Relationship On Shaky Ground Again

[Purplemunchkin]

First of all :hug:. Secondly, I'm in a very different time zone to you guys - it's 10.43am here, so hope I'm not too out of kilter.

I'm another one who went through this:

When my vet and I were first living together every single time we had any kind of argument he would say it was over.

And this:

"Well, let's end it now, if that's what you want."

Except he would say "I'll just go back and live with my parents, if that's what you want." I swear though, the "if that's what you want" bit was the same, word for word, almost daily.

I would always turn it back on him with "It's not what I want, is it what you want?"

And as @Sighs said:

Eventually, I got sick of it and told him he couldn't do that

I explained that if he kept threatening to leave I would never feel secure and there was no way the relationship could work. We either had to agree to work at it or not. I think he did threaten to go back to his parents once or twice after that, but it made a real difference overall.

Our relationship did improve massively when we moved to a bigger house, so we can both have our space, and can sleep in separate rooms if a bit of time is needed. I know a lot of people say you shouldn't go to sleep without resolving an argument, but I think when PTSD is involved sometimes you should. I will always kiss him good night and tell him I love him, even if he is ignoring me. And in the morning when I leave for work I will kiss him goodbye and tell him I'll see him tonight, even if he is still ignoring me. Even if I'm really pissed off, I'll pretend I'm not. Nine times out of ten by the time I get home it has blown over; whether we talk about it then, or wait a day or so, depends on many things.

Fingers crossed everything works out for the best!

 

[Wastinglight]

Thank you all. @Sighs when I got home he told me he thinks it best that we break up. I disagreed and argued and wailed and sobbed but it's no good. He's done a complete backflip on everything he's ever said to me. Last Thursday he loved me and was committed to me and everything was fine. Today he doesn't love me, says he doesn't see a future for us or even himself and now apparently I am the reason why he hasn't "made any progress" in his recovery the past 12 months. He has actually made a lot of progress in the past year and I told him so. Oh but that was progress in the wrong direction, was his retort. He seems suddenly incapable of seeing any aspect of our relationship in a positive light. His words were beyond cruel and he seems to have scapegoated me for everything that's gone wrong in his life. I dont think he's going to change his mind about breaking up. I have never seen him act like this in all the time I've known him. I cannot begin to describe the pain I feel right now. I can't believe this is happening.I feel like I've gone into shock.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Oh @Wastinglight, I'm so sorry to hear this and am sending you many :hug:

Are you able to get away for the night, to stay with a friend or family member? You both need some space to breathe and you need chance to feel what you need to feel in a safe environment.

Your priority right now is you, so please take care of yourself.

 

[vivaladawn]

@Wastinglight I know how you feel and I’m so sorry you are going through this. I went through the exact same situation 2 weeks ago. I think right now is a very delicate time frame between balancing our emotions and what we think is best for the relationship and his well-being. I also was sobbing and pleading with my vet when he called things off. He just kept saying “I can’t do it anymore.” These past 2 weeks he has been so cold over texts and acted like I meant nothing to him, which made me even more devastated. I went to drop off his things a few nights ago and realized that him acting so cold was just a front he was putting up, and I could tell that he was just as devastated as I was. I think they truly do care for us, but they need this space to fight their demons on their own.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm so sorry @Wastinglight ! How are you holding up?

 

[Sighs]

Thinking of you @Wastinglight - hoping you have somewhere to go and people to be with you.

Feel free to PM me if you like.

 

[Wastinglight]

I feel like I've been hit by a bus, @Sweetpea76. We didn't say much this morning. I am still half-hoping that he will change his mind once his anxiety subsides, but I don't really have any reason to believe that this will happen.

If I had to guess, I suspect he will still hold firm to his decision, even when his symptoms subside. I don't know what to do - whether I should move out as soon as I am able, or wait for a week or so. I don't want to leave him alone when he is so distraught, but at the same time, he doesn't want me there - it's stressing him more, I think. I literally have nowhere to go, and I can't bring myself to go looking for rental houses - I'm too much of a mess right now.

I was wondering if I should contact his sister and ask her for advice on what to do. We have always been friendly, even though she lives interstate and we've never met in person. We do chat on Facebook from time to time. I am worried that I will only makes things worse if I do (although I don't think it's possible for it to get any worse if he doesn't change his mind), and it's possible he's turned her against me. He might see it as a further betrayal of his privacy. His parents live just down the road from my work, but I think it would be a bad idea for me to talk to them. We used to get on well, but from what he said yesterday, it sounds like he's been building a case against me for weeks now (although it wouldn't be the first time he's talked complete bullshit - I have to be careful about taking his word as gospel when he's symptomatic).

What do you think? Should I contact his sister?

 

[Sighs]

I wouldn't talk to his sister or his parents. In my opinion it would make him LESS likely to change his mind not more.

I would spend as much time away from him as possible - give him all the space he asked for and then some. If he misses you he might reach out. If not, well - there's your answer. Sorry to be so blunt, but there's no point in sugar coating it.

Hugs again!

 

[Wastinglight]

I wouldn't talk to his sister or his parents. In my opinion it would make him LESS likely to change his m...

Thank you @Sighs. This is my gut feeling as well. I don't have anywhere to go but I will just play it by ear. He said I don't have to move out straightaway but I suspect he's counting the seconds until I leave.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'd maybe go check into a hotel for a few days and see if a little distance would help. It's so hard when you know they're symptomatic... I usually err on the side of taking mine's word for it.

Can you discuss anything practical with him now, or is he all over the place?

 

[Wastinglight]

I'd maybe go check into a hotel for a few days and see if a little distance would help. It's so hard...

Unfortunately I don't have the money for a hotel right now - and I will need to hold on to all the money I have to pay the bond on a new rental place when I move out. But I definitely feel that giving him all the space I can will help reduce his anxiety (although I don't think this will result in him changing his mind about the break-up - he seems pretty certain that it's what he wants... but then again, he seemed pretty certain that he loved me last Thursday).

I can't get a good read on exactly how he is travelling right now, but generally when I ask if he's okay and he replies "I don't know", like he did this morning, it's usually a sign that he's totally not coping.

I've only told a couple of friends but they have both rallied around me, which helps. I am thinking about going out to a movie tonight, although I might not - there's every chance I will end up bawling my eyes out in the cinema - like I did in the supermarket this morning. Not a good look.

 

[Sighs]

Go see a tear jerker movie - then you have an excuse for the bawling! I'd rather be out and away from him than in the spare bedroom trying to hide the sound of the sobs.

Give yourself some space too. Hugs again!