Empty Shell
Confident
I am terrified because of my financial situation - very, very little income and dependent on my bullying husband. I put myself in this situation. It isn’t surprising.
I learned how to live at 5 yrs old when my grandfather seduced me with alcohol, money and candy. I lost my virginity summer of 1st grade by him. It continued through elementary school.
He died when I got into Jr High. I was so good at faking a smile, trying to act happy and outgoing, cheerleading, voted friendliest, and all the while I thought everyone knew what had gone on. I felt less than all my peers. Partly due to the abuse which brought so much embarrassment, shame, fear, fight or flight reactions coupled with the fact I grew up in a large family in a shack with no love - rather bigotry, hatred and abuse. Too many older brothers got in on the action.
I fell away from all my “friends” if they can be called that because I always was hiding inside and no one ever really knew me. I got butterflies thinking of keg parties and smoking dope to cope with it all.
Fast forward: I’m 65, married to an abuser (so many men over the years, mostly abusers) unable to get out unless I want to live on the street. He lied about a lot of things before we got married. What a mess and here I am again.
I tied suicide and failed at 17. All I’ve done was run in fear from every situation that was scary, and I’m scared of almost everything. I’m feeling like a shut-in. I don’t know how to interact with people anymore. I stopped working after the worst job (of many!) of my life 25 yrs ago. My Social Security is almost nil. I missed all the memos on that, like everything else in life.
I’m just trying to get along and not be flipping out. It’s very difficult. My emotions are all over the board. I’m not on a mood stablizer and am getting yelled at while I’m typing this. He’s actually flipping out on me because I’m not handling the insurance for HIS house (my name’s not on it - that was a lie) correctly. Sweet Jesus. I hate him at times. I feel like a caged animal.
I learned how to live at 5 yrs old when my grandfather seduced me with alcohol, money and candy. I lost my virginity summer of 1st grade by him. It continued through elementary school.
He died when I got into Jr High. I was so good at faking a smile, trying to act happy and outgoing, cheerleading, voted friendliest, and all the while I thought everyone knew what had gone on. I felt less than all my peers. Partly due to the abuse which brought so much embarrassment, shame, fear, fight or flight reactions coupled with the fact I grew up in a large family in a shack with no love - rather bigotry, hatred and abuse. Too many older brothers got in on the action.
I fell away from all my “friends” if they can be called that because I always was hiding inside and no one ever really knew me. I got butterflies thinking of keg parties and smoking dope to cope with it all.
Fast forward: I’m 65, married to an abuser (so many men over the years, mostly abusers) unable to get out unless I want to live on the street. He lied about a lot of things before we got married. What a mess and here I am again.
I tied suicide and failed at 17. All I’ve done was run in fear from every situation that was scary, and I’m scared of almost everything. I’m feeling like a shut-in. I don’t know how to interact with people anymore. I stopped working after the worst job (of many!) of my life 25 yrs ago. My Social Security is almost nil. I missed all the memos on that, like everything else in life.
I’m just trying to get along and not be flipping out. It’s very difficult. My emotions are all over the board. I’m not on a mood stablizer and am getting yelled at while I’m typing this. He’s actually flipping out on me because I’m not handling the insurance for HIS house (my name’s not on it - that was a lie) correctly. Sweet Jesus. I hate him at times. I feel like a caged animal.