Overhearing A Conversation

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I just overheard a conversation between my Mum and her ex regarding moving out of the area and away from my abusers (in particular, my father)

R: "Why should K be scared of him? He should be the one whose scared, not her, what's she got to be scared of?"
Mum: "She's mentally ill"

I know that a part of it is PTSD and I'm glad that's acknowledged, but Im really p*ssed off because I'm not scared of him because of the PTSD, I'm scared of him because he raped me and allowed others to rape me, because he's got no regards for anyone except himself and enjoys causing pain. Because him on a good day was chasing me flicking his lighter at me and laughing because I was scared he would set me on fire, tickling me until I wet myself and taking drugs in front of me. And the bad days were so, so, so, so much worse. Because he was never in the wrong and his mother justified everything he did because it made him happy and that was a good thing, never-mind the fact that he was ruining mine and my sisters' lives. I'm scared of him because he's a horrible, dangerous person and I'd be stupid not to be - or is it all in my head?!

I know I'm probably being over the top about this and I know that I shouldn't be so upset because "R" is so unbelievably self-centred and clueless (though this was him trying to show care and concern - though more at this inconveniencing him than us). I know shouldn't pay him the slightest bit of attention or take offense to anything he says and I'm pretty sure my Mum was just trying to get him to shut up, but still - I feel pretty upset at it and even though I shouldn't be I'm wound up by him, I am. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get that off my chest and I've only just had my therapy for this week today, I don't want to keep this negativity inside of me for another 7 days.

 

[scout86]

I don't know, I think you have every right to be outraged. If that's him showing "concern", he obviously has some deficiencies. Are you familiar with the expression, "You can't fix 'stupid' "? You can't, so you can't fix this person either. Go ahead and be angry, the comment deserves it, but don't let it mess up your day. No one that clueless deserves to have that much impact.

 

[WillowMarie]

You have every right to be mad. I don't know if he knows the details surrounding things (not saying he needs to know), but if he does he is in denial or minimizing. It makes me angry, especially because he said he should be scared of you. That is poop.

You deserve to have people take your feelings seriously and be genuinely caring. You have every right to be mad at that conversation. I know I would be pissed about it. :)

 

[arfie]

In my own case, I have come to think of this kind of reaction as, "being triggered." When I am triggered, the importance is not the trigger, itself, but the volatile mix which exploded inside of me. According to this theory, the important element is not what "R" said, but all the rage you expressed after the quote. All stuff worthy of rage. What R said was only the trigger. The pain of your father's betrayal was the volatile mix.

Whether this makes sense in your case, or not, I am sending you hopes for healing.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thanks @scout86 I'm not letting it wreck my day, but I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. Other things he's said in the past is that I'd be even with him if poured oil and feathers over him, we'd be even. Or him just getting loud and shouty at me, my mum or sisters and threatening violence.

@WillowMarie Not only does he know, I found out shortly after posting this that he's been telling his friends and many people know. This new revelation makes me feel so exposed and insecure, when someone knows it's somehow like they've witnessed it. With someone I trust like my mum or sisters, I don't like it but I can cope with it. With the information being passed about behind my back it makes me feel like strangers can see me naked. I don't know their names but they know all that? It's incredibly unsettling.

I think I understand that what R meant is I am not in the wrong, he is and my father should be scared that he will be put away for his crimes. But as I don't have any evidence (not that I'm strong enough to do take him to court anyway any way), it's not like he actually has anything to be scared of - I pose no threat to him whatsoever and he knows it.

I'm not hugely angry although I am a fair bit, I just feel upset and feel very invalidated (and insecure at the new info about him telling others). If this is being triggered then I'm triggered way more often than I thought - that's something I'm still learning to interpret as I don't know what counts as being triggered - thanks @arfie

 

[Tinyflame]

I think what was said is wrong, and in denial or minimizing, and telling the truth doesn't make you 'nuts'.

I think the anger is healthier than depression or feeling devastated over it instead. Difficult as it is as the others said I would carry on. It helps to avoid that kind of ridiculousness/ ignorance.

I'm sorry you heard it, or that can be 'out there', but give yourself credit for the courage to post it. :hug:

(Btw, I've physically reacted in fear to people who have been harmful in the past. I don't think I would, but it's a reaction of fear of my own).

 

[Justmehere]

I would be concerned if you were not scared of your rapist! That's normal. It' would be mentally ill to not fear the person who hurt you... you know what I mean? Argh, I'm not sure I'm saying this well. Sounds like both of them are seriously out of touch with what is normal.

Their comments say SO MUCH about them, not you. I'm sorry they said this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much for sharing what you did because I can apply it to my own life.

I hate gossip, it is so shaming and they are the ones who ought to be ashamed. I am a victim of a slander and gossip campaign many years ago and it still hurts and enrages me.

You have every right to say what you think and feel here. We are here to support and listen. Hugs.

 

[NukaGirl]

I can relate. My Grandparents are less than understanding about my whole situation.

And when I found out that an ex-friend of mine had told all of his mates that I'd been raped, well, I saw red. So I can relate with your anger. But don't let it get you down.