Opinions Required

[Mandy Tad]

Hi everyone, need an opinion I dont know why I am doing this but your feedback would be much appreciated.

I was a victim of bullying at work for nearly 3 years. A year back I was made redundant. anyways I began to look for work and found a great new job. However on the first day at the new workplace I was having flashbacks and visions of the old workplace and had a meltdown, later to be diagnosed with PTSD. I had no choice but to walk away from the new job.

Its been around 6 months now and I am still struggling to piece together my life.

Since the past month I have this urge to explain to the people who had hired me why I actually left the new job after 1 day. I had lied earlier and told them that I had a major dental problem and was advised I could not work for atleast a month.

I have found it extremely difficult to come to terms with having to walk away from a new job/career that I so much wanted. I dont know how to move on.. and accept it.

In the past week, I have written a letter to the new company explaining the real reason (PTSD and bullying ) why I had to leave the job, but friends have advised me it is inappropriate for me to send it as it is a corporate world.

It feels right for me and I feel I need to do it. I am torn between wanting to do it and the advice given to me. I dont really care what these people will think of me, I just need to find some peace in moving on and maybe this is one of the ways. any suggestions? How did you come to terms with PTSD and what did you do to overcome this.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Mandy Tad,

I am sorry that that happened to you.

This is a tricky one. I can see where both you and your friends are coming from.

It might be worth investigating more thoroughly what it is that you need or want to get out of telling. What function will it serve? What do you hope for? What other possible consequences could there be and how would they impact you?

I have told employers a little and have also told a bullying employer why I was leaving. Neither was helpful in any other way than that I had to do it for my self respect at the time. I needed to try to gain back some sense of authenticity.

But do carefully consider all possible consequences and motives/expectations. I have found that that is so important as at least I went in with my eyes open.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Mandy, I think workplace bullying is becoming very common. I commend you for sticking it out as long as you did. But now you have to deal with the aftermath. It has changed your life. Workplace bullying is insidious. It actually destroys so much good that was in you.

I do not think you need to come clean with the company and tell them the real reason. You do need alot of help and support. I think the forums are a good place for you to come and tell. Mabe you could start a trauma diary here and write about your experiences here and get help and support.

I imagine you feel like your story needs to be told. But what is appropriate. I know you probably wish you could have gotten some kind of justice. I do not know how you managed to stay and stick it out for so long. You must have alot of inner strength, and character.

I personally do not think it is a good idea to contact the last place that you worked. It is none of their buisiness. I do not understand why you want to write this letter. Go ahead and write it but do not send it. If you want to get another job you will have to list this company on your application and they will give a referal. They had nothing to do with the bullying that happened to you. I wish you the best. My heart goes out to you. It will take awhile to process and heal from this one. But it is possible. I am guessing you may feel disintegrated inside. I wish you the best in whatever you choose. You have to do what you have to do.

Take really good care of yourself. You deserve real good. Good luck.

 

[Mandy Tad]

Hi Gizmo, I ask myself that question every time, why did I stick at the old workplace, inner strength? Character? Never let someone get me down? Because of family commitments? Nothing makes any sense after what happened at the new job.

I am crying right now after reading your words. What happened has made me feel worthless, I am not a fit person anymore. How could someone who loved her life, who loved what she did and who enjoyed her life being with people end up like this.

Just back from a session with my psychologist, I told him I want to forget the past, just erase it, I dont care anymore I just cannot take another day with thoughts coming into my mind. He explained its like an ocean you enter the cold water and have 2 choices - 1 to walk away from the cold water and 2, jump right in it and work on the thoughts. I dont want to work on the thoughts I have tried many times, I now want to erase it completely. What happened has hurt me so much.

I should be out there working and enjoying my life and not having to fear be frightened and enjoying a new job that I worked towards getting was so proud of myself for achieving this great job. If I had know that the bullying would do this to me today I would have walked away. Is standing up for yourself so wrong? I dont know anymore what I am doing? I must be going insane

I have come to a stage where I need to find some way to move on and tell myself it is okay what happened at the new job. writing this letter is something I felt I need to do. I really do not care what they think, I am trying to find a way to move on... but since 2 of you have stated it is not a wise idea too.. maybe then I am wrong again! proven that once again, I am making the wrong decision. I made the wrong decision to stay on at the old workplace and fight the bullies rather than walk away, I made the wrong decision to go to work when the docs said I was not ready, now I have got a new job and want to pull out cos I am frightened and the docs think I am ready.. I dont know anything anymore.. seems like everything I am doing is all wrong

 

[Mandy Tad]

Hi Mandy Tad,

I am sorry that that happened to you.

Hi Abstract,

As I said before closure to move on and put this away in my past. I have dealt with friends dying, experienced bomb scares, not wondering if I would be able to see my family at the end of the day, but to see people from my old workplace at a new workplace and have that affect me, I cannot seem to put away in the past and move forward.

I dont know why and I am crying out for someone to explain this to me, the fright, the fear that I face today is not something I can express in writing, just hate myself even more.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Oh Mandy you are not wrong. I would caution you about being hard on yourself. It will only make you feel worse. You did the best you could against a stacked deck. You were dealt a lousy hand of cards. You did your best. You tried to fight back but you were outnumbered. This happens so much in our world. You are not alone.

I really feel for you. I was bullied by some religous people. It destroyed me for years. They never saw or heard me when I did fight back. They had their own agenda and what they wanted. My husband worked at a place xwhere the employees were so afraid of rocking the boat.

I wish it was simple to get your life and spirit back. But you sound broken and you will have to heal from that, and that will take time and hard work on yourself. Read what you can find about bullying and you will find that you were a target because you are exceptional and really shine and do a great job. That is usually how it works. It affects your coping skills very much.

It is going to take some time for you to heal. Get it out of you. Talk about what they did to you. Things will begin to click as the pieces begin to fit together. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could give you a big hug. You will heal from this. You will one day begin to feel better. The truth will become very clear to you and you will see you were a victim of insidiousness.

It will get better, it will just take time. Big hugs.

 

[Mandy Tad]

Hi Gizmo, thank you for your kind words, I dont know why but reading your words made me cry. Everyone says I am being hard on myself, I dont understand that. Its been a year since I left that job but to date what happened there and at the new place hurts me. Today my psychologist played a game with me, role play. I had to pretend to be him and he pretended to be me and I had to say something to help him feel better. I told him to go and kill himself. I have heard give it time, let it heal.. I just want to erase it out of my memory

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Yes I know what you mean about erasing it out of your memory. I call it a branding experience. It will leave big scars. I am so sorry for all the hell you have gone through. There is hope and there is healing but you have to grieve and mourn the losses you have suffered. That is the painful part. It is a death of so many things. I remember wanting it to never have happened. I was so hard on myself. I was beating up on myself for being so naive, so gullible, and so vulnerable, and desperately needy.

I had to make peace with myself. I was their victim. They will continue to do this to people the rest of their lives. I am just so glad they are out of my life. I do not have them triggering me anymore. My life is peaceful now. I know it was because you were so good at what you did that you were targeted. You were chosen by a predator and victimized. It was not your fault. You are innocent. You did nothing wrong. You were their victim. The blame lies with them.

When you begin to feel angry you will start to realize alot of the truth of what happened to you. I felt like a haunted house for years. I had no support for what I went through. I am doing emdr and have been working on those memories and I see them clearly as the flakes they are. I am not bothered anymore about what happened to me.

This is why I say healing will come to you. You will not always feel this way. Big hugs.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Mandy,

I actually really was not saying it was a bad idea at all but just wanting you to go carefully and make decisions with understanding so you don't risk getting hurt even more! The questions were not meant as judgements at all and just merely ways for you to consider all eventualities.

I think I am understanding that the letter is not to the place that actually harmed you but rather to the place of work you attempted to go to after the first one and where your symptoms all reared their heads? That you feel that explaining why you left after just one day is important to your healing and somehow is standing up for yourself?

I totally understand needing to say something despite not knowing how it will be received or what repercussions there may be. I have certainly done this for me in certain contexts and for me it was worthwhile as I really felt I needed to do it. Even though there was fallout from doing so. It was the right thing for me even though I wish I had not needed to do so. I would not change it.

I so understand your feelings of doubt in your needs or opinions! Bullying does this to us. I have had three bad work situations and they happened one after the other and devastated me. I am very much with you about questioning why I stayed when others didn't and why I did not realise what was happening. The worst and first one I stayed for five years and it is hard to understand.

You so deserve to listen to what you think and feel and it is OK to trust yourself. I just wanted you to be prepared if you were hoping for validation or understanding in response as sometimes that happens but sometimes people can be awful and ignorant and judging in my experience.

I so hope you can validate your hurt and pain at some point. I know I can't do that with myself and am very abusive and invalidating to myself. I have internalised the bullying from childhood and after and continue it. This affected and affects you as people purposely eroding your self worth and humanity in a trapped environment is eroding to our very selves! I know for me I felt I was almost being erased as a human being.

I am so sorry that people did this to you and your feelings and hurt are very valid. Much care to you.

 

[Mandy Tad]

Gizmo, I have been attending psychologist sessions since April when the incident happened every week. The only relief I get is I can vent my feelings, I cry and cry at the sessions. Since the past 2 sessions my crying has got much less.. feel so much better.. the psychologist must be thinking I must be insane..

I thought I was getting better and then I had another strong flashback which freaked me out, and wanted to jump in front of the train. I am scared how to handle myself if I get the flashbacks again! I am so scared. I am afraid I may just do it in that state. I find I have no control on myself then.

 

[JustBe]

Mandy, you are a strong person and will come out the other side of this into the sunshine. I believe in you.

 

[Mandy Tad]

Movin on, It is the strong person that is broken forever. I know deep down I will never be the same again