Overcoming Self-hatred And It's Relation To Healing

[Tinyflame]

Justmehere got me thinking about this with her thread, but I didn't want to take it off topic. She mentioned her T suggested an 'Apology Letter' to one's self (thanks @Justmehere ).

In attempting to think of one in my head I have identified a problem. There are beliefs or views of myself I can identify as becoming internalized from abuse. There are words I can recall other's saying although I can't recall 'who'. I know of techniques for identifying and fighting the Inner Critic. I understand these are beliefs that all of us should challenge; they are functions and effects of internalizing other's actions and perpetuating abuse on ourselves, I get that and see the necessity and validity of challenging them.

But what about self-hatred that is not to be empathized with? That is, that is not due to other's input. (One might say "not due to being a 'victim' ", though I don't like that word). Or a self-hatred that seems warranted?

I find it very difficult to put in to words, but I can only give the following example: if you can, are you able to think of anyone you 'hate'? I actually find that difficult, I can think (sort of) of one person, but even then I don't care as long as they stay away from me or I'm not required to deal with them. I try to ask myself, why do I hate them? I think, what they did to me, how much fear and difficulty they caused. I try to 'forgive' it, realize I don't know much about them. But I probably fail in so far as that I really really don't like them (at best), in the present, or my present thoughts.

So I'm just wondering of the forum members, if you can relate to 'hating' anyone, and now imagine that is how you feel about yourself (which just like with another is pretty unrelenting if they are in your presence- just my experience), how does one deal with that? I cannot write an apology for what I feel is my own 'fault', or my own opinion (of myself), though I see the necessity in relation to healing, and self-actualizing.

It seems to be something greater than guilt (remorse for what I have done), but dislike of the 'person at their core' (the person being 'myself').

If this makes any sense at all to anyone, I would appreciate the discussion. I feel it may be something Veterans possibly understand or experience more frequently (and yes, I have tried to do exercises of 'apportion to blame'), although perhaps not because as I said it's not just about actions. It's about actions, inherent nature (for me), being unlovable, perhaps the unforgiveable which must be lived with for the rest of life, or an 'unforgiveable state of being' in terms of not being able to produce when given assistance, etc. (Or at least these are some of the 'words' I can find to express 'why' I hate (myself), maybe? )

Thank you!

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @Junebug. I'm going to have to challenge (in a very non threatening manner) what you refer to as "warranted" self hate....I don't think there is any self hate that is truly warranted. (Easier to say than to feel, I realize).

Many "messages" we learned growing up, and throughout our abuse, were not actually said directly to us but processed subconsciously. We may not even realize where these messages came from until we have done quite a bit of work in therapy...or perhaps at all. What is important is that we find a way to relearn and think of ourselves in kinder terms (I'm still struggling with this myself).

 

[arfie]

For me, this one remains in the peeling an onion analogy. Every layer I peel off reveals another layer. Give it lots and lots of time. Focus on the points of self-hatred that do make sense to you and revisit the confusing ones later.

Progress over perfection, Junebug. You don't need to do it all in a single sitting.

 

[Hope4Now]

I can relate to this. I don't have any words right now, but what you're saying resonates with me.

 

[Britt.f7]

I don't know. It's all confusing to me. There are two people I hate in life. One is now dead. The other is my sis in law. Unfortunately to the last one. Or I just greatly dislike them. However, I have never been as mean to anyone, I believe, then I have to myself. Even with people I hate, I cut them some slack, but I can't seem to do that with me. It is so black and white. I treat myself so poorly, overall. I have been trying to see a different Britt through my eyes, but have a hard time managing with the deep down feelings I have. I just want to quit looking at myself with such loathing. Most of it is physical, but I know that that is just a stand in for me. I'm trying to heal, but it won't happen until I get rid of that self loathing.

 

[Jane.l]

I get it too - I am into huge avoidance right now and I couldn't even read justmehere 's post or replies all the way through and the thought of writing myself a forgiveness letter makes me feel
Really really sick and totally overcome with anxiety .


I don't hate anyone else even people I would maybe have reason to hate - that's all just numb
I think the fact I can't even bear to read the posts is very telling .

But I am going through a really hard situation at the moment and not really sure which way is up .

 

[The Albatross]

I get very definite emotions but not hate. I think that largely stems out of my own lack of self worth or confidence. I'm not particularly confident about much of anything... even people that I don't like adamantly. Which is about the closest thing to hate, but I view it as a matter of preference I think, if that makes any dang sense at all.

I really have no idea where I got that from... most always being able to find something redeemable or esteem-able in the most disagreeable, obnoxious, offensive, even yes... abusive people. Like my ex husband and even most of my adult traumas. On some messed up level, I realized they were acting out something I think and that I just happened to be the target. A lot of it pretty much could have happened to anybody.

It didn't and therein the problem lies... but it is very difficult for me to "go there" with any conviction.

 

[Hope4Now]

I don't really, truly hate anyone I don't think. I mean in terms of wishing evil on them--which is how I guess I define hate.
I do hate a lot of ideas though. And there are things people do that I hate.

Do I hate myself? I've said before (or maybe just thought it) that I hate myself. Now, I'm reflecting on it a bit more, and from a psychological place that is a bit less extreme than it was earlier today. (Then, I would have definitely said I hate myself.) I definitely hate my body. I always have to greater or lesser extent. I think I went through many years without even looking in the mirror. I've been trying to look in the mirror more these past few months, but most times I feel pretty disconnected from who I see there.

But do I really hate myself? Maybe I do. The way my mind tortures me, and now my body too, seems to indicate that some part of me wishes evil on myself. Or at least thinks I deserve to suffer a lot without really telling me why. But I think deep down I don't really hate myself. I think I hate (or at least am very afraid of/angry with/resentful of) parts of myself, and I'm working on opening my heart to them a bit more...to explore what it is that's behind the way they're treating me/compelling me to treat myself. (If that makes sense).

And I'm doing all of this in a place where I am mostly numb emotionally. Makes it very challenging.

 

[Hope4future]

I relate to this at a core level. I don't have any advice, just empathy.

Sometimes the truth of my own worthlessness is so obvious I don't understand how anyone can see anything different. I'm sure my self-hatred is the biggest obstacle to my healing. I keep getting in my own way because I don't believe I deserve to be happy, to be loved, or to be free of pain.

I know that sounds wrong. Logically I can say that I'm not worthless, but that doesn't change the automatic reflex that says I'm bad.

Hope it helps to know you're not alone, that struggling with self-hatred is a part of this journey.

 

[shell]

Self compassion helped me face the remaining things that trigger self hatred, that aren't related to what I was made to feel about myself from the abuse. I'm more accepting that I am not perfect, nor do I need to be.

I hated that I stole as a child and would attack myself, 40 years since I stole but I was still attacking myself like it was yesterday, or that when I'm frightened I lie, or when I dissociate in therapy I'm useless and stupid and can't do anything right, or that when my husband rejects me and hurts me, it must be because I am a really horrible person etc... All these things trigger shame and beliefs of being worthless and spiral into self hatred etc.

Now I practise self compassion, when I finally calm down after the initial automatic reflex, so instead of the unrelenting torrent of self abuse, it is something more along the lines, yes that wasn't the best decision I've ever made, I'll do better next time. Or no one is perfect, or those same things I would say to a friend to comfort them. Is it empathizing to question whether we are actually blowing it out of proportion, and that if someone else did exactly the same thing would we treat them that way, I'm not sure.

The more I practise it, the more I have found my first automatic response is not always self hatred, sometimes I surprise myself.

I can't think of anyone I hate either, I do find a few people especially irritating if they are demanding and expect me to drop something straight away to do what they want, or if they act helpless but are adults, but I don't hate them, I just wish they would leave me alone.

I have read that what we hate in others is what we dislike about ourselves, and I did try to work out why a particular guy at work is so irritating to me (although everyone finds him annoying) and I think it's because he acts in a helpless manner at times.

I was very judgemental of myself, and had higher expectations of myself. Writing the letter to myself would be a long and sorry letter but anything that helps stop those thoughts is worth a try.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @shell , thank you. I have improved somewhat in terms of when I am triggered and feel self-hatred, I can recognize it and attempt to substitue thoughts (change the perspective, be kinder to myself, know it is a 'feeling'). So I guess that's 'progress', of sorts. My trouble is my baseline is low, more the belief or feeling there by just 'existing'.

Dear @TimeToHeal and @arfie , I guess that is so true. Well, if it is subconscious simply carrying on irregardless is necessary. I like how you said arfie it's not all at once. I have a tendency (almost subconsciously) to try to make large leaps instead of baby steps. Thank you. :hug:

Aw @The Albatross , I think that's a beautiful quality of yours. :inlove: Though I hope you don't forget to see yourself through the same eyes. I guess one could 'accuse' you (I am not), that forgiving or finding something redeemable in the abusers is a defense mechanism, but I rather think it is more seeing things in an accurate light (though it doesn't make it right), and part of the process of moving forward with your own life.

Dear @Jane.l , it means much to me that you should read, and even answer, when it is so difficult for you. I believe you understand more than you realize about yourself even with what you've noticed about yourself and said. If things are crazy right now it's ok to not try to tackle it all head on. Thank you for posting when it was difficult. :hug:

Dear @Britt.f7 , I very much relate, (self) 'loathing' is the best word. Easy to see how it seems so inappropriate for you, knowing you. You are very dear. Hard to see otherwise in ourselves though. It's really a self-rejection.

..at a core level.. my own worthlessness is so obvious I don't understand how anyone can see anything different. I'm sure my self-hatred is the biggest obstacle to my healing. I keep getting in my own way because I don't believe I deserve to be happy, to be loved, or to be free of pain...doesn't change the automatic reflex that says I'm bad.

Hope it helps to know you're not alone, that struggling with self-hatred is a part of this journey.

Dear @Hope4future , hope I don't get 'dinged' for too much of your quote, I would quotebut this resonates the most with me. Except to say I'm not sure it's even possible, let alone deserved (not that one thinks of the former if believing the latter, anyway). It's not even so much how others see me as what I feel about myself, even alone. If that makes any sense. But yes, I agree with you, and yes it does help to know that, and even that it is 'normal' (or to be expected), does help. Thank you. :hug:

 

[izmo]

Hello there,

What do you think are causes (if any) of your dislike towards yourself at the core? Perhaps for now, rather than focusing on how to eliminate self hatred -- maybe focus on forgiving yourself (forgiveness is at times a process, rather than a final answer) and starting small.. Self appreciation, even when it starts small, even when incomplete for a long time at first, can be a good antidote.

For example, in the past, when I felt self hatred out of something that I viewed as my fault, it took me a long time to get there.. But I've tried appreciating myself even for small things like - ''oh at least I helped this one friend'' or ''I have a nice smile at least because I can smile even when I'm falling apart''.. Apologies if I'm projecting.

Easier said than done, but be gentler on yourself.. don't give in to the pressure of wanting to eliminate self hate all at once. Just tell yourself you'll get there. I don't know if I am of any help, but other people's advices under this thread are most likely better than mine.