General Overcoming triggers during sex? (long post, pls help)

[kdoll]

To give a little background, my girlfriend has severe C-PTSD from about 18 straight years of sexual trauma, is on disability and cannot work or take care of herself. She has not yet found a therapist she feels comfortable diving into trauma with.

She and I have quit having sex for probably a little over a month now. I'm fine with it; sex isn't a requirement for a relationship imo. However, it seems we both want to have that intimacy back. She is always saying how attracted to me she is, how much she wants to/wishes she could, etc, but it is just too much for her.

When we have sex, I am always very careful with her... I always let her initiate, try to keep things sweet and positive, check in with her throughout, avoid known triggers, reassure her (what is happening is her choice, she can say no and change her mind at any time, and I would never try to hurt her or cross her boundaries in any way), everything i can think of. I do my very best to give her all the space she needs and help her feel safe during sex. And she does feel safe with me; she trusts me more than anyone. However, almost if not every time we are intimate, she will dissociate, have flashbacks and/or regress to feeling like a very small child. More often than not, she will end up crying and feeling a lot of guilt and shame after she orgasms, no matter how gentle and reassuring I am to her. The last two times we had sex were so triggering that she's decided to stop trying indefinitely.

My question to you all is: Can I do anything else to help her have a healthier relationship with sex outside of therapy? What has worked for you and your partners? Strategies to deal with triggers? Different skills she can practice alone or things we can practice together? Since she is not yet able to process her trauma, she has not learned any coping skills for feelings of this nature, and I'd really love to help her find somewhere to start while she's working on finding a trusted therapist.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you checking in to see if she is present, and then stopping if she isn’t?

Does she even know when she isn’t present?

 

[kdoll]

Are you checking in to see if she is present, and then stopping if she isn’t?

Does she even k...

I check in regularly and if something is wrong I always stop that second! :( Her feeling safe is my biggest priority in all aspects of our relationship... We are very close and have been together for years so I'm pretty good at sensing something is wrong with her. she has a few tells that give her away and a lot of times she will start showing them before we even start, I point it out to her and we change the activity to something non sexual. This has helped her become much more aware of herself and will stop when she needs to, which is amazing, but there are still times when I notice something is wrong well before she does and stop immediately. She was actually doing a lot better with sex for a few months where things were a lot easier and actually enjoyable for her, but recently she experienced a new trauma (non sexual but still relevant ofc) and it's sent her reeling.

The reason we have completely stopped since this new traumatic event is because even when everything goes seemingly perfect... she is very active, making eye contact, pacing herself, assures me she is present, feeling good, and there are no signs of stress/tells that i can pick up, but when she finishes all the shame/guilt/anxiety/fear/regression/etc floods her all at once. I feel really guilty when that happens even though we both did everything we know to avoid it. That's why I'm asking for ideas on things that have helped other people with this problem.

 

[kdoll]

I want to clarify too that i'm not trying to rush her to "fix" herself, i honestly don't care if we never had sex again, i love her no matter what level of intimacy she wants. i just know she wants to address this issue and have that closeness with me again but doesn't know where to start and I want to help her find ways to help herself through this if possible.

 

[Swift]

Hey and welcome @kdoll.
This post literally could have been written about me.
You're doing an immensely brave, courageous, compassionate and loving thing by wanting to help your girlfriend through this. I know it's tough on her but it must be tough on you too.

The flashbacks, the regression, the dissociation... the guilt and shame after orgasms, yep, been there.

Honestly, you're doing all the right things. The thing that helped me most was this book called "Healing Sex", which is written for women who've survived sexual trauma and want to have good, healthy sex. It's fantastic. I gave my partners bits to read, and I read the whole thing myself. It had lots of good recommendations and stuff, as well as some great gay-specific tips (I'm gay as well.)

I agree your girlfriend needs therapy, but you're doing a mighty job. Have you considered talking to someone about your own feelings? Could be worthwhile.

we both want to have that intimacy back.

This is a really good sign.
Is she okay with particular sex things and not others? Is she okay with say, making out, or holding each other, or stuff? I'm generally okay getting my partners off, and I feel less vulnerable if I have my clothes on. BDSM was also great for me, but.... I wouldn't really recommend that unless you know 150% what you're doing. Safe words, though, have lots of applications in vanilla sex. I won't have sex without them now, generally I use red/yellow/green, because saying "no" or "stop" is harder.

The other thing I got out of that book was a game called "faster, slower, stop." Basically, you grab a timer, start something for two minutes. Every 30 seconds, or whatever time works, you stop, and your partner says faster, slower or stop.

Also - one of the worst things about my issues with sex is seeing how it impacts my partner. Like, it's really hard to upset someone you love, and it just makes me feel worse about the whole thing.

Have you considered couple's or sex therapy? Probably too early in the game to do it, I haven't done it personally but others say it's helped them.

 

[kdoll]

Hey and welcome @kdoll.
This post literally could have been written about me.
You're...

Wow! It's so nice to hear from someone who has a similar relationship to sex. It's comforting for both me and her to know that someone else has been there... She feels so alienated from others because she never finds anyone with a story she can relate to.

the things you mentioned could be really helpful for us. We have made up "trust games" like that before that did seem to help her a bit, I actually forgot we used to do that... Once she's ready we will try reintroducing that.

We're building up a bit of a PTSD book collection so we will definitely look into Healing Sex as well :) Have you ever used the C-PTSD Workbook? She's expressed interest in it and I'm planning on giving it to her today as a coming-home-from-the-hospital gift. Just curious if it's ever helped you.

And yes, we are seeing a couples therapist and both have individual therapists as well, but the clinic we go to keeps us with child therapists until we are 21. while our couples therapist is amazing, she's not yet ready to talk to them about this kind of thing.

As for her individual, she doesn't really seem to know what to do with the severity of her trauma and other disorders... She generally sees younger children and teens that struggle more with depression and anxiety than anything else. She's currently in the process of finding a therapist that's more equipped to support her...

Thank you so much for your suggestions!