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Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

Damn... now you're making me cry.

I have EMDR this afternoon. That is, if he doesn't cancel after he finds out insurance hasn't paid him since January.

I guess I'll go to work, and try to make it through the day. Thanks for always being there @somerandomguy
Hope your day was better. My go to statement- when shix falls apart or happens-I remind myself “This is just a moment in time” and
In the end, after waiting-it always does....eventually or I “find a way.” This phrase, that I say aloud, helps me from going dark and deep and staying there. Sending you positive energy!
 
Hope your day was better. My go to statement- when shix falls apart or happens-I remind myself “This is just a moment in time” and
In the end, after waiting-it always does....eventually or I “find a way.” This phrase, that I say aloud, helps me from going dark and deep and staying there. Sending you positive energy!

Thanks. Yeah, it improved... I finally got up the nerve to call the Insurance Company, and the person I sort of went nuts on calmly told me that it can take a month for them to pay, but I shouldn't worry... They definitely didn't stop paying for therapy.

I felt relief, but also embarrassed to have over-reacted on here.

And then I had EMDR... The feelings and emotions that came up wiped me out again. I spent the whole session crying. Remembering that as a kid I used to punch my fist through walls and doors - and I'd get beaten for doing it.... and suddenly remembering wanting to die while he was choking and raping me...

I'm sorry that this is so dark... I think I'm sort of in a flashback.... Remembering EMDR is bringing the feelings back...
 
And the hits just keep on coming.... I've had the most intense flashbacks I've ever had.... Remembering new things.... that I don't want to be true...

At least a flashback a day, and today I've had three... I don't want to put the pieces together.... it hurts too much.... Each time, I'm back there..... and feeling more and more... I hurt everywhere.... I need to stop.... Can't handle it
 
Today has just about killed me. But I remembered the “smelling salts” like lavender, so I got out my little bottle of “Christmas Wreath” and took a sniff. That ended the flashback. Fast.

It’s been intense the last few days. We went and saw the IMAX documentary Apollo 11. Which I remember watching live on TV as a kid. In 1968. When I was 7. The year the abuse started.

The movie was real footage. In color. Of 1968. I spent an hour and a half loving the film, but also fighting off flashbacks the whole time.

And then. I don’t remember if I mentioned that I started watching Leaving Neverland a couple of days ago. The first hour, I thought, wow, it’s not bugging me at all. Then the first guy started to talk about sex.

I suddenly crashed and burned. I saw about five minutes of the guy talking about his abuse. As he started talking, I was back in it. It was so f*cking terrifying.

Five minutes of an interview, and then probably 5 hours of flashbacks.

I didn’t know what else to do except come here. I need to sleep I think. I’m exhausted.

Thanks. :hug:
 
Going to finally go back to the gym this morning... When I got my new tattoo last week I forgot I wouldn't be able to work out until it was healed enough... Along with all the flashbacks, I haven't been able to exercise at all.

I'm realizing that going to the gym really lowers my stress levels.... and around now is probably a good time to do that... I'm feeling on edge - like I'm ready to escape at any minute... and that's before coffee... ughh.

Thanks @somerandomguy
 
Going to finally go back to the gym this morning... When I got my new tattoo last week I forgot I wouldn't be able to work out until it was healed enough... Along with all the flashbacks, I haven't been able to exercise at all.

I'm realizing that going to the gym really lowers my stress levels.... and around now is probably a good time to do that... I'm feeling on edge - like I'm ready to escape at any minute... and that's before coffee... ughh.

Thanks @somerandomguy
Yeah- I got brave and went to water aerobics and got hit on by the instructor. Haven’t been in weeks. No is a simple word- I just am not a bar, drinking, dancing and karaoke kinda person and her job at her work was to instruct- not hit on her clients. Traveling a bit now- but want to get back to class too.It balances out my brain’s chemistry.
Good luck!
 
Yeah- I got brave and went to water aerobics and got hit on by the instructor. Haven’t been in weeks. No is a simple word- I just am not a bar, drinking, dancing and karaoke kinda person and her job at her work was to instruct- not hit on her clients. Traveling a bit now- but want to get back to class too.It balances out my brain’s chemistry.
Good luck!

That would be really frustrating. Hopefully there's a class taught by someone else who acts professionally you can go to, @Wilbur. I think working out is good for us - when there aren't jerks involved...
 
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