Ok This Is Really Stupid

[Iam]

Ok, this is really stupid. I am having a wonderful time here in Tahoe at my Mom and Stepdad's home. Mom isn't drinking becasue I am here. She is delightful when sober. Then my stepdad told me that she had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital around mother's day because her blood alcohol level was so high. He says it's been constant since spring of 2009, which I knew since I hear it on the phone often. She stops when we get together for a visit (we live in different states so it's only a couple times a year) and usually goes into DT's. Anyway.....since dad told me about the hospital trip I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and her to get drunk. Why can't I just enjoy being with her without worrying that she is going to get drunk and flip out on me? This is ridiculous.

 

[anni]

Oh well, Iam, it sounds like perhaps you've been dealing with an alcoholic long enough to know the 'stuff' they set up in your head. When mine was behaving beautifully, I was always just waiting for the other dam shoe to drop because it always, always, ALWAYS did. In the early days, I'd actually feel guilty 'wating for it', but got over that optimism fairly quickly. Especially if it's someone close to you, like a parent, and possibly someone who does have a lovely side to them it's easy to feel bad about that expectaion, I know! One just knows that until there's treatment, even a beautifully behaved addict is going to fall of the wagon eventually. It's hard to relax and just have a nice time with that in your head, I think.

 

[AdamAnt]

Maybe the answer is to always have an agreement that at the first sign of alcohol you're gone? It would be a shame to not see your mother because of her addiction. Your mother must love you very much, to know that to quit drinking she will go into DT's, but to go there anyway. I'm trying to imagine how angry she must be at herself and her addiction(at least when sober). Sad indeed all round! You just gotta be bigger than the addiction, one step ahead of it (keep your bags packed!), and enjoy what time you're allowed...

 

[Iam]

Yes Anni, the fear comes from years of past experience. Mom knows the boundaries I have set in place and for the most part respects them. She is a PTSD sufferer as well. Last night I learned that she was raped by a neighbor at 7 years old too. She was the only child of 2 alcoholic parents. At least my brother and I had each other! She was the victim of my father's beatings to a much greater extent than I ever was....though I watched him do it to her. I need to just enjoy the present moments with her.

Exactly Adam. She is angry about her addiction and what she does to people when intoxicated. I am thankful that she quits when I am around. I never thought about the fact that she must love me a tremendous amount to be willing to do that. The reason she does is she knows I will leave whenever she drinks. In fact I excuse myself from phone conversations with her when she is obviously drunk as well. It works most of the time for us so I am glad. I feel bad that she can't quit all the time and have a happier life. At least we have this time togehter. Went for a lovely hike in Tahoe Meadows this am with her. We lost the trail in snow several times and laughed at my having to help her walk in it. Blessings...I need to enjoy them!

 

[vallie000]

Iam, dealing with alcoholics is so incredibly frustrating, hurtful, and difficult. My youngest son is an alcoholic, but our relationship has grown leaps and bounds in the last 2 years. I won't talk with him on the phone when his speech is slurry and he's rambling and bragging. I visited 3 weeks with him last year. He did stop drinking for my arrival, but quickly went back to it. At a high cost to me in terms of stress I didn't need, I left secretly and abruptly. But then, I couldn't afford the cost to change my airline ticket to return home. It turned out OK because my bolting scared him enough to bring his drinking back down to a point we could enjoy each others company for the remainder of the visit. I talk to him about his drinking about every 3rd call, struggling not to make it every single call. And he's OK with talking about it. He knows I speak the truth.

I hope you can pull out some precious moments while you're with your mom and let the others roll off your back.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Iam,

Your feeling are not stupid and are quite normal when dealing with an alcoholic. The biggest problem with a relationship with an alcoholic is the uncertainty.

Enjoy your visit.

Intothelight

 

[Iam]

Good for you Vallie. It's imparitive to set boundaries with an alcoholic. My mom had a hard time believing that I could tell over the phone when she's been drinking. I explained to her (when she was sober) that it is very hard for me to speak with her when she has been drinking, that it throws me back into chilhood trauma. Not to mention if she is angry with something when she is drunk she says really hurtful things. We have come up with a phrase that let's her know that I know she's drunk. I say "You don't sound like you're doing very well Mom" and then we end the conversation. The next time we speak after that she generally will be sober. She does love me and doesn't want to hurt me so for the most part it works. She also knows, like your son founf out, that I will leave to protect myself. I cut off all contact with her for 10 years and only in the last 4 years or so have we been talking again.

One of my 3 sons drinks to excess....I believe he is an alcoholic too. It is really hard when it's our own child. All we can do is pray, set honest boundaries and let them know we love them no matter what.

 

[Tinyflame]

You are fortunate Iam, I find that any inference to drinking sets the other person into a rage, and when you try to explain when they are sober that it's impossible to 'discuss' things after drinking, that also sets them off into a rage, as well, and one in which you are then considered the cause of.

I guess one has to go by their own personal experience.

 

[Iam]

Yes.....we do have to go by the experience with that particular person. My mom won't admit to the drinking and I have been very sensitive in the way that I put it so that I am never pointing a finger and saying "You". I simply explain how it makes "me" feel, that "I" can't handle it. It's all in kind of a round about way. My mom does love me, she knows (when she is sober) that the things she does when she is drunk are destructive. How sad to know that and still not be able to stop. It causes her a lot of anger and guilt.

The main point is that we have to take care of ourselves in the most positive and productive way possible. It's hard to do when it's loved ones who are hurting you and themselves. For me.....I refuse to be a victim. That is a choice each of us has to make for ourselves.