Not the journey i want...whining

[Still Standing]

Trauma therapy is a lot more like having a badly healed broken bone rebroken so it can heal right this time. And then a series of painful surgeries to repair the damaged muscles, tendons, and ligaments. And then a long course of painful physical therapy to get use of the limb back. And then an even longer course of slowly rebuilding their strength and skills. At the end of the process you’re infinitely better than at the beginning, but the beginning? Things are about to get much, much, much worse... for awhile. And even once things start to get better, there’s a long road & a lot of pain still in front of you.

Is this true?! I have not heard this. I am only 5 months into this journey. My effort and belief in therapy was for progress toward healing and a more healthy coping ability within a finite course of time. When I read this, it put me into a bit of despair.:( Actually, it has brought me to the edge of tears and a sense of uselessness in the attempt at trying to get better. Why do I want to go through more pain? I have spent a lifetime of keeping everything stuffed away. To think that there is more pain to deal with, is pretty discouraging to know. Maybe I am too much of a Pollyanna, I thought there was a light at the end of this tunnel, in all this PTSD stuff. I am too old for this, I think. I don't have the time to put years into therapy. Sorry. This threw me for a loop! I guess, I have to rethink this whole process. It just happened to hit me while in the midst of No-Man's Land...a post-triggered void. It makes things seem very lonely right now. I think I need to go clean out the guest bedroom...it is about as cluttered as I am! Doing something physical will help clear my brain a bit. Ha! And in this mindset, I might be able to toss things I would normally want to keep! Maybe I will be able to come back and thank you, Friday, for helping me to part with junk that is not needed! :rolleyes: What a way to be incentivized to clean!!!

 

[Muted]

I’m right there with you @Still Standing. I’ve put so much into this and I’m about to the end of my rope and I keep getting bad news lately and I just don’t have it in me anymore. I’m tired of it all. It just doesn’t feel worth it anymore.

 

[Deleted member 541]

It is worth it, so don’t give up.......

 

[Joan]

None of us want to get “worse” ....but I guess I always go back to starting on this journey because things were not working the way they were.

 

[Friday]

That things get worse before they get better doesn’t mean there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. It just means that things get worse BEFORE they get better. Not that getting better never happens.

 

[WillyKat]

I know the feeling. Unfortunately, this is a journey of a thousand miles and there's no map. Oh, by the way, you'll be crawling, not walking, naked, in the desert. Watch the cacti.

Our culture keeps telling us that problems get solved with just one click or pressing the button the blows up all of our enemies and bad people. Ain't going to happen that way. Like I said, there's no map and you may encounter an impassable canyon, forcing you to backtrack and find a new route. Think in terms of small, attainable goals instead of the one mighty blow that will fix it all.

I'm sorry. This is disheartening. But it's a lesson we all had to suffer through.

During those time when you feel like you've hit bottom, look around. Falling apart or melting down is highly underrated. That's where the doors are, or maybe a key to a door, one you never thought you could go through.

@Friday is right about it getting worse before it gets better. One foot in front of the other. Keep us posted.

 

[Still Standing]

Boy! This has been a hard week! And the bottom of the hole was pretty black to the point that I had to not entertain the big "S" word...had to choose not to go there...ugh. After my initial post here, I had to sit and process things. I ended up praying. I asked that God would help me figure out the difficult worksheet. Then I colored for a time. When I felt calmed down, I went back to the home work and was shocked, in that, I understood it!!!! It made sense and I was able to finish it. I jumped the hurdle and didn't catch my foot on the top bar! I was so close to throwing in the towel...second time this past week. There was a sense of panic thinking that, at my age, recovering was not going to fully take place, before I die. Now I can better accept what Friday had to say. :unsure: Any stage of recovery is better than where I have been. However, WillyKat, I am not sure that I can see myself naked, crawling in the desert, and avoiding cacti!!!! :nailbiting::confused: Thanks, everyone for the encouragement. I guess I have needed an extra dose of it recently.

 

[Freida]

Never whining.....You are sharing the same struggles lots of us face. when my T first told me I was looking at two years of weekly emdr treatments and I told her I didn't have that kind of time to waste.

And here I am...year one down and working on year two. She got me on board when she reminded me the damage took 20 years so I could give up two to heal. And it sucks. But it was going to suck whether I did the recovery or if I stayed like I was. So it may as well be forward suckage

 

[Still Standing]

Frieda, Your post was the most informative. I don't mean to be dramatic, but I want to cry...relief...dread? Don't know. I guess I thought that the CBT was only for a short time, since it seems it is in stages...once you go to the next stage, you are one step closer to having completed it and I would be on my own implementing the tools I learned in the course. Naive, :whistling: apparently. This is a lonely process navigating the black holes that threaten to swallow one up. And then, wham...the world seems normal again. Then the Pollyanna part of me kicks in and I am the encouraging, listening friend that most see me as. It is like being two different people sometimes. The best thing from all this, so far, is getting an emotional service animal. Guess there are blessing along the way, in this journey, if I look hard enough. It sounds like all of you guys here are going to have to put up with me for awhile! I am glad there are so many of you who are able to understand the angst and can encourage even when you may be in a black hole, yourself.:hug:

 

[Freida]

Glad it helped!

And it is a lonely journey of you try to do it on your own....But now you've found us so you won't have to! And the black hole/normal life thing? Yea..been there...It's pretty normal

 

[zebbidee]

Frieda, Your post was the most informative. I don't mean to be dramatic, but I want to cry...re...

@Still Standing I have completed 15 sessions of trauma-focused CBT. I am virtually without symptoms now although still seeing my therapist to work on some residual issues regarding work (my work exposes me to a lot of extreme trauma). I have never cried so much in my life as I have the last year but it needed to come out. i cried in every one of those session bar 1. serious sobbing. its hard, but its not as hard as keeping it all inside, in my opinion. holding it inside, unresolved, is the true pain. letting it out, when you are ready, is relief. well it was for me anyways :o)