Overcoming Self-hatred And It's Relation To Healing

[Tinyflame]

I guess there is something truly important about that memory- it didn't provide any additional information or understanding about the memory itself, but it voiced the question. In choosing to explain it, I realize I have never viewed my own self within a context. Oddly enough, in doing so, I'm doing 'better' than I thought. Or have a different viewpoint/ heart/ beliefs than I thought. :)

It's strange, I don't see the 'point' in the self-hating. It seems strangely useless. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

There is one part of self-hatred that I still find problematic though (other than the repercussions), and that I might say is one of personal choice and assessment. On the one hand, as most of us have said it is a process to overcome. But on the other hand much of my own self-hatred likely refers back to having ptsd (which can be managed and I have done so sucessfully sometimes, but frankly won't be going away any time soon) and also to what is now too late to change, such as my career, relationships, or to have children, and I wonder if self-hatred comes down ultimately to personal choice. It really has to be our own decision whether the life we have is worth it. To one person, it may be, to another not. Truly, in one's heart of hearts. Just like the reality of living with ptsd, or really any disorder for that matter. Much as I admire people who overcome adversity, it is (it should be) our right to choose what is acceptable or bearable. Not every story has a happy ending, not always do things improve (even with the hardest work), often there is a plateau, and not everything is surmountable to a degree acceptable to the person living with it.

 

[Hope4Now]

@Junebug you sound as if you are pretty depressed today. Things do seem to plateau and that's distressing. I think that's when mindfulness meditation practice can help the most. It teaches us, somewhere deep in out brains that every moment is different--passing like the clouds in the sky.

Sometimes for me, the dreary storm clouds just seem to hang there for too long and I become convinced nothing will ever change. Then little things happen or little (or big) insights come, and the shape or depth or darkness of the clouds shifts a little. Sometimes worse sometimes better, but change. And change means life and possibility.

You write about self-hatred and personal choice. I have been struggling with this some lately as well. I haven't felt able to reflect in it in too much depth yet because I know it will make me have deep regret and shame. I need to keep focused in the future as much as I can. Yet I have been having so many moments if realization about things I gave up or didn't do, or did do--things I regret. And shame that I have made choices mostly by NOT making choices to take risks and go for things I wanted or needed. For many years I have caved in to inner and outer messages that led me to create a life that isn't really what the core of me wanted. Parts if it are wonderful and I'm grateful for them, but I also feel trapped in what I've constructed by my own choices.

I don't know if that resonates with you. I just want yiu to know that you are not alone in what you're thinking and feeling. And that so long as you are alive and have even an iota of fight or vitality in you, there are new choices to be made every moment. And new choices mean possibility and hope and new paths for life.

I am wishing you peaceful feelings and optimistic thoughts today.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Junebug Parts if it are wonderful and I'm grateful for them, but I also feel trapped in what I've constructed by my own choices.

..I am wishing you peaceful feelings and optimistic thoughts today.

Perhaps @Hope4Now concentrate on those wonderful parts. I am certain you've worked hard for them and more than deserve it. Perhaps they can be a springboard for choices that are true to your core.

Well for me, other than sh*tty decisions (plenty of those, talk about a 'Do-over', lol) most of mine were ethically based. So I have no doubt in retrospect some I could not change even if I went back in time. But 'possibility' is not part of my future. Mine has not much to do with transitory or passing feelings. I'll be glad when I can get it over with. It feels like watching a team losing 48-to-3.

As Valentino alluded to, 'wants, needs, desires'. The only wants (otherwise optional) I have are meeting the needs (required) I have, preferably through my own resources and volition.

But, enough 'whine and cheese'.

I wish you all the best also, thanks. :hug:

 

[Hope4Now]

But 'possibility' is not part of my future.

I'm sorry you believe this.

I don't know your whole story @Junebug. I guess I'm one of those people who believes it is never too late for change to happen. It just takes a lot of courage.

One of the people I admire in my life ended a mistake of a marriage and left an unhappy career to re-make his life doing something shockingly different in a far away place. It was rough going for him for around 8 years, but he's doing great now, and happy, and just got married. Another person I know dumped his whole life and took off in a van with a couple hundred dollars in his pocket to see what would happen (poverty and adventure and a lot of new acquaintances ensued) (I'm sort of jealous of him). Another person I knew, divorced one husband, then lost a second husband to Alzheimers, then got married when she was 72 after saying for about 8 years that she would be alone until she died. I have lots of stories like this about people who inspire me. I don't have the courage (yet) to make the changes I want, but I believe in the possibilities because I see them all around me.

I'm not trying to argue you into changing your feelings. Just offering a different pair of spectacles.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thanks @Hope4Now .

I don't think lack of courage is the totality of the issue however.

If I could do it all again there's only one change I'd make (other than removing the sh*tty decisions), I'd focus on making money. Lots of it. (I don't think that would fulfill me, it would not be for that reason.)

 

[Hope4Now]

I'd focus on making money.

Yes. Financial security (which is relative of course) offers a lot. I wish I had it. Future is scary in terms of that. I just think "flowers of the field" etc. and assume that at some point I probably will be on the street unless my children choose the corporate route for their careers and opt to provide for me. :) (It's doubtful given their current inclinations).

 

[Tinyflame]

Lol. Ya sometimes it has a way of working out @Hope4Now . :hug:

I don't (can't) go as far as the future, on many counts.

I think beyond giving (to others, which is enjoyable, and being able to assist others with large problems with relatively little even given), money provides opportunity, resources and then there are possibilities (over-and-above reducing worries and meeting needs). It's not dependent on anyone else, it doesn't require anything but one's own choice(s).

The only changes or choices I can make are what to cut out, financially and otherwise. Guess it's time. Solely what is in my own control and requires no one and nothing. It won't produce much 'positives' but it may eventually reduce internal negatives.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm just wondering from recent threads, if self-blame underlies or creates self-hatred & even influences ptsd itself, if self-hatred can underlie SI, & if self-blame makes us feel not worthy of healing & therefore impedes it? Exterior influences would reinforce or 'confirm' it, but maybe the core comes from that conscious or even subconscious belief?

Even if we don't blame ourselves directly in some cases, we seem to blame ourselves for what follows, or even (mis)managing or coping with the ptsd.

 

[shell]

Self blame and self hatred for me was created by fear, a need to have control of an uncontrollable situation as a child, and a need to control my life now.

If I am to blame, then it must be my fault, if it is my fault then I will not be powerless, weak and at risk. Self blame relies on self hatred, and taking responsibility for the actions of others, it stopped me from feeling the grief, the terror and the shame that came from being hurt, rejected and treated as less than human.

Did you ever try the compassion meditations?

 

[Tinyflame]

..created by fear, a need to have control of an uncontrollable situation as a child..
Self blame relies on self hatred, and taking responsibility for the actions of others, it stopped me from feeling the grief, the terror and the shame that came from being hurt, rejected and treated as less than human.

Yes. :wideeyed: All very wise words @shell, thank you so much. :hug:

Oh my, forgot the meditations! (My bad! :sorry: :rolleyes: ) So looked them up again. Then I realized, I basically have those thoughts for others most of the day (I call it 'prayer'; maybe that explains why I am not inclined to being angry so much? :wideeyed: ?), though not for myself. The actual being still part is hard.

Something I thought of though too is that beyond the emotional there is a rational component that is not satisfied. In that way I guess I understand the point in talking or writing about traumas, perhaps uncovering details that otherwise wouldn't be, well those very details (& beliefs or conclusions) are the crux of the issue, where we have assigned self-blame, self-rejection etc.

I have thought that glossing over or simply not acknowledging those details (or perhaps a better word is 'facts' ) has been (for me) almost like denial because it hasn't been consciously, but now I would say it's avoidance- they are too painful to revisit. But the revisiting is necessary for processing, if processing involves getting to the heart of the matter & going from there.

Someone said something good in the anonymous thread, that self-compassion can be a goal, rather than viewing it as pass or fail. I think though too cognitive restructuring works for me only when I believe it, & to believe it I have to be able to have either sufficient evidence or rationale to view it in a different way. Without ever addressing (voicing) it it's not likely to happen, because it's not addressed & nothing challenges it, there is no other viewpoint or conclusions other than my own.

 

[Tinyflame]

I truly DO think (after what I heard today) that self-blame is what underlies the greater part of self-hatred. We can be blamed by others of course (always with abuse). But also, I have blamed myself for having ptsd, & not getting well, or fast enough, or even asking for help, or accepting help that is offered without asking.

I heard once, in regards to revealing what started this, "You did nothing wrong". :wideeyed: But I guess, suffering & SI & all this stuff, I believe/ have believed "surely I must have?" , to be like this? :wideeyed: In other words, not just what I've done (or not done when I think I should have), or all the ways we re-think & re-live our traumas, but simply by how (I) am now since it started- the 'person' I am as such now since. Which would explain why the self-hatred is as it is, because it isn't from just external events or even abuse, but thoughts & 'feelings' that surely I 'must' have done something that must be my fault? And it would help explain why receiving help seems wrong/ not deserving of it. (Or all the other things I don't deserve). The blame for 'existing' is because 'surely my existence shows I must have done something to deserve this'. :(

Edited to add, I hope this makes sense, it is difficult to find the words. I mean not a conscious thought of self-blame, but something 'underneath' I didn't realize that I have believed or accepted must be so. (Even though I'd never think of it of others).

And also too that would explain why self-compassion goes out the window.