General Outside Activities & Ptsd- Need Feedback, Please!

[angel2write]

I feel like I could use some advice from you supporter-types on this particular question, if it's ok for me to post here.

I will try to be brief:

My husband, BigBear, is involved in a robotics club. With our oldest son. And I think the club is a great opportunity for both of them to do something fun, technical, and college application-building.

However... the stress of the thing is driving me crazy. (Well, crazier. :rolleyes:) The meetings pop up suddenly. Many things are scheduled at the last second. For six to ten weeks the meetings are nearly continuous- meeting two or three or even four nights/days a week for hours.

There is also a lot of work done outside of the meetings. Bear disappears into his room or shop to build or make drawings or work on programming or prepare presentations. There are long days where he's at the shop with the boys and I have to take care of the family alone. In addition to his regular work hours. And he wants to talk to me about it all the time. Particularly about how badly run he thinks the club is and how upsetting it is to him. Which I have no way to fix, and not being able to fix it, it upsets me.

Teenage boys come over to the house to program and build things in my sitting room. Parts everywhere. Banging noises. Shouting and laughing. Strangers in and out of the house. Money spent on robot stuff that I don't always feel we have to spare.

Right now our extended families are in transition. My father and Bear's father both passed away in the last few months, leaving widowed mothers struggling with health and financial issues they need help with.

There is a LOT of pressure. A lot of stress.

OK- so my question:

I know Bear needs a life outside of taking care of me. He needs outside interests and outside friends. But I need calmness. A regular schedule. Time to help my sister care for my mother. Time to relax with my family, feel safe, and rest.

How do we balance his desire to participate in the Robotic's club, or scouts, or other outside interests, with my need for his care, time, protection and attention?

How unreasonable am I being by resenting this? And how on earth can we fix it?

Thanks for even taking the time to read this.

Angel

 

[maddog]

Angel.

Embarrassingly, I think I have absolutely nothing the least bit constructive to say to you. I have no supporter, no family and absolutely no comparable conflict or situation in my life.

But what I do have is a sense of your desperation and lostness and conflict and distress about this, and so I just wanted to send you a hug, and some empathy, and to just say that I'm thinking of you, and sorry you are experiencing this, and hope that others have more constructive feedback than this.

Maddog

 

[Zef]

That is a tough situation.

My first thought is the physical things you mentioned. Is there a way that the robotic stuff that he brings home with him can be done in a location where the noises and the strangers won't bother you? maybe some rules to keep the robot stuff downstairs, maybe some ways to sound-proof the room, maybe some way to have the teens come in through the back door or another entrance so they don't bother you?

If so, these could be relatively easy compromises for you and h to make.

The money and time situations are probably more difficult. The only advice I have is to try to find a way to have a non-conflictual conversation about it and see what each of you is willing to do to meet the needs of the other.

 

[kathryn]

Hi Angel,

This is not easy, anything PTSD related is never easy. Whether its you having to deal with the feeling of anxiety flooding your every reaction and dictating behavior or the guilt that accompanies that when you feel that your anxiety is stealing or taking away from the quality of life of the people around you.
I dont have kids of my own yet, so I cant even imagine how it must feel to negotiate between your needs and the needs of your family. In order for you to be able to be there for them you have to look after yourself. This is something that I personally struggle with a lot being newly married and wanting to be a good wife and partner to my husband!

My keys have been 'self soothing' (to do whatever I need to do to feel safe and ok), honesty and a solid routine. The situation you described with the robotics club would have been difficult for even the 'normal' person :) I tend to ask some of my friends or family members how they would react when Im not sure if Im reacting out of PTSD symptoms or just being a normal person having to deal with a challenging situation. From the feedback I got, your reacting very normally to challenging situation. Your PTSD aside, try and problem solve this like you dont have PTSD! Its ok to feel upset that your family doesn't have a solid routine and that teenangers are ransacking your house and leaving a mess! Talk to your family and discuss appropriate boundaries. Perhaps there is another area in the house that they can 'play' in?:)

Re your husband. This is difficult, I can relate. My husband sometimes treat me like im fragile glass and it annoys the living daylights out of me. Especially when its in those moments when my reaction to a situation is 'normal'. Its great that he has something that he gets to do that releases some stress however it still needs to fit within the function of the family unit.
As I said before, I dont have kids so im not sure how to negotiate activities in this family model, but maybe you might find this helpful:
My husband de-stress by playing HOURS of computer games with some of his mates. He usually game at a friends place so I dont have to deal with playing hostess to bunch of crazy guys and I make use of this time to do something I would like to do. Hanging out with girl friends or occupying myself with my hobby. Before the week starts we book all these things in our calendar so that I know what to expect and how to plan my week. We dont tend go of the calendar schedule unless im ok and happy to do something else. Also we make sure to book in a date night. Regardless of what happens during the week theres one night that I have him to myself without other interruptions. A difficult thing for me to wrap my head around was to realize my hubby is not my only 'life line' and he cant be. It will ruin our marriage if he is. Most of my social connections being ruined by my ptsd I had to work real hard to build a support network that does not revolve around my husband. I have my one friend, my psychologist. the local mental health team and other family members. Me spreading out my support network has meant my husband didnt need as much 'de stress' time away from me and he likes spending time with me more often and he is happy to turn of the computer and cuddle. But its still a work in progress :) nothing is perfect.

I hope this helps?

k

 

[LizardViolet]

Sounds like it's all about the boundaries here. Physical space boundaries (where kids can do construction and when, and where and when they can't). Time boundaries (how about you need the husband to be home / covering home fires a minimum number of hours a week, or a specific set of hours on specific days). Money boundaries (put the robotics stuff on a budget, X dollars per week or month or for the competition period and once he hits the budget limit, no more from your family, the kids participating have to pitch in if they want to buy anything else). Whatever boundaries you set allow him to still go all out with the robotics club, but also ensure you have the time and physical space you need, and don't feel like he's busting the budget.