Not supposed to tell

[Kubash16]

I want to apologize for upsetting you. No one has said that you are weak or that we don’t believe you. Obviously I was mistaken when I made the note about the priest. I apparently read things wrong.

You are right, you don’t need anyone else to validate your trauma. Your trauma is very valid. No one is disputing that.

I will step out of your diary for now. I want you to have a safe place to get all your thoughts out and to be able to vent. I don’t want to get in the way of you feeling safe here. This is a fantastic community and the trauma diaries really do help, so please continue.

One last thing before I go. I may have misread you again so if I did please disregard. From what I understand you are associating schizophrenia with weakness. Please don’t do that. Please don’t ever consider someone who is schizophrenic as weak. That’s a very low blow and I won’t tolerate it. I have no authority over you and can’t tell you what to say/think/do obviously, but I will not be friends with someone who considers ANY mental illness or injury as a weakness.

 

[Placebo]

@Placebo, I can guarantee Somerandomguy wasn’t judging. He’s simply noting what this looks like. There is absolutely nothing wrong with schizophrenia or DID, he’s not saying it as something bad. It was only out of concern, I can promise you that.

I would agree with him that some of your posts do reflect untreated schizophrenia, again not a bad thing. I know lots of disorders can be confused and misdiagnosed. I’m not saying yours was, neither of us are doctors so we can’t be the ones to say what you’re battling.

The reason some of the posts look that way is the obsessive nature they have when it comes to worldly events (such as priests) that haven’t directly affected you. Maybe they have, and I’m reading wrong. I’m just worried because sometimes those obsessions can get in our heads too much and we begin to self harm and sometimes get suicidal ideation with it.

I’m really glad you stated that you would be backing off of Buddhism for a bit. While I have nothing against that religion/lifestyle and think it can be great for some people, it seems to have the opposite effect on you. It seems more harmful than good.

Once again, we are just worried and hope you are doing okay. No matter what you are battling, none of us are saying anything in judgement. Only concern and care. We know what being severely dysregulated is like.

Thank you. I do understand how it could look like schizophrenia. I also understand how it could look like bipolar or any other mental illness. Anything with psychosis in the diagnosis. While a lot of what I posted was and is true it may seem like I'm mentioning big things in society, but if you lived where I lived in southern California not far from Hollywood and LA on the beach it is more understandable. In my ptsd flashback period I was reliving the trauma emotionally while writing on this forum. I did mention Catholic priest only because so many victims for so long were told they were mentally ill by people in power don't do that supposedly. In the book "The Body Keeps The Score: Mind, Brain, and Body in the transformation of trauma" it talks about how for so long trauma patients were told and diagnosed schizophrenic. Many DID patients have been diagnosed as schitzophrenic. It's very harmful and is traumatizing to tell someone they are crazy after trauma it adds a secondary trauma on top of the original one. Yes in my powerless anger in that ptsd cycle of reliving the experience for a few days straight did bring about the constant use of the metaphor about Catholic Priest who molest children. Wolf's in sheep's clothing who are highly regarded as good, and with the followers of the Catholic religion for quite a long time their word against someone else's was enough to dismiss abuse claims. That was until enough people came out of the closet to report abuse. I'm my case while I don't know how many victims of these people there have been I do know I and they will not be believed. In the Epstine case they continually found underage victims, and he was convicted of sex traficing, but lost almost nothing and he still to this day has friends among Hollywood elite and government political officials. I think the fact that what I went through will always be an unjust fact I have to live with that can be overwhelming, but it helped to process the fact that so many other people knew about the privileged elite that have traumatized and victimized others. Yet, they still live good lives with no consequence and in most cases the victim of the trauma suffering ptsd themselves will never be recognized as a victim of a powerful person yet blamed for the injury. I understand this has happened through out history and I'm not alone but when I'm reliving the trauma that understanding makes no difference. It's a judgement to say someone seems schizophrenic as far as the word judgement is defined as "the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions." Judgement is not a bad thing, or telling someone they are bad. Thank you both for your concern. I understand it is not anyone's intention to cause further hurt or trauma. I am not asking people to believe me. Perhaps it would be better to make the statement "hysterical" as the definition of that word is "deriving from or affected by uncontrolled extreme emotion." Stating I seem schizophrenic is a judgement made out of either disbelief or ignorance of what schizophrenic is. As you can tell I'm out of a ptsd cycle and back to be able to make more logical sense. Also my writing style and point of concentration has changed. I may no longer suffer from full blown DID, but that does not mean I do not suffer from aspects of a personality change between when I am living in a ptsd cycle verses not. I have to catch up on the few days of lost productivity so I may not be able to fully give my time to recovery, but by Friday I should be able to get more information and spend time attempting to find another psychiatrist as the one I saw for 8 years retiered. She did diagnoses for the state of California and was highly regarded in that area. Part of why it is hard to replace her. She was wonderful as her experience working with the police made her an amazing detective in the mind to find core problems/traumas, and then help dissect the problems in order to rearrange the mind into a healthy realization allowing for healthy repattering and the ability to perceive a new story line which allows the brain to change it nerosstructure and chemical production in order to stabilize the change into a permanent position of function. I will work throug h this. Nothing and no one will stop me from recovering is the best realization and the biggest gift of this last relaps into ptsd.

 

[Placebo]

Torture will make one obsesive. Reading up again on torture this morning I do not seem schizophrenic at all unless I am not believed and my torture is chalked up to delusion. I am sad to say that even this is not a completely safe space to work through trauma. Being told you seem schizophrenic because your trauma is unbelievable can be retraumatizing, but honestly I am glad I no longer need anyone external to myself to believe me as only my Parents and one friend from my old town actually do believe me. I have not told my parents about some of the power abuses, but it does happen, and that is widely accepted, but no one wants to believe it happens to someone they may be able to communicate with.
My self identity has been demolished. In fact reading about torture I could put a picture of me in almost every word. It seems maybe someday women will not be so subjugated, but it is probably far away as the government barely recognizes males that are not of white origin. They seem to act like they were the ones to stop segregation, but they were very much against Dr Martin Luther King until far after his death in most circles. And, as with most elected officials the move to desegrigate was only under public scrutiny of reelection. Women are still very much subjugated in Hollywood the mass mind brainwash machine, and music where sirens sing of sexual freedom like we don't have it already. Honestly I've been considered a freak ton high school and on. I wanted and still thing sex is about love even if I've tried to correct that because now days it seems prudish and odd. I tried to be like everyone else, but the harder I tried to fit in and be like the masses I broke under cognitive dissonance. I
Self identity....... Well I think just slow down and stay present will help me come into my body and mind more so. Self identity is not what is on the out side, so building back up my self trust is a beginning for now.

 

[Placebo]

Last few words about power abuse. Harvey Winstein friends of presidents, ex presidents, and all of Hollywood at one time. You don't think he didn't have access to government employees wanting to party with celebrities and be cool with the modern day idols? Yes, abused of power happens, and they tore my shit up when I was a teenager, and for quite a while after that. Because I was retraumatized a few years ago I am just now dealing with the reality I denied for so long. I honestly lived in two worlds at all times one where it did happen and one where I was crazy and confused in a psychosis making it up....... I have had every diagnosis under the sun. I couldn't leave my house hardly when I started therapy with Dr Peggy. After about 3 years I think maybe 2 I was able enough to start school, and that was huge! I used to flip out about school because that is where do much of my pain came from, but I am getting through ok now finnaly. They kept saying what happened to me was right and they were good. Proof of reality their ego will never be able to admit is in all the girls in high school killing themselves. What the f*ck were they thinking except it was about sex and I couldn't get away. My house was their show and you know what any one of those people would kill some one of they did that to them. They have walls around their houses, and safe places with friends who understand. They just tortured me. But, it's time to just deal with whatever I can and try to get better so I never hurt that much ever again. I am glad that I am no longer confused most of my disbelief was because I couldn't understand how anyone could do that to someone and think it was good. It was not good and I should have been crushed and mad and hurt etc...... I was a normal human made to feel abnormal and wrong. It was psychological twisting and tormenting that made no sense at all. They still don't let people in their back yard. Strangers watching and judging and even if they do they can make people turn the camera off. I get so sick of people telling me I'm schizophrenic f*ck am all. On a side note a body is just a body and it doesn't mean a person just walking flesh like they made me feel and treated me like repeatedly over and over again. I've never tortured a guy for having a small penis I don't honestly care about stupid shi t like that. It's more important what and who you are, but to them women are just bunnies and kitties to be subjugated to all hell.

 

[Placebo]

The men in generations before we're raised to.think women like me were loose and deserved the negative consequences of not waiting until I was married. The generations around my age were brought up with women straight subjugated to sex objects (yeah thanks Madonna after a point you just become the oppressor showing that women are only good for sex can't keep a relationship and keep f*cking in public as a deep statement whatever) were bitches and hoes and a different species to the men's club watching our boobies jump on trampolines is all. I wish something was real in mass media politics or anything else shaping this world. Hollywood acts like they singlehandedly changed the world to be equal they were the biggest oppressors for so long and if you look at the portrait of women painted still are. They tortured me really bad and it's hard to be in a world where your always forced to see people who did it. I don't watch any mass media any more. I put eat plugs in as I was a muse in my pain they caused........ No one will believe me is their biggest pride and took of pain. BUt, I got over that I don't need anyone to believe me or help me walk through the pain. Harvey had ex israil spyies on his paycheck you don't think that they did this to me.......

 

[Placebo]

Why can I write this stuff here, BUt when it was on "only for me" on Facebook did they feel the need to do it again and make sure I knew I was nothing 21 years gone to confusion mental illness like pts d DID a major depression? I survived which is all I could really do at the time. I was just surprised I had that many friends and I had never hung out with people that nice before. But, I was a bit older than them and because I have no kids to relate with others, and no success that was all I could find for friends. I am a person that needs people I was isolated really bad from 10-just before 13 with like honestly no friends my summers were spent in the library reading like everything I could. I am a social person. I enjoy people but also need my alone time I guess I'm normal in that repect. Is Facebook the gateway to hell or something it sure are shi t was for me. maybe because Bill and Hillary didn't win the kingdom? I don't know when they were in power every time I was hurt. They still have power but I don't know. I stopped caring about politics a long time ago...... I don't know anymore. I don't know if they will ever do it again. In know they get off on it. Rearranging life around someone to make sure they know they are nothing inside. ANnyway........ Being tortured is real, and I think as far as real torture goes not every one has been and few are educated as to what it does the reactions that are predictable for the behaviours of torture survivors are widely unknown. Even on this site it is sad because that so often is another source of trauma and people spend their whole lives suffering because no one understand s them, and they judge them as something other than what they are. Misdiagnosis causes a lot of problems I spent almost 10 years in and off serious antipsychotics and mood stabilizers (I'm on one now but it's not bad a mood stabilizer that makes sure I don't get too depressed, and an anti depressant) that made me hear voices honestly. I got so screwed up and cried for about a decade daily trying to accept I was schizoidaffective. Dr Peggy saw me for 8 years and said I was not bipolar, schizophrenic, or anything else except maybe depressed, and we worked through a lot like I said I can leave my house now with out thinking some one will know and hate me or hurt me for that stuff in my back yard as a kid. I never knew if some one as going to verbally assault me as it's happened even 4 hours away from that small town. I didn't know who knew. I was scared of people as they were cruel and I was a reject and they would just somehow know. It's been a long time that I've been better than that and I keep getting better. I'm just dealing now with not being in denial so the flash back in the grocery store when I heard two songs back to back torment me even if they were not about me they still cut deep as the time period they came from I guess. I have ear plugs no I e can force me to listen to the sirens sing to God and all dimensions watching us if they are at all..... Ok time to put this away. It's good I can word this and express this as a reality I love in even if it still comes out not perfectly articulated.

 

[Placebo]

I can feel my hands, and my body again. I think I'm finally off that last flashback/ptsd cycle. Hopefully I will make much more sense. I am.not sure that I didn't make sense though except on things maybe I am unsure of and will be u sure of forever. Being tortured by complete strangers that fo not have to be in yoir physical space but stalk and watch and take over your world makes it difficult to be able to put things in definit mental constructs to be able to lock into a solid reality. I can never get my time back on this earth to be able to live normally. I can never have anything back that was taken away. I can not build anything on a foundation that I have never had. I understand I will always be isolated and in solitude regarding my reality in this world. Being shallow is a life savor mentally having no depth of character and only hedonist pleasure and instant gratification in today's society. I say life savor because it saves your mental self cherishing self and self worth. It gives you the ability to reproduce have kids and feel good about the lies we take in and preach. As a society we are taught to be insainly uncaring and unsympathetic to anyone in the world but us. I think a lot of my suffering is that I can't be like them. I can't be a normal ignorant person about the world and the two faces we see in the magic talking picture boxes anymore is all. Phone, tv, and everywhere we go some.mafic moving talking picture box some sound is shaping us and our reality we know.

 

[Placebo]

I think the worst part I've dealt with in this last flashback cycle and the worst part of processing it is that so many people knew what that guy did to me, and so many people were watching it, and me live my life for so long as a "show" while watching me suffer and cry at times never showing me kindness and asking if they could help. They waited until I was better and started realizing my hope that I could finish high school and move on into adulthood which to do my parents constant thoughts words and teachings of their life said adult were mature and didn't do kids bully stuff or immature popularity contest. I was finally happy and smiling and was gaining my self esteem back after Scott trashed me. The bullies seemed to be ignoring me like they had sense I left them in Jr high for alternative living and school arrangements. I could move on and meet new people and go to college or get a job and move out of my parents house. So many people knew and no one helped me. They never said Scott wasn't good. They just slut shamed and celebrated me at the same time and basically said what he did was good and I was stupid for trusting him. I was stupid for trusting my own eyes and ears and because I couldn't trust my own eyes and ears as people hid and were silent while stalking me. It was bad it was really bad how cruel it was, but as some old guy said it was a cruel de tata..... He thought it was great and his power showed when he said that. My boobs werent that bad but not a perfect plastic set like barbies were growing up. I didn't even know most women with natural boobs were a little uneven back then. I'm still not perfect, but that's ok as I think being single is good and so I don't have to try to attract someone who will love me. I've had two relationships in my life which is more than some people so I feel no sadness there. It's hard to be singled out and stand alone and have so many people with their perfection and huge egos around. They will always be faultless in their mind as I used the N word and deserved it all as if they had a magic ball that could see what was going to happen in the future. They said in the end it was right. I guess that kind of cruelty that the woman deserves it and is responsible for men or a man like Scott hurting her will always be her fault is not so uncommon. Blame the victim goes back a long time in our society. ANd, is still present in our modern day society. All the technology in the world can't make people be more evolved than their predecessors they come from in family, work, and social construct. I understand society and Hollywood has changed but the more they change the more things stay the same. Me too movement will be swept under the rug in that social creating construct of illusion we call mass media because there are more men than women and they like it the way it is. Women are sex objects who's main power is sex while men own everything...... Whatever I don't have little girl kids, and majority of people will die in global warming, or some flu that the elite or.governments come out with in which only they have vaccines for to save the earth and themselves. Maybe the second part of that statement won't happen, but the earth s climate is being changed by a system that is patriarchal and always sticking it's sick in some desert to get energy like a parasite sucking blood. Ok no more positive thoughts from me. I need to start do it yoga in the morning again....... This use of time And thought is probably not the best thing for me.

 

[Placebo]

I'm not money oriented. As long as I have enough to live ok I'm fine. I have enough now, but when I am older it may not be enough, so I am doing things to try to get some retirement or up my social security of possible. I think maybe if all I cared about was money then I might have been better off as I would have just pulled through school as a nerd the whole time and gone on to college and better things, but I was bullied inside out outside my the house, so inoder a to kill myself i ran away. My friend nickis mom never bullied us and I wasn't doing drugs or drank them I was just around nice people. I have never had a year with out a sip of alcohol as I take communion at my mom's church. But, that doesn't mean I am an alcoholic although being forced to grow up in aa the brain washing is there anyway. No big deal there are some good people there. A lot of the men that were involved are old and retired now, so the hate or sadistic behaviour got passed down into another generation and strangers I've never met that were never there. Alex he said his name was who said "are you ready for the real drugs" had to be 60 or maybe 50 20 years ago. I don't imagine he would have hacked my Facebook account. But some of the guys who were involved in the 90's know some high up people like CEO types to say so I guess that makes sense. I'm off of it, and a lot of younger people I know say it's for old people, so someday it'll be gone completely, but the tech side did do things to increase its addictiveness and also have an entire psychology department on board to keep it going so who knows. I think I am just now a continuous objector of mass media mind control, but it's no conspiracy no one is forcing people to be influenced by entertainment or pop culture people want it as it's easier and comforting to be one of the crowd and have constant justifications and information agreeing with your version of the world, I guess. I still am sad I can not be a sheeple with my own opinions. BUt, entertainment is not a necessity of life and is truly an addiction to give a person dopamine hits as they take on and feel what the screen is telling them. I have always loved reading above anything else, so I read a lot and as the library has always been my favorite place growing up. I look stuff up constantly on the internet and constantly allow other people to talk so I can get their information that will broaden my mind and expand my perception of reality thus allowing me to research different perspectives and ideas, so I guess being a sheep is not for me. A company have me a personality test professionally administered. I'm a maverick which makes sense as I was raised by worldly people. I didn't know though my parents were going through this phase of self deprecating humor for the first 20 years of my life which I took literally as I'm just an oki in my roots and that's it, but I was a kid so did not know they were humbly joking. I never knew my family history till I was way older like 30'a bit that's ok it's someone else's greatness I guess you could say someone else's glory that I had no part of so how dare I take ego from it to think I myself am something special or good. I simply survived most of my life which is a pathetic thing in reality. The stuff that happens to me has been passed down generations and to people I will never know. It is cruel, but a lot of people in this world suffer cruelty, so I guess it makes until for them to have taken part in it in their mind. The people involved never had it that cruel or hard or they would not be successful but I guess to them that is God given goodness and because I was born into what I was born into and lived through what I lived through I deserve it in there perceptions and eyes. Nothing I can do now and no restorative justice will ever come about it. But welcome e to the world that's life and as long as it doesn't happen to them or their kids they don't care honestly and that's just a fact. They know what it does to a person now with no exception to reality I was not that out of bounds to be beside myself crushed. A small town And a cruel government made sure I would never trust my eyes or ears again, while at the same time forcing me to see what they want. I never saw anyone or heard them growing up back there with or with out Scott around. Never once. Very cruel very sick very horror movie like what I've been through honestlt.

 

[Placebo]

I didn't realize as a kid how the decision and actions I made would affect me for life. I think that's why they have laws protecting kids. My ptsd is no longer highly active for now, but some songs and things run through my head that would have bothered me in ptsd cycle. I am trying to heal something which always comes back and that is how I shut down when things are overwhelming. I go numb and can't really do much like function until I'm pushed to far then I flip out. I think that comes from my family's favorite game they played with me as a kid. It was all mental with my dad but physical with my brother and sister until I had just turned 15. It was the "I'm just f*ckin with you" game. Constantly trying to get a rise or some unpleasant emotional reaction out of me. If I broke too early in the game and showed them this negative reaction I was stupid, ridiculed, laughed at, and they won. I often would just take it for days as I was the youngest and at that time "shit rolled down hill" so it would be mainly my brother and dad, but often my sister would join in. To some extent I understand families do this, and it does possibly make the kids more strengthened . But, my dad had mental illness issues, my mom was a full fledged drunk, and my brother and sister took out their insecurities on me. No one lives with me now and I'm very careful about who I associate with because I don't like the "I'm just messing with you" stuff. I dated a guy for a week that had that kind of humor. I couldn't handle it.
so I'm back doing yoga every morning. I want to start practicing mindfulness again as the results made me feel better than when I was stoned, but I'm kinda scared and lost my inertia I had to be completely peasant in the moment because when I had that flash back as green day, and hootie n the blowfish were on the radio I was completely aware of how it made me feel in the moment and felt like a complete piece of shit for not being able to handle the stalking done by strangers, and sexual abuse that happened to be by my first boyfriend scott. I was only half was blacklisted. They could do and say anything they wanted to and about me and I had nothing and no voice. Using the N word while screaming and sobbing at my white neighbors was the day I would have killed myself if I hadn't gotten the pain out. It was complete madness on my part. I was in so much pain that it had gone on so long and no one helped me, or warned me that on that day I would have killed myself if I didn't go ape shi t crazy. I was so hurt I broke badly, and forever as my life could never be as good as it was before I knew and after I was over the abuse of my first love scott. I will never feel that way again. Happy, free, and hopeful of what may come again. I can't enjoy what others enjoy, but once and a while rarely I do find people that know our society in modern day America is sociopathically insane. We're being held down by the man literally as people at a young age almost at Burt are brainwashed into consumerism, and mass consciousness that has been brought about on its sick broken past history that is denied to us unless we look for it.
Ok so what can I do today? Mindfulness better than being stoned, but scary as realizations I could not have in the past are able to jump in to my mind if something triggers me. Dissociated always somewhere else this doesn't hpen, but it's the opposite of being haapy, euphori c, or anything that makes life grand. In fact the colors I see with my eyes are dimmer and not as bright or as vivid when I am disassociated from the present moment. Mindfulness when practiced for a day even makes the colors come back and the mind seems to have happy chemicals in it even though I am not thinking. One of my YouTube monks talks about how this is correct practice as meditation and mindfulness should bring up the things that are difficult and cause wrong view s stopping one from going further on the path to liberation from suffering. It was a big flashback that day as I processed what was happening that I couldn't process at the time. It hurt so bad and was so wild out of the norm I did think I was schizophrenic for a decade......... But, that was a very primitive self defense mechanism. None of the guys at school who did it ever stopped. They chased me out of college, and I just always tried to avoid them at all cost. It ha d layers.......
Mindfulness ok I'll pick myself up and keep going. I did get another layer of the trauma worked through........

 

[Placebo]

I understand a little better about somethings. Now that I fully know what had happened. My self esteem was so low like mental illness low self esteem. I couldn't believe what was happened and in toggling back and forth between two different realities one being the reality proven to me with my family, peers, and outside treatment. And another that was so beyond me scary and just beyond my comprehension as a teenage kid who had a strict indoctrination as to what was allowed to be done to minors by the world around me. The two realities happening I believed what the doctors my parents and everyone was telling me..... That I was crazy. I wonder if low self esteem to that extent is a mental illness. If it is I have battled it most of my life. But, one thing my parents taught me that is true is that as an adult it matters less how you feel about yourself as you age because life goes on regardless.

 

[Placebo]

In my social work class tonight something struck me about my life growing up and my childhood. My dad was mentally ill, and it affected me greatly. We use words like.mentally illness now days to describe people.but that is a recent subject who's. Definition has broadened over the past decade. My dad used to kidnap me as an adult at times when I had ptsd fkashbacks. It lasted for.three months once. I didn't know how to communicate with the police and my dad would say I'm mentally ill and they would often side with him. He lives far away from a city about 40 miles in the hills so I couldn't just walk as the highway was the only way back to my apartment. In a social work class I learned he was taking away my self determination and I also learned how to word things and talk to police men when I could. They did say he was kidnapping me and I could walk if I wanted to and that he would be arrested if he tried to stop me. I love my dad with all my heart, but he has done some shi t and treated me.different ly than my brother and sister. He bought my sister a car twice as much as mine. He never insults her and doesn't call her friends freaks. He is meeting one of my friends this weekend and I am ok with that as I fought for him to treat me right in front of people and worked hard on him not calling my friends freaks for years.
Anyway no more digression. I am not sure if my last pts d cycle.that lasted a week was actually fully pts d or me finally dealing with some facts after a flashback in the store to music they had on. I think some.if this now that I no longer live in two realities about the situation is me dealing with for the first time. The thing that bothered me in social work class was the information on what harm social isolation does to a person, or isolation from anyone who can relate, or in my case tell me I wasn't crazy. My friend Cory told me I was crazy, my parents, my brother, and my doctors. No one would talk to me about how bad it hurt or how ashamed I felt about any of it. Years later my friend Cory apologized and said what she did was f*cked up bad. It was too late by that time. She had done some damage to me for to long for us to repair out friendship, but I did accept her apologies in a very graceful manner in which she could feel good about herself.
It's been a difficult life. Very difficult. I don't think I was born mentally ill but developed mental illness through my childhood and teen years. Some of.this stuff I look back on and wonder how the f*ck I didn't put it together in one cohesive reality and another part understands exactly how I ended up completely fragmented about reality at the time. Going on what I had solidly in my life and not on the hallucinations everyone convinced me I had, or wanted to believe was hallucinations because it hurt to much to be that defaced as a joke with people I perceived as completely above me; I had more shame and self hate than anyone could imagine but honestly they knew and didn't care. In the end I know now I was called a baby and made fun of while I split into two personalities. I did hear voices for quite a few years starting at 19 two years after the trauma but I was in antipsychotics and tons of medication that would cause severe dissociation which can cause hallucinations. I have not heard any voices in about 10 years now, and my shrink who I started with after 8 years of completely knowing me seeing me weekly said I just had ptsd. She knew almost everything about me. More than anyone else alive, and she tracked my moods and reality off medication that while time. I went from not being able to leave my house to going to school and living a way too social life. Even after relapse of ptsd psychosis I still have not heard voices or had any issues I used to have. I wish I would have his in my apartment during those times but the street drugs I was doing made that hard. Also a lot a lot of medications like depakote and respiradol and other pills make me ducking crazy psycho angry in pain. It's on the f*cking side effects form they give you, but whatever they usually just keep.liking medications on until the zombie point when institutionalized. I went to the mental wards to be safe, and I don't think I have ever been safe in one. I'm usually do upset beside myself I can't even express the pain and seem crazy because it hurts so bad I am crazy. Physically it is a sharp insane pain in the heart area and stomach area with an inability to cry that has me lose it during those times. I can't cry like I used to I just lose it when it hurts that bad. I don't think it will happen again to that extent though. Most of that serious crazy was because most of all of my memory of what happened was blacked out. I lost a few months of time and couldn't remember any of it just that I was crazy. Then I would get memories from a trigger and think again I was crazy after the memories were to painful for me and to others unbelievable. They never did me any favors....... My neighbors I was supposed to love...... It anyone involved in it. They hurt me, drive me crazy, watched me suffer again and again, and punished me when I didn't act like they wanted me too. I had no rights as a person who was not be made in the image they wanted me to be. I am no sex.pot or sex symbol, and my equal rights ideas have nothing to do with sex, or being like a man. If like to be like a woman that I want to be without suffering a man's subjugation of my personage based on his idea of what I should be it what I am. Digression again.
Life is a series of sensory information as experiences. I have had some sensory input and experiences that have seriously caused pain, but if I stay present the past does not exist at that moment, and the moment is all I have before it no longer exist except in my mind, so I guess I have to do more work freeing myself of the confusion and ignorance of my situation in the past to be more peasant in the now. Hopefully nothing will remind me of the past and I will be able to fully enjoy the present before my life is over. Pot does help with that, but my pot smoking days are over. Pot is amazing for ptsd, but again I can not smoke it as the consequences caught up to me and I can no longer run away just stopping the symptoms and not healing the root of the detoxification in the end is my mind. Nothing is happening today to cause any suffering, so that little sadness I had in class is only my ignorance expressing emotion before it dies in the single moment. It seems that my ignorance has a life of its own and struggles to survive as the most taught family value growing up was denial of reality and the idea that ignorance is bliss so long as shi t rolls down hill and not on to you.