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Noise/Triggers - How To Explain To People
- Post starter lyrical
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SunnyBrookFarm
Diamond Member
Lyrical-
Our relationships with our mothers appear to be similiar. My mom doesn't even know about my abuse (well, maybe she does I truly don't know- but regardless, it is not spoken of). I am the "protector" of the family, the one that tries to keep it all together. Therefore, like you mention, I just don't speak of these things with my mom. Honestly, if she didn't know it would make her sicker and if she does know - perhaps she's hoping I don't remember. Regardless, she is simply to sick for me to expect that level of support from her.
It's hard being a "caretaker", trying to keep everyone else happy, and healing.
I hope your doctor can help you get in to see a therapist soon, in the meantime, really try to find some ways to take care of YOURSELF. (Lock yourself in the bathroom, blast your headphones and soak in a bath if the noise gets to be too much).
Holidays are tough, I know. Vent away - sounds like this is one of the few places you can - it's healthier for you to let it out, then stuff it down.
Our relationships with our mothers appear to be similiar. My mom doesn't even know about my abuse (well, maybe she does I truly don't know- but regardless, it is not spoken of). I am the "protector" of the family, the one that tries to keep it all together. Therefore, like you mention, I just don't speak of these things with my mom. Honestly, if she didn't know it would make her sicker and if she does know - perhaps she's hoping I don't remember. Regardless, she is simply to sick for me to expect that level of support from her.
It's hard being a "caretaker", trying to keep everyone else happy, and healing.
I hope your doctor can help you get in to see a therapist soon, in the meantime, really try to find some ways to take care of YOURSELF. (Lock yourself in the bathroom, blast your headphones and soak in a bath if the noise gets to be too much).
Holidays are tough, I know. Vent away - sounds like this is one of the few places you can - it's healthier for you to let it out, then stuff it down.
- Post starter
- #15
Kaddy1- I totally understand what you mean with the expecting/not expecting noises affecting how well you can deal with stuff. The worst for me is if I’ve been playing music and don’t realise someone else is in the house – jeez I quite literally nearly died on the spot. Now I put the chain lock on so that the family have to ring my phone to get me to let them in!
It must be hard going to shopping centres etc, must admit I have totally avoided that this year and done all my Xmas shopping online. I’m still trying to figure out when to do the food shopping, three in the morning is looking likely! Not so easy to do that when you have kids though, I admire the fact that you put yourself through tough times in order to take them shopping.
MontanaJem – Thank you for posting, I’m glad it’s not just me who does this. That’s reassuring. I seem to have done nothing but rant since I signed up but it really is such a relief, especially when people are so understanding. Maybe I’m not crazy after all.
Pixie/Rell – Thanks, sometimes it just feels like maybe I am going crazy, mainly because everybody here thinks I am. It’s like they’re watching every word I say waiting for me to slip up. Or if I manage to do something one day that I just couldn’t face the day before – like visiting other family members, they’ll say something like “see you can do it when you care enough”. It’s not a case of me not going because I don’t care, it’s more to do with the fact that I’m screaming inside and feel like everything unravelling at the edges.
SBF – Wow it really does sound like the relationships are the same. Like you say getting that balance between caring and taking care of yourself is hard/impossible. Sometimes I feel like screaming at her, I wish she could be a ‘real’ Mum, but she can’t and I know it’s not her fault. I feel like my life is falling apart at the edges and there’s nowhere to turn to. I’m so glad I found this forum as just being able to rant and get some reassurance that I’m not alone is such a help.
I honestly don’t know how much she knows, there are some things that I know for a fact she’s aware of but ignores as if it didn’t bother other people involved why should it bother me. I don’t know why it bothers me, because I was just a kid and the others were adults seems like a reasonable answer. Other stuff that happened with my brother she just plain refuses to believe, and if she won’t believe the small things how can I tell her the bigger stuff? Like you said, I can’t as she can’t provide that type of support. I wish I knew who could! I’m slowly coming to the realisation that with my family is probably not the best place to be for me, I don’t really feel safe here.
I guess sometimes I just wish she could step up to the mark a bit more, give me a hug and tell me everythings going to be ok – even though I know its not. I want that so badly and it hurts so much that she can’t/won’t do that.
It must be hard going to shopping centres etc, must admit I have totally avoided that this year and done all my Xmas shopping online. I’m still trying to figure out when to do the food shopping, three in the morning is looking likely! Not so easy to do that when you have kids though, I admire the fact that you put yourself through tough times in order to take them shopping.
MontanaJem – Thank you for posting, I’m glad it’s not just me who does this. That’s reassuring. I seem to have done nothing but rant since I signed up but it really is such a relief, especially when people are so understanding. Maybe I’m not crazy after all.
Pixie/Rell – Thanks, sometimes it just feels like maybe I am going crazy, mainly because everybody here thinks I am. It’s like they’re watching every word I say waiting for me to slip up. Or if I manage to do something one day that I just couldn’t face the day before – like visiting other family members, they’ll say something like “see you can do it when you care enough”. It’s not a case of me not going because I don’t care, it’s more to do with the fact that I’m screaming inside and feel like everything unravelling at the edges.
SBF – Wow it really does sound like the relationships are the same. Like you say getting that balance between caring and taking care of yourself is hard/impossible. Sometimes I feel like screaming at her, I wish she could be a ‘real’ Mum, but she can’t and I know it’s not her fault. I feel like my life is falling apart at the edges and there’s nowhere to turn to. I’m so glad I found this forum as just being able to rant and get some reassurance that I’m not alone is such a help.
I honestly don’t know how much she knows, there are some things that I know for a fact she’s aware of but ignores as if it didn’t bother other people involved why should it bother me. I don’t know why it bothers me, because I was just a kid and the others were adults seems like a reasonable answer. Other stuff that happened with my brother she just plain refuses to believe, and if she won’t believe the small things how can I tell her the bigger stuff? Like you said, I can’t as she can’t provide that type of support. I wish I knew who could! I’m slowly coming to the realisation that with my family is probably not the best place to be for me, I don’t really feel safe here.
I guess sometimes I just wish she could step up to the mark a bit more, give me a hug and tell me everythings going to be ok – even though I know its not. I want that so badly and it hurts so much that she can’t/won’t do that.
I’m prompted to post on this thread for a few reasons, which are:
a) noise triggers, crowds and ear problems
b) making someone understand someone else’s sickness
c) bipolar disorder
Regarding a), sudden or too much noise can be a trigger for me. If I’m very anxious or in an unfamiliar environment, it seems to get worse and my concentration and anxiety shoot through the roof.
Case in point, I was in an ultra-noisy, packed cafeteria in Venezuela some years ago and sitting with 16 friends. I couldn’t follow any of the conversations at my table and that at alone depressed me, thinking something’s wrong with me.
A few years later, I suspected maybe I needed a hearing aid. Four significant reasons made me think I had permanent ear damage.
Later, I developed an ear infection and an ear specialist cleaned out my ear. While he was nursing me, he told me to avoid places with a hard floor (ex: no carpets) and lots of activity (ex: restaurants) because loss of hearing (especially if its in one ear only) usually results in psychological confusion for the brain.
He then tested my hearing when the infection cleared up. Results: He was amazed. He said my hearing was of the quality of a 12 year old. Considering the abuse I put my ears through, that’s pretty amazing. Conclusion: Something was probably blocking my ear drum in my right ear and causing the confusion.
So if you suspect hearing loss, you may want to have it checked as it can contribute to confusion in crowded places.
Note: because of my hyper-sensitive hearing, and hyper-vigilance training, I still find it hard to follow conversations at my table, but I don’t experience confusion as badly as I did in Venezuela.
Regarding b), I’ve come to understand that most people can’t understand/relate to someone else’s condition. At best, they can only guess what the other is going through,. And it’s worse with mental illness and its stigma, unless they have gone through some form of suffering themselves.
Case in point: My friend has been fighting cancer for three years. While I understand what he means when he talks about chemo and radiation treatments, and being told two more times “it’s back”, I can’t fully grasp what he is going through.
Plus, what he goes through may be experienced differently by someone else.
I’ve given up trying to make someone understand how I was affected in my childhood and C-PTSD/Bipolar. I’ve come to realize that whether they understand or not won’t change my situation one nada. What I need from them is to trust that I am speaking the truth, that I know better than they do what I need to help myself and what works/doesn’t work, that I need them to understand that I am struggling, and that I am doing things to help myself. I don’t need their solutions. I need their support and empathy. I need them to understand that things affect me in ways they can’t understand, and that is what compassion is.
That said, some people are too trapped in their ego, illness or beliefs to be able to support someone who is suffering. If it’s a parent, I suspect it’s worse, maybe because they have trouble admitting that their own child is suffering, or they believe their child is simply seeking attention, etc.
In your case, your mom is a trained medical professional. If anyone should understand the nature of a struggle, it’s her. Maybe she can’t give you what you need (as a loving, understanding parent), because her “mom’s head space "is in her "trained profession head space”, meaning they have to detach themselves emotionally from patients. So maybe she is treating you as a patient, rather than a daughter.
Now, if you’re looking for an example to make someone understand what it would feel like to be triggered by noises, ask them to imagine themselves being locked in a garage for a week with 10 cars, and each one has a different alarm system. They all go off one after another, then one at a time. Then dead silence. Then it starts again. After a week of that, nerves would be so shot, they’d jump every time their heard a car horn or alarm go off. Now ask them to imagine being dropped off in the middle of a foreign country’s busiest freeway. Cars going by would honk at them, and they’d freeze in fear wondering what direction to run. And the experience of being locked in that garage (conditioning), coupled with being in a foreign, chaotic environment (triggering situation) would result in psychological confusion and they’d probably be frozen in fear and panic.
Regarding c), this disorder is now called Bipolar Disorder or technically more precise, Bipolar Depression. According to an expert, most people who have this disorder suffer more from depression than from mania or hypomania. Now, if you’re worried that revealing information to your mom will negatively affect her and send her off into a deep depression, that’s understandable, but you don’t need to be suffering from unipolar or bipolar depression to be affected badly if you hear painful stories from people.
On the other hand, if she refuses to or can’t understand how noise triggers anxiety in you, this has nothing to do with her bipolar condition. Bipolar disorder doesn’t affect the way or the ability of people to understand or be empathetic.
a) noise triggers, crowds and ear problems
b) making someone understand someone else’s sickness
c) bipolar disorder
Regarding a), sudden or too much noise can be a trigger for me. If I’m very anxious or in an unfamiliar environment, it seems to get worse and my concentration and anxiety shoot through the roof.
Case in point, I was in an ultra-noisy, packed cafeteria in Venezuela some years ago and sitting with 16 friends. I couldn’t follow any of the conversations at my table and that at alone depressed me, thinking something’s wrong with me.
A few years later, I suspected maybe I needed a hearing aid. Four significant reasons made me think I had permanent ear damage.
Later, I developed an ear infection and an ear specialist cleaned out my ear. While he was nursing me, he told me to avoid places with a hard floor (ex: no carpets) and lots of activity (ex: restaurants) because loss of hearing (especially if its in one ear only) usually results in psychological confusion for the brain.
He then tested my hearing when the infection cleared up. Results: He was amazed. He said my hearing was of the quality of a 12 year old. Considering the abuse I put my ears through, that’s pretty amazing. Conclusion: Something was probably blocking my ear drum in my right ear and causing the confusion.
So if you suspect hearing loss, you may want to have it checked as it can contribute to confusion in crowded places.
Note: because of my hyper-sensitive hearing, and hyper-vigilance training, I still find it hard to follow conversations at my table, but I don’t experience confusion as badly as I did in Venezuela.
Regarding b), I’ve come to understand that most people can’t understand/relate to someone else’s condition. At best, they can only guess what the other is going through,. And it’s worse with mental illness and its stigma, unless they have gone through some form of suffering themselves.
Case in point: My friend has been fighting cancer for three years. While I understand what he means when he talks about chemo and radiation treatments, and being told two more times “it’s back”, I can’t fully grasp what he is going through.
Plus, what he goes through may be experienced differently by someone else.
I’ve given up trying to make someone understand how I was affected in my childhood and C-PTSD/Bipolar. I’ve come to realize that whether they understand or not won’t change my situation one nada. What I need from them is to trust that I am speaking the truth, that I know better than they do what I need to help myself and what works/doesn’t work, that I need them to understand that I am struggling, and that I am doing things to help myself. I don’t need their solutions. I need their support and empathy. I need them to understand that things affect me in ways they can’t understand, and that is what compassion is.
That said, some people are too trapped in their ego, illness or beliefs to be able to support someone who is suffering. If it’s a parent, I suspect it’s worse, maybe because they have trouble admitting that their own child is suffering, or they believe their child is simply seeking attention, etc.
In your case, your mom is a trained medical professional. If anyone should understand the nature of a struggle, it’s her. Maybe she can’t give you what you need (as a loving, understanding parent), because her “mom’s head space "is in her "trained profession head space”, meaning they have to detach themselves emotionally from patients. So maybe she is treating you as a patient, rather than a daughter.
Now, if you’re looking for an example to make someone understand what it would feel like to be triggered by noises, ask them to imagine themselves being locked in a garage for a week with 10 cars, and each one has a different alarm system. They all go off one after another, then one at a time. Then dead silence. Then it starts again. After a week of that, nerves would be so shot, they’d jump every time their heard a car horn or alarm go off. Now ask them to imagine being dropped off in the middle of a foreign country’s busiest freeway. Cars going by would honk at them, and they’d freeze in fear wondering what direction to run. And the experience of being locked in that garage (conditioning), coupled with being in a foreign, chaotic environment (triggering situation) would result in psychological confusion and they’d probably be frozen in fear and panic.
Regarding c), this disorder is now called Bipolar Disorder or technically more precise, Bipolar Depression. According to an expert, most people who have this disorder suffer more from depression than from mania or hypomania. Now, if you’re worried that revealing information to your mom will negatively affect her and send her off into a deep depression, that’s understandable, but you don’t need to be suffering from unipolar or bipolar depression to be affected badly if you hear painful stories from people.
On the other hand, if she refuses to or can’t understand how noise triggers anxiety in you, this has nothing to do with her bipolar condition. Bipolar disorder doesn’t affect the way or the ability of people to understand or be empathetic.
- Post starter
- #17
Thankyou for your response JM53, you raise some valid points there, and plenty to think about.
Maybe you're right about wanting to make other people understand my illness. It's impossible to explain to people so maybe its better not to try in the first place.
In regards to Bipolar not affecting peoples understanding /empathy, I know that. But in my case I do believe that for other reasons if I was to speak with my Mum about the reasons certain things trigger me, the reasons themselves would in turn increase her depression. For example when we just touched on the subject she asked me outright "Do I even want to know this stuff? Is it going to be healthy for me to listen to? Be careful what you say". That stopped me in my tracks because no, its not going to be good for her to know this stuff, and theres no point in me telling her and editing as thats not going to be any help to me.
It's hard to know who to say anything to, who to say a tiny bit to, and who to just not mention it all with. Unfortunately I tend to feel obliged to explain myself as sometimes my behaviour is, from the outside, rude. I ignore people, I walk out and leave places, I get really jumpy, If i'm triggered I get angry and (so i'm told) my eyes go dead and I look lethal.
Right now I just feel scared and confused.
Lyrical x
Maybe you're right about wanting to make other people understand my illness. It's impossible to explain to people so maybe its better not to try in the first place.
In regards to Bipolar not affecting peoples understanding /empathy, I know that. But in my case I do believe that for other reasons if I was to speak with my Mum about the reasons certain things trigger me, the reasons themselves would in turn increase her depression. For example when we just touched on the subject she asked me outright "Do I even want to know this stuff? Is it going to be healthy for me to listen to? Be careful what you say". That stopped me in my tracks because no, its not going to be good for her to know this stuff, and theres no point in me telling her and editing as thats not going to be any help to me.
It's hard to know who to say anything to, who to say a tiny bit to, and who to just not mention it all with. Unfortunately I tend to feel obliged to explain myself as sometimes my behaviour is, from the outside, rude. I ignore people, I walk out and leave places, I get really jumpy, If i'm triggered I get angry and (so i'm told) my eyes go dead and I look lethal.
Right now I just feel scared and confused.
Lyrical x
Hi Lyrical
I, too, would be hesitant to share sensitive stuff with someone if I thought it would trigger a depression, flashback, etc. in them. And if it's someone close to me, like a family member, I wouldn't. So good judgment on your part not to share except if your mom wants to hear what you have to say.
I stated in my earlier post that people who don't, won't or can't understand as nothing to do with their being afflicted with bipolar disorder, except of course if they won't/can't if they know hearing a painful, traumatic story will trigger them.
So I just wanted to clarify that people's ability to understand isn't impeded in anyway by BP. It's a choice, not a symptom of the illness. There's a lot of misinformation in the media lately about people with BP, so I thought I'd mention it.
Glad to hear some of the info I stated earlier is somewhat helpful.
Noise is my most active one trigger.
And if I didn't know any better, I'd say I have very acute hearing because I had to depend on sounds to survive a hostile environment. Considering I pounded drums to loud music on a stereo in a small basement for five years, and often blasted music from my headphones, I'm surprised my hearing is as good as the specialist says it is. Especially considering that it's a known fact that many drummers lose hearing in their right ear because that's where the crash cymbals are usually played.
I, too, would be hesitant to share sensitive stuff with someone if I thought it would trigger a depression, flashback, etc. in them. And if it's someone close to me, like a family member, I wouldn't. So good judgment on your part not to share except if your mom wants to hear what you have to say.
I stated in my earlier post that people who don't, won't or can't understand as nothing to do with their being afflicted with bipolar disorder, except of course if they won't/can't if they know hearing a painful, traumatic story will trigger them.
So I just wanted to clarify that people's ability to understand isn't impeded in anyway by BP. It's a choice, not a symptom of the illness. There's a lot of misinformation in the media lately about people with BP, so I thought I'd mention it.
Glad to hear some of the info I stated earlier is somewhat helpful.
Noise is my most active one trigger.
And if I didn't know any better, I'd say I have very acute hearing because I had to depend on sounds to survive a hostile environment. Considering I pounded drums to loud music on a stereo in a small basement for five years, and often blasted music from my headphones, I'm surprised my hearing is as good as the specialist says it is. Especially considering that it's a known fact that many drummers lose hearing in their right ear because that's where the crash cymbals are usually played.
Lionheart
Not Active
I have sensory sensitivity to certain types of noise, especially if it is repetitious. I also know what it is like when the whole family is talking at the same time because when they do that, no one is listening; drives me up the wall. What bothers me most is that your mother seems kind of closed minded in that she thinks she already knows enough about PTSD and your issues so that, she can't really be open to learning. I imagine that must be very frustrating for you. The hardest part for me is knowing that I can't change my parents, no matter how important an issue is for me, they are not going to change. I don't really have any helpful suggestions but I did want to let you know that I can relate and that you are not alone.
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