Paranoid Switch :(

[timetorecover]

I have done the whole cbt route but I just cannot keep up the positive state.

It's like I said "a switch" goes, something fires and I am wired!

I have learnt to meditate, that helps sometimes xxx

 

[p-no]

I ask myself these things:-

Why would that person want to hurt me?
What would they gain from it?
Are they having a bad day?
Rational reasons why the person does or says what they do

This is a serious question: Does this really help you?

I'm wondering 'cause when I look at my trauma I can not find any answers to this. What I mean is that those who caused my traumas had no reason for wanting to hurt me, they did not gain anything that ever makes anything understandable, they never had any rational reasons for any of the trauma they have caused.

I do realize there's a difference between my abusers and the so-called "ordinary people" on the street. At the same time though, my abusers were and are those "ordinary people" on the street, too. Really, there is no sense in sexually abusing a child for example. And therefore for me, it doesn't work to look for that in people's motivations.

 

[p-no]

I understand that my fears are based on mistrust.

Whenever I read that, I feel that you are blaming yourself for this. As if the mistrust was something you are doing wrong. Is it that way?

I feel totally unheard. Hubby acts like I am looking for trouble or a fight. Therapy has run out too. No more ££ :(

Many years into my marriage I started getting seriously suspicious. I think some might have called it paranoid. He kept telling me he was not seeing anyone, wasn't interested in a certain woman, had not beamed at her while I was standing there with them, etc. He was working late sometimes, sometimes not. Something had changed and I couldn't put my finger on it. I still wanted to make the whole thing work and he always sounded genuine. But he wasn't. He had started an affair earlier-on and had, he later acknowledged, created two different worlds, quote, "one for the fun and with you as my family".

See, the problem is what you're scared about is a realistic scenario. People can have affairs and children can get abused. And although I do not want to increase your fear, I think it's important you address this and give it space and attention, if those around you do not. Maybe you can pinpoint what exactly it is that causes that switch to click?

A former GP, now friend, said to me a long time ago: Make yourself aware what you put your energy into and whether you have done the exact same thing in the past. If so, has it had any use? If not, think about whether you would like to put that energy into something else.

I came to think about this just now when I read about your fear about your children when they're away from you. You can't do anything when you're not with them, but maybe you can do something with them when they're there that will help you feel safer about who they are, how strong they are, what they can and can not do, give them a strong back-up and a place to come to if ever they need it?

What I have always perceived as the worst part of my traumas (and what I don't think I'll ever get over) was that I always reached out for help and never got any. Meaning, there were people and I approached them, and they did nothing. They were not able to prevent me from e.g. getting abused sexually, but they could have acted upon my reaching out. So, in my view, you are not helpless, but you can do something to make/keep your relationship with your children strong so that they know where to run to if and when they need your help.

 

[anthony]

One has been :(

They could be :s ?

Do you want help or not? Simple question. I don't honestly care what you've done with past therapy... people are not created equal. CBT is only as good as the brain behind it. It is a simple yes or no.

What surprises me more, is that you have learnt CBT, yet have paranoid thoughts, though don't seem to me to be putting in much effort to change these thoughts. You think your husband is having an affair, your kids are going to be abused... basically you've lost yourself in futuristic thinking and are accepting that as the situation. That is fine if that is what you want.

If you want to change that... then I am offering. If not... no issues here.

 

[timetorecover]

I would love the help please Anthony. I wish I could turn off that future thinking but how?

Of course I want to change and this is not what I want. I am curious to know why you have questioned it.

I have done lots of therapy that has made me aware of my beliefs and patterns etx. I just get stuck utilising my cbt skills.

Any help would be gratefully received...

 

[timetorecover]

I wanted to add that my fears of my kids being abused is such a strong feeling that it hurts.
I do not want to live my life fearing for them, I want them to be free and happy. So do I!
My mistrust is based on fears of real experiences. So it's not like I am creating thoughts of what could happen, it's more like fearing it could happen again! In a different situation.
My rational mind sais that they are safe and can communicate and know to not let people touch them, but that little voice in my head does not shut up! Questioning, doubting, images blah blah!
I just get stuck with the whole finding evidence that they are not real thoughts. As they are realistic fears based on previous experience.

Cbt in theory is fantastic but i struggle to stay in the "zone" with it. It's like my heart wants to play but my head won't allow me to believe it? Not sure if this makes sense!

I realise that I have developed some unhelpful coping techniques. I just feel like I am in it up to my neck and am drowning here!

 

[Anna]

This is a serious question: Does this really help you?

Yes it does. But I do not apply it to those who caused my trauma, rather than those around me such as friends or family who get caught up in the paranoid delusions.

If I believed and let into my paranoia I fear I would not last long in the real world at all. It is my coping mechanism.

 

[anthony]

Please go back to the above technique and answer the two questions. That is where the issues lay, in your reasoning. That is what must be discussed in depth to find what works for you to change your reasoning, to see a different view than what you see now... hence, removal of paranoia via futuristic thinking.

Most people who attempt CBT techniques are quite honestly not real talented at it IMHO... because if they were, then there would be more success and less failure. You can wrap a technique in multiple names... it is about the discussion in-between, not much else. It is about getting you to use the same discussionable technique on yourself / ask such leading questions in threads to obtain varied responses that help you obtain different views of a situation.

I've had these very techniques applied to myself, and I will say, I have observed vastly different responses from myself based on the person on the other side poking holes in my thinking. Some follow some theoretical rule book, others use life experience and commonsense to dictate variety and options. I use the later... the technique is the only theoretical usefulness.

 

[p-no]

it is about the discussion in-between, not much else. It is about getting you to use the same discussionable technique on yourself / ask such leading questions in threads to obtain varied responses that help you obtain different views of a situation.

Can you explain what this means in other words? I think I am having a problem with the English... (Does "discussion in-between" mean inside of oneself, discussing with one's own self?)

 

[anthony]

I mean the discussion that will entail between me and timetorecover. It means the discussion between you and the person who is helping you work through an issue.

 

[timetorecover]

Thanks Anthony, I am so grateful for the help! Please poke holes in my thinking.

Ok so I will try again. I do really struggle with this so please be patient, I have not been blessed with the talent of CBT!
So my main issue of paranoia then! Which Is my kids being abused.
The paranoid feelings that come to me are based on the fact that my daughter was SA at her nursery school. I therefore feel a lack of confidence as I think it may happen again in a situation, when I presume that she is safe.
I have lost faith in everyone and do not trust it won't happen again. I trust no one. Family, friends, teachers, it even crosses my mind about my husband. I mean wtf? Her dad! I realise how totally stupid i am being. But I really cannot help it.
I know she is safe now, but still doubt everyone that I know and meet.
I also feel so guilty too, for putting her in a situation that allowed this to happen.
I have no evidence that it's happening now or that it will in the future. I just cannot stop thinking about the chance that it might...
I just want to switch that doubt off!
I understand that being a parent involves a certain amount of worry. That's normal right? I also get that having experienced this, it's normal to have heightened anxiety. But it's so debilitating to parent like this. I really want to change things.
I think I am babbling, not sure that i am answering correctly and want to delete this but have to just post it because I do not know what else to write??
Would actually think It would be easier to answer the questions to the issue over worrying that my husband is cheating. As with that concern, I do not have any facts to constantly refer to, that is totally my imagination with no evidence.
Sorry if this does not read well, I am so tired :(

 

[Loner]

I think a big things that helps is to try and separate irrational fear from rational fear, but at the same time accept and forgive yourself for having irrational fear.

I'll give an example. I met a random guy at a guitar shop not long ago, he suggested that we get together to play sometime so I agreed. We planned to meet up at his friend's house at 10pm. Now, I don't know any of these people, so perhaps a little caution is prudent. I put a folding knife in my pocket, just in case, and went to his freind's house.

I realized that while there are shitty people out there and I don't trust any of these people, they also havent given me any reason to think they would hurt me. There has been no evidence to think anything bad would happen to me there. The amount of fear that made me put the knife in my pocket 'just in case' was rational, beyond that, any fear that I felt was mostly irrational.

It's ok to have irrational fear, it doesnt mean youre crazy or anything, its not worth beating yourself up over, but if you start simply recognizing the difference will help you to over time have less fear.

You mentioned the other mothers meeting without you. Perhaps they merely just really wanted to get to know each other, prehaps they really connected, and wanted to get to know each other more with no one else around. Perhaps they ARE sick of you though. In which case, that sucks, but its hardly the end of the world, although it might seem like it. Reminding yourself of these things will help over time. I know it doesnt seem like much comfort now, but make a habit out of differentiating between rational and irrational fear and you will gradually get a handle on it. The paranoia will become something that merely occupies some mental energy and not your entire mind. Make sure to also consciously tell yourself it is ok and reasonable to have some irrational fear, after all, you have ptsd. Self acceptance is key with this.