So, things have been mellowing out around here lately! My N. is back and has found something really positive to work on, also had court today regarding the ex. I'm pretty excited all the "evidence" I've been gathering has paid off! Protection order is now in place and he has to have supervised visitation with our son, which in itself a huge relief because he does also lose his temper with the little guy in scary ways. My stress levels dropped so dramtically today I haven't been able to wipe the smile off my face :) Hopefully this is just the beginning of a long upswing in my life.
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- Post starter kahlan
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- #2
Of course as usual good things don't last long with me. Just when things start looking up the rug gets pulled in very nasty ways. Just got the we can only be friends from now forward line. I'm leaving it as that. Just want to.curl up in a corner and not come out as this was probably the most significant relationship I've been in. Anyway, just needed to veny this out.
Congratulations on the awesome outcome from your court hearing!! Protective order & supervised visitation. I'm certain that is a huge relief!
And UGH, I am so sorry about N. I have had that same thing happen to me with my two prior relationships (the ex-husband & J) - I just start to let my guard down a little bit and then the rug gets pulled out from under me. I am beginning to see that its ME - I am the one who is picking out these men. I see all the great things in them, but ignore the red flags because apparently I like to wear my rose colored glasses too much. I am doing a personal inventory on myself and going to try to figure out why I gravitate towards this type of man. There have been a few great men who have pursued me - they were so very nice and I know they would have been good for me. But nooooooooo, I have to pick the ones that I have to "fix" or whatever I'm looking for and trying to prove.
(didn't mean to hyjack your thread - just wanted you to know I get it)
Be kind to yourself.
And UGH, I am so sorry about N. I have had that same thing happen to me with my two prior relationships (the ex-husband & J) - I just start to let my guard down a little bit and then the rug gets pulled out from under me. I am beginning to see that its ME - I am the one who is picking out these men. I see all the great things in them, but ignore the red flags because apparently I like to wear my rose colored glasses too much. I am doing a personal inventory on myself and going to try to figure out why I gravitate towards this type of man. There have been a few great men who have pursued me - they were so very nice and I know they would have been good for me. But nooooooooo, I have to pick the ones that I have to "fix" or whatever I'm looking for and trying to prove.
(didn't mean to hyjack your thread - just wanted you to know I get it)
Be kind to yourself.
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- #4
No need to apologize. I needed that thank you. Spent half my night at work hiding out in the back room so no one would see me crying. The reason I got from him is utter b.s. Laid the blame squarely at my feet. Sorry that's not the case. I'm aware enough to take responsiblity for my actions but his skewed perceptions and lack of comunicating are to blame as well. Right now I'm feeling quite pathetic and pitiful because he's honestly the first person I've EVER let my guard down this much
for and I just want it to be ok when I know its not. Story of my life. I just don't get to be happy I guess.
for and I just want it to be ok when I know its not. Story of my life. I just don't get to be happy I guess.
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- #5
anthony
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Congrats @Kahlan on the court outcome... really positive news.
Sorry to hear about the partner issue... but hey, atleast you know he wasn't into you now and it didn't continue. Like I said recently to my step-son... someone always gets hurt in these things, because one is preparing to dump the other and the other is hit with it. Even when both parties say its mutual, one is always affected more negatively than the other, as one has typically had more time to emotionally prepare themselves for the end.
Breakups suck... and I'm glad you aren't beating yourself up for his BS. I look at past relationships for what they are... a part of my life that I have learnt lessons from, and well... I met Nicolette and knew what I wanted and what met me, and she was it. I had to go through lots of relationships prior though to understand what I know nowadays. Learn, mourn the relationship, and know there will be someone right for you who you will both treat one another as each other expects, and have a lasting relationship of equality.
Sorry to hear about the partner issue... but hey, atleast you know he wasn't into you now and it didn't continue. Like I said recently to my step-son... someone always gets hurt in these things, because one is preparing to dump the other and the other is hit with it. Even when both parties say its mutual, one is always affected more negatively than the other, as one has typically had more time to emotionally prepare themselves for the end.
Breakups suck... and I'm glad you aren't beating yourself up for his BS. I look at past relationships for what they are... a part of my life that I have learnt lessons from, and well... I met Nicolette and knew what I wanted and what met me, and she was it. I had to go through lots of relationships prior though to understand what I know nowadays. Learn, mourn the relationship, and know there will be someone right for you who you will both treat one another as each other expects, and have a lasting relationship of equality.
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- #6
I'm trying really hard to look at it that way, honestly, but I really don't think I can handle ever letting someone getting that far under my walls. The thing is is that he's exactly what I've always wanted, of course with a few extra rough edges because of his ptsd, but as usual anything I seem to do falls flat. Right now cosidering my options of becoming either a nun or a crazy cat lady lol. It's really hard but I'm still trying to be strong for my little boy, who I think knows somethings up because he's been all about hugs and cuddles lately:), but its so hard to not break down and cry all day long.
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- #7
Today I'm angry. I feel like I've wasted the last 6months on him. All the free time I could have been doing other things instead spent trying to learn about his ptsd, all the holding back my own problems because I didn't want to stress him out, the friendship now ruined all because my one request for a day or so to get my head straight after his running off with a death wish was turned into me abandoning him. He's an idiot. I still love the jerk because I know underneath all the sh!t of his ptsd he is an amazing person and don't know if he comes back if I'm strong enough to say no. I'm torn with sending one last message getting this off my chest or just letting it go. Last night I actually slept because i wrote all this down then burned it. It was just enough to slow down my racing brain. I just don't know if saying what I want to say will work the way I want it to
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- #8
anthony
Founder
If you love someone, and they love you, then fighting for that love is not a bad thing. If you love him and he doesn't love you, then that is a different story. IMO, there is fighting and there is desperation. If you don't cross into the latter and make sacrifices you aren't 100% happy to make, then fighting is worthwhile for atleast you know it wasn't you who gave up on the relationship. At some point though you obviously have to walk away and let go, regardless of what he wants. People who walk away can often confuse the other fighting for the relationship as a need for wanting them at any cost... and the person may become cocky and use the relationship as casual sex or such to help them get through it, yet all the time you are thinking there is more coming... when in fact he may not be able to commit anything more than what you see.
Relationships are just tricky IMHO... a lot of communication on both sides is needed to work together.
Relationships are just tricky IMHO... a lot of communication on both sides is needed to work together.
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- #9
That's the problem. I honestly feel that he ended it not because he's not into me but because something I said got twisted into I was second guessing the relationship which I wasn't. He ended it before I could in his mind. I mean I'm not naive. enough to not think I could be wrong that he's been stringing me along, but that doesn't feel right. Either way I've stopped any communication that isn't necessary so the ball is in his court now, I'm feeling better since I
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- #11
Actually got a reply from him today. Wasn't much but I mentioned it to a mutual friend while asking (rhetorically) why I'm so hung up on someone who has hurt me so bad.
"Because he's a good man and you think you can fix him," Got me thinking though. In my head I know I can't fix him but that doesn't stop me from wanting to make everything easier for him to make himself better. Is it a bad thing? I don't know. I know I need to maintain myself, hard to most days since I'm a hot mess, to even begin to think about helping him. Its all so confusing. It didn't help that this friend let slip a drunken conversation they had that only reinforced what I thought...him pushing me before I could push him. Right now I'm just going to take it as it comes and try not to expect too much. As always my kid comes first. That's what is really important no matter how much I want to be with N.
"Because he's a good man and you think you can fix him," Got me thinking though. In my head I know I can't fix him but that doesn't stop me from wanting to make everything easier for him to make himself better. Is it a bad thing? I don't know. I know I need to maintain myself, hard to most days since I'm a hot mess, to even begin to think about helping him. Its all so confusing. It didn't help that this friend let slip a drunken conversation they had that only reinforced what I thought...him pushing me before I could push him. Right now I'm just going to take it as it comes and try not to expect too much. As always my kid comes first. That's what is really important no matter how much I want to be with N.
You are in my head!
THIS is why I still talk to J ~ this is why I keep flip flopping in my thinking ~ and this is my driving force to work hard on myself so I can make the best decision for me! Like you, my children always come first and because I have daughters I feel like I really need to tread lightly. I don't want them to think its okay to have someone hurt you, break up with you and then you get back with them. I don't want them to think that is a good cycle - so even if J and I try again I need to be careful. So - it may not be worth it because my daughters are the most important people in my life. My kids do know J has PTSD, although they don't know exactly what that means they do know that stress causes him to have mental health breakdowns. (my daughters are both teenagers) So they do sort of get it - they know that its not 100% J's fault. But I don't want a revolving door in my house for him either.
THIS is why I still talk to J ~ this is why I keep flip flopping in my thinking ~ and this is my driving force to work hard on myself so I can make the best decision for me! Like you, my children always come first and because I have daughters I feel like I really need to tread lightly. I don't want them to think its okay to have someone hurt you, break up with you and then you get back with them. I don't want them to think that is a good cycle - so even if J and I try again I need to be careful. So - it may not be worth it because my daughters are the most important people in my life. My kids do know J has PTSD, although they don't know exactly what that means they do know that stress causes him to have mental health breakdowns. (my daughters are both teenagers) So they do sort of get it - they know that its not 100% J's fault. But I don't want a revolving door in my house for him either.
I also think this about myself from time to time. I stop myself when I can because its not true - we all deserve happiness. YOU deserve happiness Kahlan.
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