Obsessing Over The Trauma

[WorkingThruIt]

I do this every year in June or July and it is driving me nuts. I go over all the information I can remember. I read books on profiling and preventing violence, like 10 a month. I check my attackers record to make sure he has not done something similar again. This is going to sound crazy, but I have gone to the trouble to get his contact information and then spend a few weeks contemplating contacting him. Given his history of stalking, contacting him is probably a very bad idea. Also, if I am so angry about being stalked, then why the hell an I engaging in some of the same behavior?

I can acknowledge that it is not going to get me anywhere or any new information. It serves no purpose anymore, I understand that. Yet I continue. I am frustrated with myself at this point. This does not seem like healthy behavior. I do this for about a month or so and then the it just goes away and does not return until the next year. All my symptoms are typically at their worst during Jun/July-Sept.

Is this just one form of the annual anxiety?

Any suggestions? Is (or was) this a problem for anyone else?

Thanks

 

[Noone.]

Hello WTI

Although my trauma and experiences are quite dirrerent I too think of one inpertucular every year around the same time.
June of 2005 my best friend was killed and that left me devastated, we did
everything together we even worked at the same engine house we were
inseperatable.
Although a day won't go bye that I don't think of him and what it would
be like to have him back, I find june to be extremely hard and I toss the whole
thing around in my head until I can't think no more.
So in a way I think it's ok to do this, it reminds me that I'm alive and that it's
ok to let yourself feel.

Take care.

FIRE.

 

[igasho]

Hi, WorkingThruIt,

from what you wrote I would say this is a psychological phenomenon "repitition compulsion" (note: i translated this term) - in the original it is a term used by Freud, I guess: "Wiederholungszwang"

A person, who has survived an experience which was traumatic, has a memory of a situation not "solved". But every human soul tends to and needs "complete" situations. Therefore the soul cannot rest with the situation but tries to re-repeat it to find a good complete solution instead of the real broken situation that happened. There are various modes to re-repeat a situation. You might search for abusive lovers if you have experienced sexual abuse in the past - because some part of the soul believes if she can transform the bad man into a nice and not hurting man, the original trauma would not have existed.

It is very difficult for me to write about it in english, but it is a very delicate and touching effort of the soul, not to have to accept that she could not do anything to prevent the traumatic situation.

Surely you can read about this in psychological books - for me it is a cry of the soul...and in a way the treatment would be to comfort your soul as if she was a child and you the fostering father and to explain to the soul that the situation really occured and it really was a broken "uncomplete" situation (in psychological terms) - explain it as to a child - and perhaps you could do a fantasy-travelling on how you could have another ending to the situation, an ending, which helps the soul to understand it has happened, but is over now. Can you understand what I am trying to say and does it make sense for you at all?

Friendly greetings
Igasho

 

[Luthien]

Hi WTI,
I've done this before. I can't remember if it was around the anniversary of my trauma, but I would do things similar to what you mentioned. I had an uncontrollable urge to know where my attacker was living, what he was doing in his life, and so on.

I knew approximately where he was after he moved from the city I was in, so I did internet searches for him, and eventually tracked down his whearabouts and was able to discover that he is acting as the "National Youth To Camp Leader".

That news distressed me quite a bit, as I had been a youth when he victimized me, and I knew that part of his sentencing was not to have contact with children and youths. I tossed arond the idea of contacting someone about it, protesting ect. It was something I obsessed about for some time, before eventually doing nothing, and trying to move on with my own life.

I've also displayed many other behaviours that I would consider "obsessing about the trauma", sometimes find myself going down that road again, but like you, I don't see it as healthy behaviour, so I try to avoid it.

 

[igasho]

Hi, Luthien,

don't you think you could give the info to the police that he is again working in this field? Or give the info to a social worker? As one could fear other victims, I would perhaps do this.

Friendly greetings
Igasho

 

[Luthien]

Hi Igasho.
I am not sure if contacting police, or anyone, would be helpful.
His title as "National Youth To Camp Leader" is through his church, I believe.
And I do not know that it would be helpful, to say anything about it.

If I remember correctly, those terms were a part of his probation, which is now over, so he may be free to do as he pleases.

 

[WorkingThruIt]

Thanks everyone. I have been thinking it over since I started this thread and I am trying to come up with some ideas to stop doing it. It just seems to take over for a few weeks and I am so damn tired of it. I think it is an exercise I do to deal with the anxiety. Perhaps, I should expend the energy on some real exercise like swimming or running.

Igasho, I understand what you are saying and it makes sense.