Oh Dear @
Hope4Now , what a beautiful post! I am honored that you would take the effort, and for your candor and honesty. I am 'guessing' (as opposed to 'projecting') that I know how difficult it was to do, if you are anything like me (and by the rest of your posts which are identical to how I think and feel that may be the case). With the exception that I am not accomplished as you are, :notworthy: :) , though I started with a promising future as it were and blew it. I know that compliment might make you cringe but it is true, like myself you sound too hard on yourself.
I really understand what you are saying and where you are coming from. Even your experience with what you've heard from your T. The difficulty in seeing a future, of holding on to hope, of seeing 'progress', of being true to yourself through the smallest choices or assertiveness (and of even finding out 'who' that person is), of the internal critic, the worries and fears and worst-case-scenario thoughts.
I think even the thought itself, or the similar conception of being 'held' and told it's going to be all right, that you are safe, encapsulates so much. The constant (a lifetime for me I know, likely I bet for you as well) of 'getting through', being for others, caring for others, being 'strong', the fear, and yet left with not enough energy even to deal with the ptsd. I truly believe, though others question the 'differences' in you as you've gone along in therapy and made changes, that evidently those changes have been life-saving, even life-gracing, I would call them. Unfortunately it sounds like only you and your T 'get' that, for the time being. Which makes it more difficult, God knows we already question ourselves so much. :(
I do put others and 'everything else' first, often put anything I need to do for myself last and don't have the energy left. I too am dismissive and 'flat' as per compliments or 'sucesses', I really don't see them in that way, either. I can worry endlessly (and have catastrophic/ worst-case-scenario thinking) about the smallest screw-up or disagreeability of others. Not because of people-pleasing so much as that default thinking. Peter Walker I think describes that well- how we 'all' feel we will end up as a bag lady on the street. :( Oh boy. His work is very helpful, that I too will return too.
I do reach out to others, but I will try to find (make) some balance. You are so right: baby steps, baby steps, baby steps. I think also accurate memory (I was thinking of a 38 week exercise I did before that involved that). Being kind to ourselves is difficult. One can only begin somewhere however, finding out what we like as well (even tiny things in the moment).
I will check out the meditation. Do you think it's good to still try if the 'meditation' (phrase, I'm guessing) makes me feel uncomfortable? I was thinking about what you said about looking in the mirror, and about being good 'enough'. I never look in the mirror (except to throw my face on), it's hard to say things to myself.
The only difference I have (or perhaps it's simply expressed a different way) is that I don't have a 'thought' of an 'ideal' person in my head, or who I have to be. And yet, in another way I share the same concept in that I feel like "it's up to me" or I have to 'do' everything', and (yes I guess) do it perfectly (by my definition). It just comes with no sense of 'ideal', my own 'bare minimum' standard for myself really.
I think, actually, though I've actually felt ashamed to post this thread and even regretted it because of that (though I've been thankful too for the discussion, and I know those feelings are related to this), it's actually really critically important. Critical in that without dramatizing it is a life and death issue, ultimately. Because it's not 'static', it either increases or decreases but it doesn't stay silent, it roars.
I watched almost my whole family too, get cancer and or die from their 20's to 50's (and they were told they should have died 10 years prior), without even going to Doctors (mostly). I understand that. I do the same, and I understand the panic/ blinders/ responsibilty that is overwhelming and felt in the present, but at the expense of care for one's self.
But, in another way, it's kind of a beautiful thing to think that life can be so much better, hold so much more joy and gentleness and that feeling of safety. (Come to think of it, I guess that feeling is the opposite of the clothes-on-fire one. And thanks again for telling me about relating to that, when I heard the term coined I thought "Wow, someone finally 'gets' it". But I never heard anyone say it after).
Thank you for understanding, and your Loving Kindness. :) :hug: :inlove:
