L
LaraGeel
Today I was with my dad in his bigger garden sitting in a little glass house with two banks to sit on. There was laying an axe what catches my focus, but I know my anger is running in me. I am a bit 'loaded' in me, that since this morning.
I have a contact called Donna, who is a YouTuber, and I told her about some things as seeing :
- knifes on table or on floor (can be a D.I.Y. person at days to make something)
- Hammer on the floor
BUt symbolic I push them a bit away. As a kind of NO : But they are suddenly focus-points and having suddenly more value. Within six months ago, cause my punching-bag is tearing open one side and what I've fixed it with tape, but it was my self-defense punching-bag now. Aside kicking the bag with fist, elbow or some leg side-kicks ... Screwdrivers, door-keys (hold it good between thumb and pointing finger, knifes went through the bag. Sometimes a bar ... And when I am in that ??disassociation?? mood, I know perfectly I can kill somebody when I use a knife on a back. And when I say this all : You should know this is not coming from nowhere. Things must happen in life before you are able to put yourself in surviving mode.
Maybe I may not say this, but if a combat-veteran has a gun in house or he/she is loaded (by flashback), you also know as Donna said : They do not REACT, FLIGHT, FREEZE ... they ACT immediately. Until you can break the anger.
Maybe a year or two ago, I said my mom : " I throw you in the basement with a brick on your head. ". I guess I said it two times. And with talking with Donna explains me that I must be a neglected child, as I needed to be the parent over a mother that went in a nervous breakdown when I was 7. My best friend/nephew died with a tumor in his brain I was 11 (The day the world stopped for me). So I searched more things out, that there can be child abuse by family or just having no real unconditional love from my parents. As it can sit in the whole family.
I am not making it long. BUt at my introduction I said : " I had the idea to turn a car, drive in the knowing glas front of the building to protect something that was important when I came out for who I am. " - This was my protection taking over, not loosing 'the baby' as my 'New Life' was. I had the luck with some efforts to get sickness income. And this had to do with being blackmailed in my first outing at a gov. department of work, to stop writing, or to take my income away cause I was a number. And this was with pointing and to repeat the whole thing AFTER he had an idea to go on sickness. This drove me to rescue my 'New Life', cause the other department who checks can be tipped and I had later an appointment. The stories are to big to write here, but on a previous job, I had a BASTARD of a boss who asked me to write a sorry-letter for an opinion, screamed at me and black-listed me on other companies. But he was know as being very corrupt person.
This is also I can't say an opinion, or if I have to fight for my rights as a transexual person (so new problems arising), and even you know you aren't wrong : I always fear to loose something out of elephant proportions. Two times I awoke in my bed with the real feeling police what out there for me in the morning.
And I know, and what I wrote : I can be a murdering-machine. Cause they've hit my core being again (also recently at police to change me for nothing), and my Gender-Identity, My new life I started. Aside a mother that wanted to kill herself if I wanted to be myself. And I can see people laughing, but throw people in a corner, humiliate so much you can (as companies being trans-phobic) ... Trigger me and you are gone. I mean, I do not need much anymore at the moment. Cause I feel Abuse knowing a police woman knows about some fears and LARA blocks. Selective deaf, selective blind, keep on going and not seeing my warnings. Till November 2013 cracked me down ... With a flashback / re-experiencing something.
Lara.
I have a contact called Donna, who is a YouTuber, and I told her about some things as seeing :
- knifes on table or on floor (can be a D.I.Y. person at days to make something)
- Hammer on the floor
BUt symbolic I push them a bit away. As a kind of NO : But they are suddenly focus-points and having suddenly more value. Within six months ago, cause my punching-bag is tearing open one side and what I've fixed it with tape, but it was my self-defense punching-bag now. Aside kicking the bag with fist, elbow or some leg side-kicks ... Screwdrivers, door-keys (hold it good between thumb and pointing finger, knifes went through the bag. Sometimes a bar ... And when I am in that ??disassociation?? mood, I know perfectly I can kill somebody when I use a knife on a back. And when I say this all : You should know this is not coming from nowhere. Things must happen in life before you are able to put yourself in surviving mode.
Maybe I may not say this, but if a combat-veteran has a gun in house or he/she is loaded (by flashback), you also know as Donna said : They do not REACT, FLIGHT, FREEZE ... they ACT immediately. Until you can break the anger.
Maybe a year or two ago, I said my mom : " I throw you in the basement with a brick on your head. ". I guess I said it two times. And with talking with Donna explains me that I must be a neglected child, as I needed to be the parent over a mother that went in a nervous breakdown when I was 7. My best friend/nephew died with a tumor in his brain I was 11 (The day the world stopped for me). So I searched more things out, that there can be child abuse by family or just having no real unconditional love from my parents. As it can sit in the whole family.
I am not making it long. BUt at my introduction I said : " I had the idea to turn a car, drive in the knowing glas front of the building to protect something that was important when I came out for who I am. " - This was my protection taking over, not loosing 'the baby' as my 'New Life' was. I had the luck with some efforts to get sickness income. And this had to do with being blackmailed in my first outing at a gov. department of work, to stop writing, or to take my income away cause I was a number. And this was with pointing and to repeat the whole thing AFTER he had an idea to go on sickness. This drove me to rescue my 'New Life', cause the other department who checks can be tipped and I had later an appointment. The stories are to big to write here, but on a previous job, I had a BASTARD of a boss who asked me to write a sorry-letter for an opinion, screamed at me and black-listed me on other companies. But he was know as being very corrupt person.
This is also I can't say an opinion, or if I have to fight for my rights as a transexual person (so new problems arising), and even you know you aren't wrong : I always fear to loose something out of elephant proportions. Two times I awoke in my bed with the real feeling police what out there for me in the morning.
And I know, and what I wrote : I can be a murdering-machine. Cause they've hit my core being again (also recently at police to change me for nothing), and my Gender-Identity, My new life I started. Aside a mother that wanted to kill herself if I wanted to be myself. And I can see people laughing, but throw people in a corner, humiliate so much you can (as companies being trans-phobic) ... Trigger me and you are gone. I mean, I do not need much anymore at the moment. Cause I feel Abuse knowing a police woman knows about some fears and LARA blocks. Selective deaf, selective blind, keep on going and not seeing my warnings. Till November 2013 cracked me down ... With a flashback / re-experiencing something.
Lara.
