Anonymous Asked: What advice can you give on how to open up to friends about having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (Link Removed)?
Response:
Let me start by saying that this is far from a simple answer, as there is no singular correct answer. There are many positives and negatives that may arise when disclosing mental health, so I'm commencing this answer with a definition.
Prejudice: a preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience.
To be human is, more often than not, to have preconceptions on many facets of life. Our ease of access to information provides us subjective data on any topic. You may choose to research further and obtain many perspectives, granting yourself a larger pool of information to improve accuracy. You may do nothing, sticking with your original opinion.
Mental health is a topic that comes with prejudice. Worse yet, [DLMURL="http://ivn.us/2015/01/29/media-disservice-veterans-sensationalizing-ptsd-stories/"]PTSD is the medias diagnosis of the decade for sensationalism[/DLMURL]. The media prejudices populations with sensationalised, or limited, aspects of PTSD.
This brings us to the next phase of the answer. Knowing the above, your friends likely have some prejudice about PTSD or mental health in general. Even having PTSD, many have prejudice about severity. This means you need to know what you're going to say on two primary facets:
So what do you tell them? Here is the tricky part that I outlined at the start; there is no singular correct answer, just as there is no right answer as to when you tell them. If you aren't sure what to tell them, then my only advice would be to write it down, edit, and run it past others with PTSD for feedback.
My only direct advice for this entire subject would be, don't complicate the process of telling them. That means they're already your friend and they accept who you are, you know something about them and your interaction with them (and vice versa). Use that information to structure when and how you tell them.
For example, if you don't sit down and have Deep and Meaningful (D&M) conversations about life, love and philosophy with them, then don't try and have one for this conversation. By doing something different, such as a D&M, you alienate the normalcy of your friendship and isolate this discussion to something different than all other discussions. Make it part of your normal friendship routine--nothing more, nothing less. Vice versa applies in that if your relationship is built on D&M conversation, don't be flippant with this conversation, lest you alienate this conversation as different within your friendship.
I will offer a recent example in my own life regarding a new mate I see regularly, have some beers with and go out to events with. The first night we had beers together and were talking about our lives, I told him I was ex-military and that I got PTSD from operational tours, struggled with it for several years prior, now have a grasp of it and live a fairly normal life. He told me he has a grandfather with whom he is close who has PTSD from war. His grandfather is pretty badly affected at present, and he has a decent understanding of PTSD as a result. That was the totality of the conversation, and we see each once or twice weekly and have a good time. My only want was for him to know that about me. Nothing more, nothing less.
From my past, many a friend knew I got PTSD from operations. A handful are still good friends to this day. As for the rest, we drifted apart and no longer communicate.
My point is that by telling anyone within your circle of life, whether family or friend, you have to be prepared that each person is going to make their own decision, of which they have every right based upon their own life experience and who they deem positive or negative to have in their life. They may be your friend of significant time, and they may choose that nothing has changed, or they may choose they don't want someone with PTSD in their life, around their children or any variety of outcomes. You must accept that they have a right to make their own decision based on the information you give them, and that their decision is just that--their own to make. Your only role is to accept their decision following your choice to tell them of your PTSD.
My final point, and possibly the most important point, is that when you decide to tell a friend that you have PTSD, you have to accept that once that information is given that it is no longer within your control. Many a person ask for privacy, expect it even, yet how many times have you repeated something yourself, or had another repeat something to you which was told to them in privacy? To be human is to be imperfect. People talk, some more than others. If you aren't willing for that information to be public, then the answer is to always keep it to yourself.
I apologize that this answer is more indirect than direct, but the scope and possibilities are unlimited. This is why I outlined key points that you may ponder, having informed decisions going into such a conversation. Your conversation can total a few minutes, or an hour, hence an indirect answer. There is what I consider a [DLMURL="http://casapalmera.com/ways-to-support-someone-with-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/"]quality list of 16 items[/DLMURL] that you can use to discuss with your friend at the time, depending on what you want from your friend. The list is irrelevant for simple wants, yet relevant if you want support from them.
I believe reading input from the following discussion should provide some interesting experience.
Everyday Feminism has an article containing [DLMURL="http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/friends-discussing-sexual-violence/"]six steps to talking with friends about sexual abuse[/DLMURL], which may help for additional information, regardless the traumatic event itself.
Response:
Let me start by saying that this is far from a simple answer, as there is no singular correct answer. There are many positives and negatives that may arise when disclosing mental health, so I'm commencing this answer with a definition.
Prejudice: a preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience.
To be human is, more often than not, to have preconceptions on many facets of life. Our ease of access to information provides us subjective data on any topic. You may choose to research further and obtain many perspectives, granting yourself a larger pool of information to improve accuracy. You may do nothing, sticking with your original opinion.
Mental health is a topic that comes with prejudice. Worse yet, [DLMURL="http://ivn.us/2015/01/29/media-disservice-veterans-sensationalizing-ptsd-stories/"]PTSD is the medias diagnosis of the decade for sensationalism[/DLMURL]. The media prejudices populations with sensationalised, or limited, aspects of PTSD.
This brings us to the next phase of the answer. Knowing the above, your friends likely have some prejudice about PTSD or mental health in general. Even having PTSD, many have prejudice about severity. This means you need to know what you're going to say on two primary facets:
- What it is exactly that you're going to tell them, and
- Be prepared to answer any range of questions asked, openly and honestly.
- What do I want from this person by giving this information?
So what do you tell them? Here is the tricky part that I outlined at the start; there is no singular correct answer, just as there is no right answer as to when you tell them. If you aren't sure what to tell them, then my only advice would be to write it down, edit, and run it past others with PTSD for feedback.
My only direct advice for this entire subject would be, don't complicate the process of telling them. That means they're already your friend and they accept who you are, you know something about them and your interaction with them (and vice versa). Use that information to structure when and how you tell them.
For example, if you don't sit down and have Deep and Meaningful (D&M) conversations about life, love and philosophy with them, then don't try and have one for this conversation. By doing something different, such as a D&M, you alienate the normalcy of your friendship and isolate this discussion to something different than all other discussions. Make it part of your normal friendship routine--nothing more, nothing less. Vice versa applies in that if your relationship is built on D&M conversation, don't be flippant with this conversation, lest you alienate this conversation as different within your friendship.
I will offer a recent example in my own life regarding a new mate I see regularly, have some beers with and go out to events with. The first night we had beers together and were talking about our lives, I told him I was ex-military and that I got PTSD from operational tours, struggled with it for several years prior, now have a grasp of it and live a fairly normal life. He told me he has a grandfather with whom he is close who has PTSD from war. His grandfather is pretty badly affected at present, and he has a decent understanding of PTSD as a result. That was the totality of the conversation, and we see each once or twice weekly and have a good time. My only want was for him to know that about me. Nothing more, nothing less.
From my past, many a friend knew I got PTSD from operations. A handful are still good friends to this day. As for the rest, we drifted apart and no longer communicate.
My point is that by telling anyone within your circle of life, whether family or friend, you have to be prepared that each person is going to make their own decision, of which they have every right based upon their own life experience and who they deem positive or negative to have in their life. They may be your friend of significant time, and they may choose that nothing has changed, or they may choose they don't want someone with PTSD in their life, around their children or any variety of outcomes. You must accept that they have a right to make their own decision based on the information you give them, and that their decision is just that--their own to make. Your only role is to accept their decision following your choice to tell them of your PTSD.
My final point, and possibly the most important point, is that when you decide to tell a friend that you have PTSD, you have to accept that once that information is given that it is no longer within your control. Many a person ask for privacy, expect it even, yet how many times have you repeated something yourself, or had another repeat something to you which was told to them in privacy? To be human is to be imperfect. People talk, some more than others. If you aren't willing for that information to be public, then the answer is to always keep it to yourself.
I apologize that this answer is more indirect than direct, but the scope and possibilities are unlimited. This is why I outlined key points that you may ponder, having informed decisions going into such a conversation. Your conversation can total a few minutes, or an hour, hence an indirect answer. There is what I consider a [DLMURL="http://casapalmera.com/ways-to-support-someone-with-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/"]quality list of 16 items[/DLMURL] that you can use to discuss with your friend at the time, depending on what you want from your friend. The list is irrelevant for simple wants, yet relevant if you want support from them.
I believe reading input from the following discussion should provide some interesting experience.
Everyday Feminism has an article containing [DLMURL="http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/friends-discussing-sexual-violence/"]six steps to talking with friends about sexual abuse[/DLMURL], which may help for additional information, regardless the traumatic event itself.
