One day at a time

[willhealeventually]

I’m trying to remind myself to hover above that threshold of depression. It takes so much effort just to avoid sinking to what feels like a point of no return.
I hate myself even though I try to act like I don’t. I hate that I can’t live up to my dream of being the calm, poised individual in all situations. At work, I still try to salvage tough situations within the team but at the cost of getting caught in the crossfire. I have a savior complex when all I really want to do is save myself.
I hate that I can’t trust anyone or really connect to anyone. I hate being myself while knowing it is not a good enough persona for where I work. I am the dumbest smart person. I am embarrassing. I have no boundaries.
I have no one to talk to - at home or at work, and my therapist has been unavailable for several months.
I think I try to convince myself that I am fine, ok. But the smallest setback makes me feel like a loser.
I am at a point where I am afraid if hope for being at peace with myself because I never measure up.
I believe that most people get away with their gaffs or imperfections, but that mine will cost me my job. I wait for someone to fire me because I can be awkward.
It’s not as bad as it sounds, but I can’t accept that I am ok. In a few days I am likely to get really depressed - I know the signs.
I screw up whatever I touch - that’s the belief I live with. It is at my core. It is painful to feel so misplaced and broken. I can’t seem to accept who I am no matter how hard I try to stop kicking myself.
Thank you for listening.

 

[Survivor3]

I’m trying to remind myself to hover above that threshold of depression. It takes so much effort just to avoid sinking to what feels like a point of no return.
I hate myself even though I try to act like I don’t. I hate that I can’t live up to my dream of being the calm, poised individual in all situations. At work, I still try to salvage tough situations within the team but at the cost of getting caught in the crossfire. I have a savior complex when all I really want to do is save myself.
I hate that I can’t trust anyone or really connect to anyone. I hate being myself while knowing it is not a good enough persona for where I work. I am the dumbest smart person. I am embarrassing. I have no boundaries.
I have no one to talk to - at home or at work, and my therapist has been unavailable for several months.
I think I try to convince myself that I am fine, ok. But the smallest setback makes me feel like a loser.
I am at a point where I am afraid if hope for being at peace with myself because I never measure up.
I believe that most people get away with their gaffs or imperfections, but that mine will cost me my job. I wait for someone to fire me because I can be awkward.
It’s not as bad as it sounds, but I can’t accept that I am ok. In a few days I am likely to get really depressed - I know the signs.
I screw up whatever I touch - that’s the belief I live with. It is at my core. It is painful to feel so misplaced and broken. I can’t seem to accept who I am no matter how hard I try to stop kicking myself.
Thank you for listening.

Your not alone. I feel many of the things that you have described. I too can be socially awkward and battle with depression and low self esteem. It can get really tough. I'm sorry that you feel this way and hope you feel better soon. Try to focus on the positives and know that even though you feel down... People value you and need and want to be around you. All the best to you. S3.

 

[Deanna]

Get another therapist.. Pronto! If you can feel yourself sinking, that is a sure, tell-all. You don't want to be without job again! Google several therapists!

Anytime you feel like you can't talk... Or have anyone to talk too.. Post here. There is a thousand ways people do something, to achieve the same results. But really, get another therapist. This one is not present for u and this is getting into the crucial stage

 

[Survivor3]

Get another therapist.. Pronto! If you can feel yourself sinking, that is a sure, tell-all. You don't want to be without job again! Google several therapists!

Anytime you feel like you can't talk... Or have anyone to talk too.. Post here. There is a thousand ways people do something, to achieve the same results. But really, get another therapist. This one is not present for u and this is getting into the crucial stage

Totally agree. You need to find another therapist.

 

[willhealeventually]

I finally heard back from the therapist and have an appointment set up. Thank you both!

 

[Survivor3]

I finally heard back from the therapist and have an appointment set up. Thank you both!

that's great news.

 

[Deanna]

Yeah.. That is really good news. Glad u got an appt. Going too long is not good for u. PTSD is like a virus that won't go away. All that pent up ( whatever, pick one) starts to multiply and we'll go blind! :laugh:

 

[pam4him]

Don't let the world fool you, we all have our imperfections. Some just hide it better than others. We may not see it at work, but when some people get home, they may fall apart just as you describe for yourself. I believe there are things you do quite well at work and for yourself. I'm sorry the therapist is unavailable. Perhaps you could try this: challenge yourself to journal something you do write. Start with 1 thing the 1st day, 2 things the second day, and so on. This will change your focus from "everything wrong" which I doubt is true, to realizing there are things you do quite well. You can start small, such as I arrived at work on time, I made it to work completely dressed with hair and makeup done and teeth brushed. May sound a little silly, but it really is a mind change that can lead to bigger successes. Prayers for peace.