on the whole i can and do manage my feelings much better , it does take a long time though.