Overcoming Self-hatred And It's Relation To Healing

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Hope4Now , well yes that could be a good definition, by that definition no, I don't wish anyone ill either. Though I do wish myself ill, really. 'Compelled' is a good word.

I think you've probably hit on something very important, that something deeply might want to be expressed, but for myself I don't know what other than the self-hatred.

When I think of dislike of others, forgiving, understanding, choosing to look b\at a bigger picture, realizing I don't understand (I'm not in their heart and shoes), being thankful and developing my own life help. Also practical things like trying to be (healthily) assertive help, etc. But I can say it's more over their 'actions' than what I see 'in' or 'of' them as a person. ie "Acting' like an as*h*le, rather than 'being' a jerk. "

For myself, the self-hatred is more pervasive or 'core', as others have said.

I remember I was supposed to 'give it up for lent'. :( :rolleyes: I guess that's what the others have alluded to, not a denial of what we may feel or what is there, but just the 'stop sign' technique when our thoughts/words/actions go to it. One thing I have not thought of until now is that the Internal Critic does not have to just be a 'voice', but perhaps a belief. Or such a 'voice' (ie thoughts, self-judgments, feelings) may reinforce the 'belief'.

 

[Tinyflame]

No @izmo , your response has as much validity as everyone's and I think is very good advice. In so far also as I would find telling myself that nearly if not totally impossible. But all the more reason to try. I guess I find even the steps to counter it extremely difficult. I know others have said (in justmehere's original thread) that perhaps if we do not 'self-blame' we have to accept other's parts in it. But much as on one level I agree, part doesn't seem to apply to me. I'm not even sure what I need to forgive myself for: part definitely of what I've done or failed at, but perhaps in my mind just part of 'who' (or 'what') I am not. If that makes any sense. Although I'm not sure if that's just 'accepting what I feel is my defectiveness'- different words but still getting no where.

I realize that the healthier one is the more they can see self-hatred as being just another part to overcome, that is that it does hold ourselves back.

I guess if I had to venture a remote guess it would be being and feeling not wanted and burdensome as a child on up. I guess it had an impact I didn't realize. Though it feels kind of "sissy-ish" or like an excuse for me to be looking back and explaining it that way.

Thank you. :hug:

 

[izmo]

Your explanation is not ''sissy-ish'' (at least to me). I don't see it as making an excuse. Having a childhood of which you felt burdensome, even (if) it is at some point repressed, can be a very difficult thing.

May I ask if it's okay, do you ever feel like 'connecting' with your 'inner child' on your terms? I find for some people, things like coloring or even just playing with swings on the background, help them as they had gone through rough childhoods.

It is understandable that even the steps can be difficult.. Do you emotions-wise, think you internalize any shame for feeling like you can't ''let go'' of self hatred? I think your feelings are valid, and even if small steps are hard, just try one at times.. Or try a bit. Even if it doesn't get any results yet, the key is progress.. Or at least something that you can use to tell yourself, that you're at least trying.

I hope it helps in some way.

 

[Tinyflame]

Having a childhood of which you felt burdensome, even (if) it is at some point repressed, can be a very difficult thing.

Do you emotions-wise, think you internalize any shame for feeling like you can't ''let go'' of self hatred?

I hope it helps in some way.

Dear @izmo , aw thank you. OMG, yes, extremely do I feel internal shame about that. :(

To be honest, I can't even 'find' my inner child. Yet, I can't seem to 'shake her', either. By nature (if I am relaxed and open, or simply my 'default' and how I live in and view the world), is some strange combination of being like a half-woman-half-child. I've been that way forever. (And yet, very oddly enough, it's almost an 'equilibrium' or peace for me. When I most can be myself.)

You are very wise and kind! Thank you, yes it does help, very much so. :hug:

 

[izmo]

Perhaps, trying to find a way to reconnect with (even though you might have trouble finding it now) with your inner child may be a step? :)

You're welcome. You can PM me as well if you'd like.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes maybe that is part of it, to do (in simply doing) other things like that we can reduce it (the self-hatred).

I do confess being this way (woman?-child?) does also feel kind of freakish to me. Or I feel it/I must 'be' freakish. :(

 

[izmo]

I don't think it's 'freakish', you are simply struggling with identifying yourself or your inner child :) It's understandable.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well, it's sure taking me a long time. :rolleyes: Thank you. :hug:

I guess there is truth in my 'inner child' (or something?) at least has an opinion or recognizes emotions without lots of thought about it. I think I have a rather 'peaceful' inner child.

For example, this morning I was somewhere very organized, very 'adult' and relatively solemn and such (the environment and myself, of course), and I 'saw' a bunch of beautiful white roses, all I wanted to do was go smell them/ see them. Which would be fine or 'ok' were I 3 feet shorter. :rolleyes: I don't know if other 'adults' have those thoughts (they didn't appear to).

 

[izmo]

I think that's understandable.. Nature is beautiful, and if we don't take the time to savor the roses or beautiful sights, then when? At times the little things in life can be more meaningful than we once thought.

I am having anxiety myself and am (trying to be) more committed towards self recovery by noticing little things, without a care whether it makes me 'childish' or not (but sorry again if I'm projecting!)

 

[Hope4Now]

I guess if I had to venture a remote guess it would be being and feeling not wanted and burdensome as a child on up. I guess it had an impact I didn't realize. Though it feels kind of "sissy-ish" or like an excuse for me to be looking back and explaining it that way.

That has a HUGE impact on our identity and self-esteem. No excuses...just compassion is what's required. Easier said than done when we have spent a lifetime being cruel to ourselves. Rather than denying or shutting off the self-destructive voices, I am trying to practice being kind to myself in little ways, and to receive affirmation from others. It is really hard, but I'm feeling like if I do a little every day (a bit like exercise) maybe I will have the strength to take the toxins out of the darker side. For instance, today I am going to purchase a new journal and be glad about it (instead of thinking I should use an old notebook instead of spending the money). And today, when my therapist complimented me on something, I looked at him, said "Thank You, that really makes me feel good," instead of deflecting the compliment or twisting it with a negative.

 

[Tinyflame]

No @izmo , not projecting. Problem was they were indoors! :wideeyed:

I hope the anxiety lets up. :( Have you seen the 'butterfly hug' described here on the forum?

:hug:

 

[izmo]

Indoors as in do you mean plastic roses in the living room? If yes, then I still think it's good :) The little good things can be more meaningful than we once thought.

I haven't seen the butterfly hug.. Yes I have anxiety and PTSD :hug: