General Paranoid About Been Seen As Weak

[Tweety]

So my husband has PTSD and he also lost part of his hearing, but he likes to pretend that everything is fine. He can understand everything quite well in a quiet place but not if there is music or other noise. It took me a while to understand. I already knew he did not hear well but did not know how bad it was. Whenever he did not understand something he just nodded and said "yes" and I was getting angry at him because he seemed to forget things I told him but later he told me he did not understand what I said in the first place.

He is a pretty macho man and he does not like to be weak. He does not like to be defined by his limitations.

I am happy that he is being so positive but sometimes he is suffering disadvantages from this... when people wonder why he does not answer something they said and it is because he did mit understand it, but is to proud to ask. Later he asks me "What did he say??? What did he say"

Is that another why he acts so alpha like I described before? Because he is afraid to he weak and PTSD makes you weak in a way doesn't it?

He is a bit paranoid about people finding out he has PTSD. I had a sticker from a PTSD support group. It did not say "My husband has PTSD" or anything of the like. It just drew attestion the the cause. I put it on our car but my husband got angry and said and I had to remove it.

I wish he would realize most people are nice and non-judgemental.

I am so happy he is trying to be strong for me. I Applaus that. I am that kind of woman who is attracted to a manly man but I am just worried if he gets the support he needs... And even I as his wife often have no idea if he needs me to support him in a certain area of his life...

 

[Sweetpea76]

I don't know if it's a PTSD thing as much as it's an alpha-male military thing. My vet is physically disabled and it pisses him off. He tries to walk without his cane all the time and do things that will cause him to be in pain for days.

They don't want to be "broken" or "weak".

 

[illusionist]

It is very common for those of us who have hearing problems to minimise them. I'm female, in no way macho, and personally don't want to bother people by asking them to repeat, it gets tiring. I don't think his reaction to his hearing loss is necessarily due to Ptsd.

There are things you may be able to do that may help. My partner and workmates know the best ways to speak to me, so that I can hear them.

It's also been my experience that if I say to someone I'm hard of hearing, can you please say that again?.....many people react with shouting and exaggerated mouth movements....So their reaction can be embarrassing.

 

[shimmerz]

I wish he would realize most people are nice and non-judgemental.

No, actually, most people are not nice and non judgemental about PTSD. I learned this the hard way. I don't think your husband is much off the mark with his not wanting to have his issues pointed out to the mass public.

 

[Justmehere]

During trauma, vulnerability and weakness can be a life and death thing. It's not safe to be weak. Military training especially makes it harder to ask for help.

I wouldn't want a bumper sticker either and I'm not very alpha or male. It's just hard to have the reminder. I hate being weak too.

Maybe don't focus on it as a weakness in him. I can't drive and I finally started to ask for help more when 1.) my friends emphasized how much they like to talk to me when we drive 2.) it helps them to know if they can give me a ride or not someplace. My friends knew I couldn't handle being weak very well, so they kinda honestly me it about my helping them in their weak moments. I'm now ok with being weak, they old had to do this for a season, but it helped me so much to finally be able to ask for help and experience no one would get mad at me for it.

So maybe try telling him you like being able to communicate with him well and it really helps you to know if he hears something or not. Make it about your needs and him helping you rather than about a weakness in him. Alpha males sometimes really like being able to help, and maybe it will work easier for him?

Tough situation all around. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

I must agree with @shimmerz although I wish she was mistaken, I wish her experience was not the usual-----truthfully most people IME are quite judgmental. It's a hard lesson to learn but I think we all go through it in one way or another. There's a great amount of stigma with mental illness and PTSD. I've seen posts about how PTSD vets have additional amounts of judgment to deal with that other PTSD people don't. I'd probably get upset, too, if a loved one put a PTSD sticker on their car. No, it's not a direct outing of me but it would be a segue into such a conversation or would perhaps make people wonder-----it's not hard to put 2 and 2 together.

 

[Air]

I've seen posts about how PTSD vets have additional amounts of judgment to deal with that other PTSD people don't

I think it goes both ways really. For one thing, the idea that PTSD is only for soldiers is still pretty prevalent, so while someone might feel sympathy with someone who went to war, they might not feel sympathy with someone who suffered child abuse and do things like tell them to get over it or suck it up. The other side of the coin is that the military is obviously a place where mental illness and being seen as weak has more stigma, so that might cause issues when looking for help within one's own community.

 

[The Albatross]

Okay you left off what you would be worried about if he gets the support he needs when you shared, "I am so happy he is trying to be strong for me. I Applaus that. I am that kind of woman who is attracted to a manly man but I am just worried if he gets the support he needs..." Care to flesh that out/identify it/share it?

 

[The Albatross]

Personally I'm pretty particular with who knows I have PTSD... less so now, but I'm less reactive now. I wouldn't have a PTSD sticker on my car either.

As you can see, "I wish he would realize most people are nice and non-judgemental." is a hard sell for people with PTSD. I don't wholly agree with it personally myself but don't disagree entirely.

 

[Tweety]

Okay you left off what you would be worried about if he gets the support he needs when you shared,...

I was wanting to say that I am not sure if he gets the support he needs.