General Observation On PTSD Sufferers And How Much They Care

[helena]

Maybe I haven't been on this site long enough to make observations but I have noticed from reading through the posts by sufferers how much reference they make to the pain/hurt they have caused their carers.

In particular, the threads by Hen and the concerns expressed by firehousesouth9 and many many others.

It has struck a chord with me because one thing I know is that my own ptsd sufferer has never actually expressed any guilt or showed any empathy for me when he has seen me very upset.

It is actually a standing joke (almost) that he can never really understand why other people get upset with his behaviour.

Is it because guilt/remorse/empathy arrives at the point of healing? Or should I be very concerned that this appears to be lacking within my partner?

 

[becvan]

Every single human shows how they care and that they care very differently. PTSD'ers are no different. There is no set example of showing how you care, even with PTSD.

Some people never say anything. Some show it with the little things. Some are very affectionate. Some are very verbal. Some show it with big things.

Just because someone does not show or express remorse does not mean they do not feel it.

A lot of this also depends on where a PTSD'er is with regards to healing. The less healing there is the less room there is for this type of behaviour and emotion.

Really you need to sit down with your PTSD'er and discuss this. Find out what they feel by asking. Look objectively at how they act and if they are trying to show you how they feel by doing certain things. Are they in therapy or not? How far have they come on the road to healing?

bec

 

[helena]

Not even formally diagnosed yet.

He is due to see a therapist next week but it is unlikely that he doesn't have ptsd going by the symptoms described here - he has it all, flashbacks, sweating, tremors, rage etc etc

He refuses to talk about it with me so any approach regarding 'feelings' will get him running out of the door. He does talk some army experiences when he is very drunk - he cries then, but never remembers the next day.

Im not talking about lovey dovey stuff - that isn't him, or me for that matter. I know I am not writing this as well as I should because it's hard to describe a feeling but it is more like an absence of any understanding of why I would feel pain because he broke a promise, or disappeared etc etc

He is the same about physical pain - I had an operation/ sick for a long time and in a lot of pain. Even though he looked after me, he could only tolerate so much and if I moaned and groaned (his words) he would tell me just to get on with it.

Quite a famous man served in the same war as he had. He's famous for being badly injured but still someone who managed to turn his life around against all odds.

However, my partner cannot stand to watch him on TV because he says he never actually saw any action so why are they making such a fuss of him.
He simply cannot comprehend it.

What I always assumed was his own suffering was so intense and so difficult to endure that he had no energy or space to feel compassion for other people.

But, as I said, reading the posts here of sufferers of ptsd I am not so sure I was right.

 

[kers]

What I always assumed was his own suffering was so intense and so difficult to endure that he had no energy or space to feel compassion for other people.

But, as I said, reading the posts here of sufferers of ptsd I am not so sure I was right.

But re-read what bec said. Folks here are in various states of healing. It's hard to find much compassion in your heart for others when you're struggling to keep your own head above water. And people respond to each other differently, based not only on PTSD but individual life experience, temperament, current mental state, etc.

I suggest that once your sufferer begins therapy, you might also seek couples sessions to adress your questions and concerns, not only about the PTSD but about your relationship.

 

[godhelpusoneandall]

Helena, I agree with the others. Healing comes in various stages. I knew my guy was healing when I sent him a box of cookies that he liked - I used to buy them for him all the time, with a note that said, "I saw these in the store and they looked familiar. Then I seemed to remember that you liked them". Well, I nearly fainted when about a week later I got a nice THANK YOU card in the mail with a note saying that he remember the cookies in great detail. Mind you, I had not seen him in nearly 3 years, although I would sometimes forward an email to him of something I thought he might be interested in (not PTSD related). Sometimes I would get a short - one short, short sentence report...a snort reply, I called them LOL. So when he sent me that note, I knew something had changed.

More...Now even when he is hunkering down in high stress times, he calls me so I won't worry.

Itty, bitty, baby steps.

I think you really hit the name on the head when you observed that his pain was just to immediate and intense to think about anyone or anything else. Hang in there. Be patient. Take care of your own needs.

Kat

 

[helena]

Thanks Kat- my laptop crashed so cant post qs - using a fond @ £1 per minHope 2 b back soon