Overcoming Self-hatred And It's Relation To Healing

[Hope4Now]

I can worry endlessly (and have catastrophic/ worst-case-scenario thinking) about the smallest screw-up or disagreeability of others. Not because of people-pleasing so much as that default thinking. Peter Walker I think describes that well- how we 'all' feel we will end up as a bag lady on the street. :( Oh boy. His work is very helpful, that I too will return too.

The Pete Walker book was enormously helpful to me. I don't think I realized the extent of my worst-case scenario thinking until I read that. (Except of course for the fact that I once got roped into playing the "game" called Worst-Case Scenario and it sent me into massive anxiety and panic for months afterward).

I will check out the meditation. Do you think it's good to still try if the 'meditation' (phrase, I'm guessing) makes me feel uncomfortable? I was thinking about what you said about looking in the mirror, and about being good 'enough'. I never look in the mirror (except to throw my face on), it's hard to say things to myself.

Yes, the loving-kindness meditation is really important. You do one for yourself, one for someone you feel close to or are thinking about (could be anyone), one for someone you have a really hard time with (for me, that's usually my mother), and one for all beings in the world. I have a very hard time with the one for myself. I was surprised by how powerful was the one I did for my mother--it helped/helps me deal with her a little better.

Also, you might enjoy watching the TED talks by Brene Brown. One is called The Power of Vulnerability, the other is called Listening to Shame. They're both good, but I think the newer one may be better. I haven't watched them for a while, so I can't remember. I might watch them again though. It wasn't her talk (I think...but I have real memory problems), but another TED talk I watched in which the speaker said she wish she could tatoo across her chest the words, "I am enough!" Something about that really stayed with me. I am holding on to the idea that I AM ENOUGH no matter what. As long as I AM, I am enough. It is a very hard concept to hold onto and believe in, but I'm getting it...slowly...3 steps forward, 5 steps back, 6 steps forward, etc.

I watched almost my whole family too, get cancer and or die from their 20's to 50's (and they were told they should have died 10 years prior), without even going to Doctors (mostly).

I am so sorry for this. How painful for you, especially the caretaker part of you.
My father had all the obvious symptoms of a heart attack about 6 years ago. He told my mother. Neither of them did anything about it until hours later when my mother went to go to bed and found him in her bed, gray and barely breathing. She called me instead of 911. That tells you something about my dysfunctional family...they were playing out at 80 years old the same old scripts.

These terrible situations dear @Junebug must be a guiding reminder to us that WE need to take responsibility for being kind to ourselves and accepting healing whereever we can find it outside or from within.

Wishing you the energy to find the good in yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw Sweet @Hope4Now , same as well for you!!! Yes, I understand totally. Am so sorry, with your family too. :(

In some ways, we are the first (generation) to tackle these things head on, in this way, I think. Your daughter is very very Blessed. :) :inlove:

I was thinking, the worst (too) for me, is not just in the 'doing' but fearing I'm causing pain/ 'burdensome-ness'.

I really like the sound of that meditation! I like to do that kind of thing! I had trouble trying to get through Brene's vulnerability talk, I think I made it to 22 minutes (tried twice). Perhaps now I won't be so reactive. (I am learning new tools! :) Thank you. :hug: )

And I meant to say, it's so nice to hear, when you said you are a "late(r) bloomer" too, lol. I am 45, though had this ptsd-stuff since 14, and well, this mindset or self-concept always.

I am really so thankful, that change (or facing this stuff, and the pain of it), can be done in a gentler manner.(I have to say, though it takes courage to 'say it', the pain is immense, I think. It's actually almost 'palpable') Kind of a back-door approach (though I realize, as you said re: Pete Walker), what I 'think' is less-relevant is most relevant of all. It's actually the front door. :)

(((((((((Dear Hope)))))).

 

[Tinyflame]

And I meant to say-just rushing to get to work- but I am so lucky, so thankful too, for such kindness, all this help. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I was thinking, perhaps all self-hatred doesn't come from childhood, but rather from adult experiences directly, of how we've been treated, what our experiences have been, what we've been told? I suspect my adulthood served to 'prove' or reinforce what I may have thought or feared already, but not necessarily because I just made choices based on self-fulfilling prophesies (actions). Perhaps the self-hatred was not present when I was younger (or if present, then present for other reasons- such as self-blame and shame)?

I guess it doesn't matter entirely, in terms of acknowledging that it is present now, and perhaps processing it so as to understand the root cause(s) a bit better eventually. As arfie said. Not withstanding being able to pinpoint where it started might help to deal with where it's originating or what is (was) lacking. However I really don't think I can clearly look back that far, my memories are piece-meal and fragmented. I don't know what messages I was given as a child. I only know of some I may have adopted (of my own volition/ understanding). It seems a huge leap to start 'there' and end up feeling this way, unless I consider the experiences of the last 20+ years. If that makes sense.

 

[shell]

I was thinking, perhaps all self-hatred doesn't come from childhood, but rather from adult experiences directly, of how we've been treated, what our experiences have been, what we've been told? I suspect my adulthood served to 'prove' or reinforce what I may have thought or feared already, but not necessarily because I just made choices based on self-fulfilling prophesies (actions). Perhaps the self-hatred was not present when I was younger (or if present, then present for other reasons- such as self-blame and shame)?

I

My self hatred stemed from childhood, blaming myself for what happened to me, believing what my abusers told me, accepting responsiblity for my abusers actions, believing I was defective etc, I guess each of us will have different reasons. It's a good place to start though, who made you feel that what you were doing was wrong, and from there it became twisted to I am wrong.

 

[Tinyflame]

who made you feel that what you were doing was wrong, and from there it became twisted to I am wrong.

That's the thing though @shell , I don't know 'who', if anyone. I simply was (this way), in the way and having no value and such, and I came to the latter conclusion because it is so as regards my experiences after becoming an adult as well. Those experiences showed I was as worthless, unwanted, and unlovable as it (or I) have always been. So if I have self-hate for that, I have only my nature or my self as the cause to blame.

 

[StarTraveller]

I'm not sure...no..I hate myself for being weak. And I do things that I know that I will end up being very unhappy about. Like facebook stalking the ahole who abandoned me during my miscarriage of our child.

 

[xena21]

Hi, I definitely relate to hating yourself. It's so hard when it's engrained in your head from childhood and you bring it into adulthood believing this hatred. I can't remember a time when I didn't think I was a loser and evil. Then I tried to make up for it by doing "good" things, like joining the military or stuff like that. It only gets worse. You can't just do "good" things to like yourself. I've tried so many ways to get some compassion, as they say, for myself, and in the end it always falls short. Just that word is so alien to me and even sounds funny.

I've hurt myself in so many ways, like it's what I deserve...always sabotaging anything good. Self harm is just another form of intense self hatred I take out on myself. It's such a battle when you want to feel better but your fighting against yourself at every other level. I wish you the best.

 

[Tinyflame]

Funny, I followed a 'like' to a post I don't even realize I *could* have posted (did post). Perhaps simply because it sounded 'saner' than I see myself as.

Also I guess this stuff has a lot to do with fear. (Or better put FEAR. )

I am wondering if it also has to do with survivor's guilt, of sorts, but a new definition or spin on it? I saw today an old man in a car in an intersection, he seemed really oblivious to it himself but he had escaped death or serious injury, a light standard was on the top of his car, crushed some of the roof, and impaled his car hood. I really Thanked Heavens he was ok, sort of on-his-behalf because as I said he seemed calm and kind of oblivious to the gravity of it.

Conversely, a few minutes later I came across a large, dead bird in the parking lot, large wing sticking up. :(

All I could think of later was the bird, that somehow it had been worse for the bird than the man because the bird 'knew what was coming' more than the man did (not to say it did, of course!) But the bird was finished. It got me thinking, somewhere, or somehow, I think with ptsd or perhaps past traumas there is a sense of 'onus' or responsibilty, or the presence of the feeling there is, an awareness of what seems like that, even if unfounded (no different than depression without identifiable cause or 'reason', or hypervigilance/ anxiety with no present danger definable, but one looks for the 'cause', and prepares to meet it). And in not meeting a 'responsibilty', there is some sort of guilt for me attached. I think it comes from the slow-motion excrutiating feeling of a trauma, or a trauma re-lived. You know what's coming or can see it but can't stop it. Or the worst has happened, or whatever. Or you're wracking your brain what to do and there's nothing possible. I've never heard ptsd described in that way but I think it contributes.

Because I heard today it's good to remember what good exists now, what's been overcome. It's really not a lack of gratitude, but it is focus. (I'm thankful it's not so violent, am not hiding, am not deseperately wondering where to hide, etc etc. ) Lot's of (great) stuff. But, that feeling of responsibilty to prevent future trauma (which seems 'when', not 'if', in my mind and body) seems to contribute to a sense of (personal) worthlessness and ineptitude. And/or perhaps guilt/ self-concept.

 

[Valentino]

What if it's simply more about of lack of self-respect that's causing feelings of self-hatred?

Creating a history and pattern of consistently freezing and caving-in because of safety along with consistently giving others benefit of the doubt; does not really create much internal feelings of self respect.

Also when we don't learn and grow from past traumatic experiences, there is a tendency for our nervous system and unconscious to push us towards Do-Over type experiences so we can get another chance to face similar emotions from past traumas. If we consistently run away from do-overs opportunities, and avoid any potential triggers. This also doesn't build much self-respect. And maybe it also directly weakens trust within ourselves and also we lose touch with our core inner instincts.

Then from this foundation of lack of self-respect, creates and reinforces feelings of intense shame and guilt. How can there be feelings of self worth or self-esteem, when there's a history of caving in, giving up, running away, hiding, avoidance, or trying to be invisible??

Developing self respect might start with baby steps, it's not an all or nothing type thing, it takes time to develop, just like it took time to lose. Learning how to develop healthy good respectable habits with persistent and consistent effort, would be a good start for most. Action would be a very important ingredient for respect, and the more proactive and responsive the action the better.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Valentino . I think it has to do with internalizing abuse too, or maybe (childhood wise) explaining neglect or burdensomeness, that would be too young to have been pro-active in any other ways than I already did (independence). But yes, interesting and probably accurate thought.

May I ask, what exactly are examples of "proactive and responsive actions"?

 

[Tinyflame]

I think @Valentino , after sleeping on it, I have 'respectable habits', in so far as treating others/ decision making, etc. Am guilty of avoidance, running away or being inclined to wanting to be invisible however.