In bouncing about the various threads in various forums in the forum this morning, I remembered a conversation with my therapist.
She had made a statement about being "confused" to which I replied: "I don't often get confused" (which is true). Allow me to explain. My understanding of being "confused" is between THIS and THAT, not being able to choose between the two. (THIS or THAT)
What happens to me is as if a "white flash" goes off in my head. This "white flash" is blinding, immobilizing and leaves me in a rather 'helpless' state. For example: Seems I have had an enormous amount of paperwork of late. Question after question after question, and oddly (if not surprisingly) I have no answer.
This most recent occurrence took place whilst renewing benefits via The State. Leading up to this event, I had spent an average to 2.5 hours on the phone (per day)...mostly waiting while mind numbing (poorly recorded) piano music was playing....same stanza...over and over and over. Then finally an actual human being for 45 seconds.......and then silence as the line goes dead. Or same 2.5 hours goes by to be put on hold.....click! Well, this happened time and time again.....Ok FINE! I will go and see them in person!!!!
All filled up with "The Fight" and "Determination" to see some resolution....all the while dreading....DREADING actually dealing with.....people....actual live Human Beings! Oh the horror! But now I had committed myself, without leaving a back door for a quick exit....tapped like a rat!
I arrived before the office actually opened for business. Waiting in line, I found few people in good spirits and those that did talk had such long tales of whoa....I didn't even feel worthy to be in the same line. But I persevered!
Once in the building, I am confronted with several State Workers barking out options for those of us filing into the greeting area. As the office covers many services, each service having its own vernacular and words that seemed appropriate to the service offered. I began to feel numb, as if not only did I not belong there, as if I were in the wrong place, that persecution was just around the corner and that condemnation was about to bounce across my forehead. There wasn't a panic, by definition anyway, just....the nagging sense of being "overwhelmed".
I am finally in front of a Human Being...I fumble, I bumble. Unsure if the person understood my need, or not, I was passed to another State Worker. I fumble and bumble only to be passed to yet, another Human Being. My head is spinning at this point! After what seemed like an hour of me stammering, this person sent me to a room filled with......TELEPHONES! Yes, after an hour and a half of time spent with Human Beings, I was now sent to my original nemesis....The Telephone, with its incessant cacophonous Musak!
There I sat for yet another 2 hours....
Eventually, it all worked out, spoke with a nice State Worker that although she wasn't actually helpful in explaining the in's and out's of the process along with the vernacular....she did eventually produce the desired result. That being renewed benefits!
Seems like there should have been a sense of relief, considering the final outcome...and there was, at least a slight sense. What was most present was complete exhaustion! Good Gawd! I felt like I had been drawn through a key hole, raked over the coals and sat in front of the Spanish Inquisition.
Yes, I am writing about the most recent time I have experienced this...yesterday. Yet I experience this frequently. In front of Human Beings or in front of a Computer Screen. Any time there is critical information being given, that is about ME (like a resume for example)....I simply loose my mind. And many times, this sense of being 'overwhelmed' may not have anything to do with being critical or a major event...just everyday stuff....and I am reduced to a blabbering mass of flesh without an ounce of a clue. Such a helpless feeling, which is another thing in and of itself.
I see a circle of events with this thing about being 'overwhelmed' and 'avoidance' that I wrote about the other day....It isn't the actual deed to be done that I want to 'avoid'....its the sense of being 'overwhelmed' that I really want most of to 'avoid'.....that 'overwhelming' and profound sense of being in a perpetual state of DUH! (and all that accompanies it) Certainly, I am not alone in this!
In the mean time, I wish you all....
Much Peace
Woof
She had made a statement about being "confused" to which I replied: "I don't often get confused" (which is true). Allow me to explain. My understanding of being "confused" is between THIS and THAT, not being able to choose between the two. (THIS or THAT)
What happens to me is as if a "white flash" goes off in my head. This "white flash" is blinding, immobilizing and leaves me in a rather 'helpless' state. For example: Seems I have had an enormous amount of paperwork of late. Question after question after question, and oddly (if not surprisingly) I have no answer.
- When did this occur?
- What date?
- Where?
- Who?
- Whats this persons contact information?
- What years did they treat you?
Etc....
This most recent occurrence took place whilst renewing benefits via The State. Leading up to this event, I had spent an average to 2.5 hours on the phone (per day)...mostly waiting while mind numbing (poorly recorded) piano music was playing....same stanza...over and over and over. Then finally an actual human being for 45 seconds.......and then silence as the line goes dead. Or same 2.5 hours goes by to be put on hold.....click! Well, this happened time and time again.....Ok FINE! I will go and see them in person!!!!
All filled up with "The Fight" and "Determination" to see some resolution....all the while dreading....DREADING actually dealing with.....people....actual live Human Beings! Oh the horror! But now I had committed myself, without leaving a back door for a quick exit....tapped like a rat!
I arrived before the office actually opened for business. Waiting in line, I found few people in good spirits and those that did talk had such long tales of whoa....I didn't even feel worthy to be in the same line. But I persevered!
Once in the building, I am confronted with several State Workers barking out options for those of us filing into the greeting area. As the office covers many services, each service having its own vernacular and words that seemed appropriate to the service offered. I began to feel numb, as if not only did I not belong there, as if I were in the wrong place, that persecution was just around the corner and that condemnation was about to bounce across my forehead. There wasn't a panic, by definition anyway, just....the nagging sense of being "overwhelmed".
I am finally in front of a Human Being...I fumble, I bumble. Unsure if the person understood my need, or not, I was passed to another State Worker. I fumble and bumble only to be passed to yet, another Human Being. My head is spinning at this point! After what seemed like an hour of me stammering, this person sent me to a room filled with......TELEPHONES! Yes, after an hour and a half of time spent with Human Beings, I was now sent to my original nemesis....The Telephone, with its incessant cacophonous Musak!
There I sat for yet another 2 hours....
Eventually, it all worked out, spoke with a nice State Worker that although she wasn't actually helpful in explaining the in's and out's of the process along with the vernacular....she did eventually produce the desired result. That being renewed benefits!
Seems like there should have been a sense of relief, considering the final outcome...and there was, at least a slight sense. What was most present was complete exhaustion! Good Gawd! I felt like I had been drawn through a key hole, raked over the coals and sat in front of the Spanish Inquisition.
Yes, I am writing about the most recent time I have experienced this...yesterday. Yet I experience this frequently. In front of Human Beings or in front of a Computer Screen. Any time there is critical information being given, that is about ME (like a resume for example)....I simply loose my mind. And many times, this sense of being 'overwhelmed' may not have anything to do with being critical or a major event...just everyday stuff....and I am reduced to a blabbering mass of flesh without an ounce of a clue. Such a helpless feeling, which is another thing in and of itself.
I see a circle of events with this thing about being 'overwhelmed' and 'avoidance' that I wrote about the other day....It isn't the actual deed to be done that I want to 'avoid'....its the sense of being 'overwhelmed' that I really want most of to 'avoid'.....that 'overwhelming' and profound sense of being in a perpetual state of DUH! (and all that accompanies it) Certainly, I am not alone in this!
In the mean time, I wish you all....
Much Peace
Woof
